Celebrity Deathmatch (17') Episode II Comedic Brutality
''The program you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the creators' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales is entirely coincidental. This program does not reflect the views or opinions of any actual person portrayed herein....anyway it's just clay!''Gomez: What happens when two comedians are reunion for all the reasons to fight, and settle the score, what do these two female fatales have in common against Trump, and the tangle of a lifetime between the 30's versus the 00's satire on Celebrity Deathmatch!
(Plays theme song)
Johnny Gomez: Good evening folks i'm Johnny Gomez
Nick Diamond: And i'm Nick Diamond
Gomez: You'll be in for a killer as we have nothing more than comedic beating the holy crap out of each other as Dane Cook battles Dax Shepard in a Employee of the Month reunion.
Diamond: Then things get even hotter with Kathy Griffin taking on Amy Schumer in whose the more over-rated comedian.
Gomez: Then it all comes together as The three Stooges take on Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph of Saturday Night Live.
Gomez: Let's go down to Debbie for the interview with Dane Cook
Debbie Matenopoulous: Thanks Johnny, now Dane is there any bitter loss between you, and Dax in the making of Employee of the Month?
Dane Cook: The feeling is there I got all of he's prestige, while he is now at the bottom...
Dax Shepard: Okay box boy i'll put you back in your place you'll see i'm the better man.
(At the ring after 20 seconds)
Diamond: Could we expect anything outta these two?
Gomez: Maybe from Dax, more than Dane as Shepard has many different tricks in his sleeve to perhaps pull off the victory.
Mills Lane: Okay I want a good clean fight you got me?
Shepard: Yep
Cook: Yes sir
Lane: Now let's get it on!
Shepard: You know what they say Dane were just a couple of sailors sent to hell. (hits him in the private area)
Gomez: I don't believe it he did not feel a thing.
Diamond: Johnny he must of been wearing a cup good thing to.
Shepard: Cook! (enraged)
Gomez: Why is he feeling no pain something is up here.
Cook: You can do better right?
Diamond: Something happened the lights are out...
Gomez: Wait its Shepard's sidekick Efren Ramirez
Ramirez: Boss I have arrived
Shepard: Finish him now!
Gomez: and Cook quickly takes out Ramirez from the match now what does Dax do next.
Diamond: And now the wife gets involved.
Gomez: It's Kristen Bell whose been apart of most of Dax's movies.
Cook: Woah I ain't touching a women that's low.
Bell: Maybe this will (Big hard slap)
Cook: Well I was hoping you would not do that because I have someone for you to play with.
Diamond: Johnny its Jessica Simpson!
Gomez: indeed it is Nick, and immediately goes after Kristen, and now we back to the fair fight.
Cook: Anybody else before I do take you down once and for all.
Shepard:... no, I don't, but I do have my other cellmate with me.
Gomez: Nelson Peterman the IV from Let's go to Prison
Will Arnett: Hey how's a going pal I got something here that will make you stronger than ever. Take this, one last thing it may hurt, but you'll be just fine.
(Takes the syringe, and explodes)
Mills: and the winner is Dax Shepard!
Gomez: Incredibly Nick it seemed like nothing was working for Dax with all the outside interference until Arnett showed up to deliver the goods.
Diamond: Will be right back after these sponsors on Celebrity Deathmatch!
(Commercial Break)
Gomez: Hello again if you're just joining us Dax found a way to slay his foe Dane Cook with the help of Will Arnett.
Diamond: Now we go in opposite genders in this case as we get some more cat fight action between these highly rated comedians Kathy Griffin, and Amy Schumer these two are neutral to one another, but on this night it changes as one comes out on top the other deceased.
Mills: Alright I want a good clean you got me? Now let's get it on!
Griffin: Hey why should we fight Amy?
Schumer: Maybe because... you overdid something that you wish you hadn't done.
Griffin: Coming from someone who hates his guts I thought you would be on the same boat as me, and refused to engage in combat against me.
Schumer: Well how about we toast then wine
(5 minutes later)
Schumer: Okay let's tangle!
Gomez: Incredible Amy tried to intoxicate herself into this fight.
