Top Ten Worst Things to Hear Your Pilot Say

You're sitting in your economy 18B middle seat, sandwiched between two people who snore. Luckily the Fasten Seatbelt sign is turned off so you can squeeze your way into the aisle and head to the lavatory. You sit inside and revel in the freedom and space.

You only have a few hours left of your flight so you wander back to your seat when you hear the familiar dinging of the Fasten Seatbelt sign. You hear the pilot's voice come over the intercom and hear:

The Top Ten

Those of you in the front of the plane will be landing on schedule. Those of you in the back will be on the ground a few minutes early.

Unless they start hiding parachutes under the seats, nobody wants to hear that their section of the plane might be landing early - and somewhere other than the airport.

That sucks because I always sit in coach

Ha! That is amazing! Lol

The normal pilot slept in so I'll be handling the flight today. Don't worry though, this is exactly like the simulator.

While video games and flying a commercial plane are probably closer than you think, you should really hope for a seasoned pilot.

Please tell me it's goat simulator he played

This made me giggle

If you look out the left side of the plane you'll see bright blue skies. Those of you on the right side will see what looks like a mountain approaching rapidly...

We hope to see nothing but blue skies, clouds, and the tops of mountains far below us.

That's why blue skies are always nice. Unlike the mountains.

I've never been this close to a mountain before...

Sorry for that weird noise just now... Sometimes I snore.

We know those ten-minute catnaps happen, just don't advertise it to the passengers.

Haha... Actually oh my God! That's not at all funny!
Great list, Finch!

Sleeping during the flight... Is that why we are on Mars?

The visibility out there is zero. I'm not totally sure where we are but at least we're still in the air.

Being airborne is definitely the objective when traveling by plane though sometimes it might be safer to be on the ground.

True! At least we aren't dead!

My spouse left me this morning. If I can't go home then why should any of you?

Nobody ever thinks about the pilot's day. Maybe this is one of those days they don't want to see the end of.

Those of you with electronic devices should stow them away. Otherwise they're going to become projectiles in a few seconds.

Nothing like a laptop or iPhone hitting you in the back of your head at 500 mph - or the ground hitting you in the face at the same speed.

We've just lost 2 engines but don't worry folks, we can get by on... Wait, how many does this plane have?

While planes can fly without one of their engines, losing multiples might not be the best thing for your trip.

If the person doesn't know the mechanics of a plane, they shouldn't be allowed to drive one.

OK on jumbo jets

I'm sorry folks but we're going to have to turn back. It looks like someone forgot to put the gas cap back on.

While waiting to board the plane, we all watch to see if we can spot our bags being loaded but who really watches the fuel crew?

This happened to my mom.

Those of you in economy will be enjoying a meal of chicken or pasta while those of you in first class will be enjoying a meal of economy passengers.

There is always such a disparity between the meals in different classes. Has anyone ever decided it was worth paying the extra cost just to get a slightly better meal on an airplane? Aren't the more comfortable seats, earlier boarding times, nicer staff, and better smelling air enough?

I must say, there is nothing like a hint of cannibalism to account for your metabolism.

The Contenders

Look no hands!
Allahu Akbar!
Brace

They're about to land or in mid air, almost anything could be happening then there's a malfunction ie: Landing gears stuck in plane, Brace, Brace etc.

Does anybody know how to fly a plane?

Then how is the plane gonna take o-*plane goes off runway and breaks* - SoongeBill

This was in the movie "airplane" and that movie was halarious

Mayday

Come on mayday is terrifying to hear

Justin Bieber will be on this flight.

I'm Bored of this joke! *yawn* Snore...

This joke is SERIOUSLY getting old.

And if you look to your right you'll see me
I pooped in my pants

Someone pooped my pants

You suck
This is your captain speaking. I don't remember how to fly a plane
If you look on either side, you will see some missiles flying toward us
I have a very terrible drinking problem right now.
Hey, Osama, Wazzup. I'll crash the plane soon.
This is your captain speaking, prepare for 72 virgins
I'm very sorry but I'm dead
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