WonkeyDude98's Formal Rage Ep. 1: The Hills

WonkeyDude98
So...hello. This is the humble beginnings of my formal rage posts, basically a ripoff of vertitelcabal's rages.

2015 is the year of the Weeknd. Oh how I wish it was the year of the weekend instead. So, the Weeknd is an R&B singer from Toronto, Canada, and he started getting recognition in the boom of 2011 when he released a few mixtapes, but he wasn't really that popular.

Then 2013 happened and he released his first album Kiss Land. Some people disliked the constant lamenting and whining, along with his vocal performance. Then the year after, he exploded after working with Ariana Grande. And after that he took the music industry by storm.

In 2015, he released his second album Beauty Behind The Madness, which strayed into more of a pop territory, while still keeping a bit of his Kiss Land quirks. For better or worse.

He released six hits: Earned It, Often, The Hills, Can't Feel My Face, Tell Your Friends, and In The Night. Most of these had a pop influence....except The Hills.

I actually didn't hate Earned It that much and Can't Feel My Face was actually not bad at all (until it got overplayed). But then we get the elephant in the room...The Hills. It starts off with this loud buzzing sound coupled by Abel's grunts, which are fully autotuned. Then the beat takes a dramatic shift into utter darkness as he talks about how he (still processed with autotune) is having a woman cheat on her boyfriend, but she stays quiet about it. He goes on to say how he can't find her house, presumably because of her not wanting anything to do with him.

Then he does the worst possible thing: "I only call you when it's half past five". Talk about treating women like toys. He then says he had no emotional attachments with her. UGGGGH, most untalented exposure of what a song is talking about ever.

THEN what does he do? He says that HE ALREADY WENT WITH TWO OTHER WOMEN BEFORE THE ONE HE'S TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!! HOW DENSE IS THIS GUY?! He also says how drugs are becoming routine for him and how it is what's blocking him from having a real relationship, which he says "is not living life for the moment". Boo hoo. I feel so sorry for you. /Sarcasm

After the chorus he says that she can't hide what she's done. So basically she's the one at fault. No. NO! NOO!!! That is NOT what you do after everything you've laid out in the song! No! He also says that only she can trust herself. Again, NO!

After the insufferable chorus is repeated for the final time, there is something in the Weeknd's native language that is apparently pretty heartfelt. IT'S KINDA TOO LATE FOR THAT.

So my verdict is an obvious -1/5, there's no questioning. The Weeknd has set the quickest squandering of any talent he may have had from his burst of popularity to his new awfulness. It took Eminem 16 years. It took Maroon 5 13 years. It took the Weeknd less than a year. All this "song" showed was that the Weeknd is a reedy-voiced, whiny, droning, drug-full, misogynistic, talentless excuse for an artist. I mean, I never thought of him as the next Michael Jackson, but man what a disappointment this guy turned out to be.

So was the Weeknd over? Well....not quite. He probably decided how awful The Hills was and got a few rappers to remix it: Eminem, Nicki Minaj, and Lil Wayne.

Eminem's remix will come first. I was honestly really skeptical as Eminem, despite being my personal favorite rapper, can be hit more miss at times. So the buzzing noise is still there, but the grunting is gone. Then Em starts singing and rapping about how a woman is making the empty promise to be with him, merely for the fun of it, and says that she left her boyfriend. Eminem pretty much makes the song catchy and makes it make sense, and adds more emotion to it. It immediately caused the song to go from a -1/5 to a 5/5.

Nicki Minaj and The Weeknd is an awful match, but it isn't awful. Nicki Minaj raps about how her relationship with Drake was difficult because of substances, but it for the most part worked out anyway. It wasn't that good, but not bad. 3/5.

I expected the Lil Wayne remix to be better than the original.

Guess what I got?

It is even worse. It's basically the song run through the eyes of Eminem's imaginary character Ken Kaniff. That's all I need to say. I'm assuming that ever since 2012, someone replaced Lil Wayne with a clone that only raps about stuff that are completely and utterly disgusting. -10/5.

The end result is nothing but a migraine. Do you know how bad The Hills is? It's so bad, it peaked at #1 on the charts. I don't get you people.

Comments

Edit: It took Eminem 10 years. - WonkeyDude98

I think the Weeknd won't last long, yet again this might be wrong - Martinglez

Hilarious unintended pun aside, I hope not. - WonkeyDude98

You have made a great rant. Keep it up. - visitor

Thank you! I plan to do more in a bit. - WonkeyDude98

The Hills will probably expire. - Swellow

If it doesn't then I will question this generation. - WonkeyDude98

The Weeknd seemed to last longer than it did. - Swellow

Well, if we're not counting the fact that it released in 2015, In the Night is probably my second favorite song of 2016 so far, and could overpower 7 Years at any time (though highly unlikely). - WonkeyDude98

HAHA. It overpowered 7 Years. - visitor

HAHA IT DID - WonkeyDude98

HAHA Nearly everything overpowered 7 Years. - AlphaQ

Did The Weeknd end yet? - Swellow

Unfortunately it did. - ProPanda

His only song on the charts right now is Low Life which is technically by Future - ProPanda

HE'S BACK NOW BABY! - ProPanda

Hell naw. He's back and is better. - AlphaQ

Man, I really was an awful user back then...1/10 review for a 1/10 user.

WHY'D I BRING UP THE REMIXES - WonkeyDude98

Don't feel bad though; I can feel your anger on this song. Aside from the dark atmosphere which is uncommon on the charts, I don't get how it was a #1 hit. The Hills gets a 1/10 from me. - NiktheWiz

Great. Not only is this review cringey and terribly written, it's also outdated.

The original song is a 5/5, the Eminem remix is a 6/5, the Nicki remix is a 4/5, and the Lil Wayne rendition...okay that's still an abomination. - WonkeyDude98

Eh, I liked this song when I first heard it, it just became a bit boring. So now it's a 4/5. Eminem is 6/5. Nicki is 3/5 Wayne is? /5 and Tyga is Yolo/5 - AlphaQ

It's got amazing production but the lyrics are horrible.

My rating for this is a 4/5 - StarlightSpanks

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