TheEvilNuggetCrackDown: Jacob Sartorius

Yup. I'm gonna talk about Jacob Sartorius. For those of you who don't know, Jacob Sartorius is a teenager that got famous for lipsyncing on Vine and put out a song called "Sweatshirt". I suggest you go listen to it before reading this post.

Ok, typically I am not too bothered by teenagers that make garbage songs. Rebecca Black gets a lot of slack and even occasional defense from me, I don't care about Justin Bieber, and I really just ignore most modern Disney Channel stars. I would typically not care about something like tgis. But... Even I have my limits.

First of all, you heard it right. This kid got famous for lipsyncing on Vine. Lipsyncing. How the hell does that result in a music career? He wasn't actually singing. This just goes to show what little talent you need in order to get a charting song.

The main reason why the aforementioned teen stars don't bug is because their music, while bad, has some appeal. I can understand why someone would like it. However, the same cannot be said about our pal Jacob. This kid's music is garbage. It has no redeeming quality. The vocals are horrid, the production is grating, the lyrics are mind numbing, the essence is lame, and it isn't even very catchy. There is nothing to like about this.

Plus, in the video this kid is posing like a freaking pretty boy, trying to look cool. There is evidence of him pressuring fans into sending him nudes, and to top it all of he's only 13 years old. Not only is this little punk a bad artist, he's an irritating person as well.

Jacob here has managed to mix the 2 worst things in music together. The "White Guy With An Acoustic Guitar" and the "Swagtard". The White Guy With An Acoustic Guitar is basically anyone that tries to come of as sensitive and romantic guy when in all actuality they're just a narcissistic douche. And The Swagtard is a person that tries to look cool and fails miserably. Somehow, Jacob has mixed them into some sort of grotesque hybrid that makes me wanna jump into a volcano.

Now, you may say "well, who cares, everyone hates him anyways". WRONG. He has a bunch of idiotic tweengirl fans that come to his defense all the time. One of the most common defenses you will hear is "you can't do any better, I'd like to see you try writing a song".

Well, let's test that theory shall we.

As a songwriter myself, I can challenge this claim with ease. And just to make things fair, I will compare Jacob's song to a song that I wrote when I was also 13. Just so we have a fair battle ground. Now, the biggest myth about teen pop is: "well, they're a teenager, they can't write good songs".

This is incorrect. Go listen to albums that some artists put out as teenagers. Taylor Swift's first album had very clever writing with actual emotion, Paramore released the album "All We Know Is Falling" which features some very creative and emotional tracks, and even Miley Cyrus made great music as a teenager. Just because you are a minor doesn't mean you aren't capable of writing good music, and with that, let's start the comparison.

I wrote this song when I was 13, it's called "Bomb". While it's no masterpiece of the English language, I'm sure you'll find that it has much more depth and competent writing than "Sweatshirt". Let's start off with the first verses of each song.

"Inside of me there's a ticking bomb
And it'll blow up before long
I put my motion into a song
When ever I tend to feel wrong

People treat my heart like a ping-pong
They bounce it around as they please
And if it doesn't stop
It'll go on 'til I'm deceased"

Ok, this writing isn't very revolutionary. It's mainly angst about feeling mistreated and oppressed by the world. While not too groundbreaking. It's still very much relatable and it conveys the emotion of feeling used and worthless.

Now let's look at Jacob's lyrics:

"Chillin' with a hair tie
No makeup with some sweatpants on
You know I can always be that guy
You can think about me all night long

But I think you need some-
Thing to think of me
Something to keep you warm and
Show you we can be

More than just this
So baby if you are not ready for my kiss"

So, we start out with the classic "Babygirl, you don't need makeup" cleshe and then he goes onto say that he is "that guy" whatever that means. Then he says that she can think about him all night long because apparently he thinks he's that dreamy. The he gives her his sweatshirt because apparently now she needs help thinking of him, and also to keep her warm because apparently she has no coat, and then I guess the sweatshirt is a substitute for a kiss? This is all over the place. What is this even trying to tell us? That he has a sweatshirt that he wants his girlfriend to wear because she doesn't want to kiss him? This makes no sense.

Ok, I think we can all agree
TENC - 1
Jacob - 0

Now let's talk about the choruses.

"But one of these days I'm gonna blow up like a bomb,
Destroy everything I see if you make me overflow,
Watch out 'cause I'm not holding back
When this monster inside of me
Starts to hatch
You all fused this thing up
So watch it attack
(Blow it up, blow it like a bomb, like a bomb, like a bomb-omb-omb-omb-omb-omb-omb)
(Blow it up, blow it like a bomb, like a bomb, like a bomb-omb-omb-omb-omb-omb-omb)
Now watch me attack!"

So, this chorus isn't perfect but it definitely has some substance. It expresses how all my emotions felt cased in and bottled up and one day I was going to "blow up" and take charge because of the indifference other people had shown me. It also states how no one should be suprised by said "explosion" because in the end, they are the ones that fused it up. Personally, I think it's a solid chorus.

Now let's look at Jacob's chorus.