Diamond: Now it feels more like a comedic catfight everyone wanted to see.
Griffin: Here's one to you're precious legs
Gomez: She shatters the glass of win to the back side of Amy's legs ouch.
Diamond: Now Kathy if going on the full offense opposing her will on the almost defenseless Amy Schumer.
Gomez: At this rate her whole lower body will be cut in half.
Diamond: Hold on just a minute Johnny... is her period going to explode?
(literally takes Kathy Griffin inside the nonsense contraption, and doesn't come out alive)
Gomez: Unbelievable knowing Schumer's comedy show inside she always talks about periods, and now that came to play a factor against Kathy Girffin.
Lane: And the winner is Amy Schumer!
Gomez: Folks you don't want to miss out on our star studded 3 on 3 main event contest between The three Stooges, and three of the funniest women in 2000's decade of Saturday Night Live on Celebrity Deathmatch!
(Commercial Break)
Gomez: Hello again everybody if you're just turning in Dax Shepard defeated Dane Cook thanks to the help of fellow celebrity inmate Will Arnett, and Amy Schumer found a way near the vag to defeat Kathy Griffin I wouldn't make this up haha.
Diamond: Now you've come to the right spot in time as we see a battle of two trio's tangle in one spectacular main event.
Gomez: Longtime comedy legends the Three Stooges defined Black, and White comedy without using swear words in which three SNL assassin's from the 00's never hold back and were too good at what they did.
Lane: Alright this may seem like battle of the sexes, but Stooges you can handle this kind of situation can't you (nods head), now you women seek pleasure in beating you're opponent physically (they nod as well). Without anything left I want a clean fight use jokes as you're dying wish if needed now let's get it on!
Gomez: Here we go Nick there fighting inside, and outside the ring that's more like it.
Diamond: Indeed Johnny, but unfortunately for the Stooges there getting ''hammered'' early on out there hahaha.
Amy Poehler: Rick! Rick! Rick! Guess what i'm gonna rip you in half.
Maya Rudolph: Oh Curly honey you don't escape my clutches... bobby brown made me do it!
Tina Fey: This is how we roll in Albania, i'll lick the head and then give you hep C see how fun that is.
Gomez: Look at this Nick no love loss between these two.
Diamond: Its only a matter of time until the Stooges get from 3 versus 3, to 1 Versus 3.
Gomez: You look to be right Nick right about now as Larry has been scratched to his death sentence.
Poehler: Rick! Rick!
Diamond: Time to regroup when you can before its too late.
Gomez: Moe can't seem to get outta the block though he notices the danger he faces. Trying to get some sort of offense going, now his got Hepatitis slowly the death is now destined to be.
Diamond: Wait a minute Johnny, Moe has erupted now with some sort of fuse was it from the bite from Hepatitis?
Gomez: I don't believe it Tina's attack has worked against her temporarily. Moe's sacrifice was not in vain as he takes out Tina Fey in the process. Leaving Curly all alone against Poehler, and Rudolph.
Rudolph: You don't stand against before our might!
Poehler: RICK! RICK!...
Diamond: Oh my johnny this is unusual!
Gomez: Indeed it is Nick Curly just pulled a Marilyn Manson hat trick by using the skeleton pull of death to take out Amy Poehler.
Now the playing field is at even Maya, and Curly left standing face to face.
Diamond: Maya has looked incredibly confident tonight, and now she has a grin with bad intentions.
Rudolph: You think you have one fool prepare for you're ultimate deathhhhh!!!
(Transforms into the Hormone Monstress)
Diamond: What in Satan's hell are we witnessing Johnny?
Gomez: Ladies and gentleman nobody is safe when the Hormone Monstress is unleashed.
Rudolph: How would you like you're sperm to fill up with sexual puberty.
Gomez: Curly takes the bait, and now feels suckered the seed is in.
(Private Parts come off)
Lane: and the winner is the ladies from SNL! More specially The Hormone Monstress!
Rudolph: Any women out there tonight who could use a puberty associate?
Gomez: What a surprising, and remarkable end to this rebooted Celebrity Deathmatch! Good fight, good night!