Top Ten Worst Things to Hear Your Pilot Say

 You're sitting in your economy 18B middle seat, sandwiched between two people who snore. Luckily the Fasten Seatbelt sign is turned off so you can squeeze your way into the aisle and head to the lavatory. You sit inside and revel in the freedom and space.

You only have a few hours left of your flight so you wander back to your seat when you hear the familiar dinging of the Fasten Seatbelt sign. You hear the pilot's voice come over the intercom and hear:

The Top Ten

1 Those of you in the front of the plane will be landing on schedule. Those of you in the back will be on the ground a few minutes early.

Unless they start hiding parachutes under the seats, nobody wants to hear that their section of the plane might be landing early - and somewhere other than the airport. - Finch

Ha! That is amazing! Lol - jmepa1234

That sucks because I always sit in coach - ethanmeinster

2 The normal pilot slept in so I'll be handling the flight today. Don't worry though, this is exactly like the simulator.

While video games and flying a commercial plane are probably closer than you think, you should really hope for a seasoned pilot. - Finch

Please tell me it's goat simulator he played - cdxtreme

This made me giggle - jmepa1234

3 If you look out the left side of the plane you'll see bright blue skies. Those of you on the right side will see what looks like a mountain approaching rapidly...

We hope to see nothing but blue skies, clouds, and the tops of mountains far below us. - Finch

I've never been this close to a mountain before... - PositronWildhawk

That's why blue skies are always nice. Unlike the mountains. - Kiteretsunu

4 Sorry for that weird noise just now... Sometimes I snore.

We know those ten-minute catnaps happen, just don't advertise it to the passengers. - Finch

Sleeping during the flight... Is that why we are on Mars? - jmepa1234

Haha... Actually oh my God! That's not at all funny!
Great list, Finch! - Britgirl

5 The visibility out there is zero. I'm not totally sure where we are but at least we're still in the air.

Being airborne is definitely the objective when traveling by plane though sometimes it might be safer to be on the ground. - Finch

True! At least we aren't dead! - jmepa1234

6 My spouse left me this morning. If I can't go home then why should any of you?

Nobody ever thinks about the pilot's day. Maybe this is one of those days they don't want to see the end of. - Finch

7 Those of you with electronic devices should stow them away. Otherwise they're going to become projectiles in a few seconds.

Nothing like a laptop or iPhone hitting you in the back of your head at 500 mph - or the ground hitting you in the face at the same speed. - Finch

8 We've just lost 2 engines but don't worry folks, we can get by on... Wait, how many does this plane have?

While planes can fly without one of their engines, losing multiples might not be the best thing for your trip. - Finch

If the person doesn't know the mechanics of a plane, they shouldn't be allowed to drive one. - BlueTopazIceVanilla

OK on jumbo jets - computerfan0

9 I'm sorry folks but we're going to have to turn back. It looks like someone forgot to put the gas cap back on.

While waiting to board the plane, we all watch to see if we can spot our bags being loaded but who really watches the fuel crew? - Finch

This happened to my mom.

10 Those of you in economy will be enjoying a meal of chicken or pasta while those of you in first class will be enjoying a meal of economy passengers.

There is always such a disparity between the meals in different classes. Has anyone ever decided it was worth paying the extra cost just to get a slightly better meal on an airplane? Aren't the more comfortable seats, earlier boarding times, nicer staff, and better smelling air enough? - Finch

I must say, there is nothing like a hint of cannibalism to account for your metabolism. - PositronWildhawk

The Contenders

11 Look no hands!
12 Allahu Akbar!
13 Mayday

Come on mayday is terrifying to hear

14 Brace

They're about to land or in mid air, almost anything could be happening then there's a malfunction ie: Landing gears stuck in plane, Brace, Brace etc.

15 Justin Bieber will be on this flight.

This joke is SERIOUSLY getting old. - Minecraftcrazy530

I'm Bored of this joke! *yawn* Snore... - jmepa1234

16 And if you look to your right you'll see me
17 You suck
18 Does anybody know how to fly a plane?

This was in the movie "airplane" and that movie was halarious - Ajkloth

19 If you look on either side, you will see some missiles flying toward us
20 I have a very terrible drinking problem right now.
21 Hey, Osama, Wazzup. I'll crash the plane soon.
22 This is your captain speaking, prepare for 72 virgins
23 I'm very sorry but I'm dead
24 I think we might be on Mars.
25 Flight attendant could we get two parachutes please
26 Prepare for "WATER LANDING".
27 I pooped in my pants
28 This is your captain speaking. I don't remember how to fly a plane
29 I pulled up too hard and ripped our wings off. Please remain seated.
30 Where's that guide on how to fly the plane for forgetful idiots... Oh no! There is no guide on how to fly a plane for forgetful idiots! I'm bummed!
31 I'm gonna close my eyes and predict that we are gonna crash... Yes we are! Hooray!
32 Brace for impact! Actually...there is no point
33 This is your captain speaking, does anyone know what check engine means?
34 The normal Captain called in so I'll be flying us today but don't worry I haven't had an accident in over a week
35 OH NO THE GROUND!
36 I'm gay

Lame.

37 I am going to take a shower right now, so just make sure no else one tries to be the pilot.
38 Oops. I hit the wrong button and now we’re falling straight at the mountain. Enjoy the remaining minutes of your day!
39 We are having technical difficulties, enjoy your flight
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