A Sarcastic Overview of Square Dancing

As humankind is so blessed as to walk on two feet, have opposable thumbs, and an advanced method of locomotion, I find it pleasing that we are using this advantageous ability to good use, the sophisticated act of square dancing. Humans have only truly reached enlightenment when they have acted like a group of mindless drones obeying the commands of the master coming from the CD player. Square dancing consists of such sophisticated instruments such as the fiddle, which is basically a glorified fiddle. As far as I know, the beautiful sound of the fiddle is tuned by a highly trained farmer boy scraping cats with a hot poker. Who needs a tuning fork when you have the music of the spheres in your pet cat? I'm glad to see highly trained professionals putting their education to good use in the complex geometry of square dancing.

There, however, are several rules of etiquette in this exquisite dance. First, and foremost, always punctuate your stomps with a "Yee Haw!". You must also refrain from going bonkers after the caller's quintillionth "Now do si do."
Last, always bow to your "pardner" as you would after a severe case of the "bends". Most people do not need to fake the bow, it comes with the putrid smell of the barn animals and unwashed bodies that makes you want to keel over and hurl your biscuits.
I've heard reports that square dancing is used as torture in such countries where cruel and unusual punishment is commonplace. It's much more commonplace in American gymnasiums, where sadistic gym teachers, who are given a certain level of physical exercise permitted by law, instead use this punishment to feel good about themselves.

Who doesn't love a good old fashioned hoedown? Although this may sound like a sexist police officer arresting a young lady at gunpoint,, I assure you it is anything but. Police officers hardly go to square dances, they have a reputation to keep, you see. Police are more commonly seen shutting down hoedowns than going to them.

Much is shrouded around the mystery of the caller. Who is he, where did he come from, and why does he sound like a sick donkey? I have unearthed a recent truth that shows that most callers were bullied from a young age, and retreated into a fantasy world of cowboys, much like the common fantasy that four is better than five. Indeed, there are many square dancing calls that raise eyebrows, from Flip the Diamond, which is commonplace already at baseball games where the home team is losing bad, to Acey Deucey, which was the subject of a recent landmark copyright case with a certain band known to have a tendency for screaming at the top of their tar soaked lungs. Surely only the greatest poet could come up with such a name as "Roll away with a Half Sashay!"

It's not only the callers that make square dancing enjoyable, it's also the dancers themselves. Who doesn't enjoy watching a spur clad cowboy kick his pardner during the "High Kick"? Or watching some decidedly obese dancers, who've never had a square meal, much less a square dance, trip over their two left feet to the shouts of "Yee Haw" from a group of John Wayne impersonators with cowboy hats the size of Nebraska? Square dancing is as popular as far away as China, where the government took precious time out of their lives to choreograph
12 square dances deemed acceptable to the state of the public. And we wonder why the American government is on the decline. If only they would stop listening to reason and start listening to Randy the Sombrero Clad Rodeo King, maybe our country would be a little better after all.

Comments

What a way to summarise America. - PositronWildhawk (9/2/2015)

"the fiddle, which is basically a glorified fiddle"

I burst out laughing at that one. This is fab! - PetSounds (9/3/2015)

I loved that part too! That was my favorite part. - Turkeyasylum (9/5/2015)

Thanks! Yours was great too @PetSounds - visitor (9/3/2015)

This sums up the torture of square dancing. - RiverClanRocks (9/5/2015)