"Then you can wear my sweatshirt
And baby you can tell your friends
We'll be together 'til the end
You can wear my sweatshirt
'Cause you're the only one I hold
And I don't want you to be cold
So baby wear mine"

So, what is his chorus about? It's about his girlfriend wearing his sweatshirt. That's it. That's the premise of the song. There isn't much else to this chorus other than that. Well, I guess you could point out that the lyrics are incredibly vacuous, pandering, and really not creative at all, but really, I don't know if you really can write lyrics with much depth with this sort of conflict as the theme.

Jacob- 0

Now, let's move onto the second verses.

Everyone thinks they see inside of me
But no one knows what I really think.
They treat my life as a skating rink
They go back and forth as they please

People pick up my soul
And drop it into a sink
But when I get to bat
Just watch me swing"

While this verse includes the "No one really knows me" cleshe and the sink lyric is somewhat awkward, I think it's a decent verse. It further explains how people had stepped all over me nd never thought of my feelings but one day it will be my turn to show them that I matter. It has a lot more meaning than "my girlfriend wears my sweatshirt".

"When you go to sleep at night
When you wake up in the morning
And when you walk the halls, yeah, girl,
You know you wanna flaunt it

Saying this may be the start of something new
Girl I'm gonna tell you exactly what I want to do is
More than just this
So baby if you are not ready for my kiss"

So in this verse Jacob says that he wants his girlfriend to wear his sweatshirt all the time. Then he steals a line from High School Musical to say they might start dating because apparently they weren't already dating- I'm sorry, so apparently now he only has a crush on the girl and she can wear his sweatshirt if she starts to date him? Ok, I'm pretty sure I win this round as well.

Jacob- 0

Now we conclude our comparison with the bridge.

"And before I explode
I'll let you know
I don't wanna live a lie
I'll be inside
Of my own mind
I'll impress myself
Don't make me yell
You can't defuse this bomb now!"

The bridge is honestly my favorite part of this song. It has the tension and rage rapidly increasing as I express my "final warning" before I "explode". While this song is no "Bohemian Rhapsody", it surely is better than its competitor.

"And you can wear my-my-my-my-my sweatshirt
And I don't want you to be cold-cold-cold-cold-cold-cold-cold
So you can wear my
So you can wear my sweatshirt"

It's literally just a semi-repeat of the chorus so there's really nothing new to say. I win.

Jacob- 0

So, in conclusion, yes, I can and did write something far better than "Sweatshirt" when I was 13. I have had some instrumentals on it done by my stepdad but I do not have them available right now. However, I can ensure you that it is much better than the bad acoustic guitar and grating, whining synth that Jacob's label used in "Sweatshirt". I guess in a way it doesn't matter, though, considering niether of us really produced our songs ouselves. Vocals? I can also ensure you that I sing better than Jacob Sartorius, actually, pretty much everyone does. I guess what it all boils down to is that Jacob Sartorius is a talentless Swagtard that needs to go away.


Although my lyrics are much better - ProPanda

Not to be egotistical of course - ProPanda

It's not egotistical to say you're better than Jacob Sartorius, everyone is. - visitor

Deathshirt - Puga


. I stole that from Swellow - visitor

Well, I might be the exception. As a vocalist, I have this awful nasally thin baritone with a frail falsetto and higher range, and my voice cracks above (using bass clef) a high B flat. As a lyricist, I'm a C-list MC with weak wordplay and rhymes.

So, I could be worse, but eh. - WonkeyDude98

Nope, still better than Jacob. - visitor

I really want to hear your song "Bomb" become a real song. It sounds pretty cool.

My songs are better than Sweatshirt. And I never wrote a song. - visitor

You should copyright those lyrics, just in case you want to turn "Bomb" into a real song one day. It has potential to be a legitimate song. - yaygiants16

I hope this is better than Sweatshirt.
(Warning: Mature Content)
"General B*tch"
Cannot be a leader
Cannot be a keeper
Never played, never stopped, never led
Until we see the edge.
(India, Morroco, Japan, Italy, UK, USA)
I am a general b*tch, I can save the world
I am your leader b*tch, Don't ever trust them for the squirrels
Even you are just nothing but a brake
Loosing your wheels for pete's sake.
I am a general b*tch, I can lead you from protection
I am a general b*tch, I never see you from my stupid reflection.
From Mumbai to Los Angeles.
Cannot see you wrangling these bets.
(2nd verse)
Everything you just lose behind from your little crying dollhouse.
Being broken from that warehouse.
Even in Mumbai, I can see you.
Saying I am a loser and the name is Rue!
Want me to wrangle up the wars?
Sure baby boo, Let's start the war, Vietnamese/Amercian War, here we come with the big guns from our cars!
I am a general b*tch, I ain't from ya military.
I am a general b*tch, I ain't care for your excuses honey.
It's from the world to start this
One word, you'll have your cutted wrists!
Anything you do from this guard
You never gonna do this forward
That is Erin, and I am the b*tch who you waited.
Let go to the big guns paraded.
Let the bombs bomb the whole of Mother Earth!
Let these go out of Bert! (No offense to the ones who named Bert)
Party in the club was postponed baby
Time for our bombs ready.
It ain't sh***y saying she is not a keeper
But saying me cannot rap makes you look like Harley Quinn made out with Joker!
(Chorus 4x)
And that was my song, sorry if bad. - Erinaliese

So Sweaty by Jacob saggytitsaurus is the worst song ever - AlphaQ