How Does Stephen King Go Off His Onion?


I was waiting in a large crowd of people on a street. There were dozens of guys all around me. There had been some accident, it seemed, and everyone was anxious to catch sight of the poor victim and gloat over him. I just wanted to cross the crowd to get to my office, the Glass Liquidizing Agency, an agency which actively promoted the addition of liquidized glass to burgers, pizzas, and other eatables. I pushed through the crowd, annoyed. I was late for the bally Glass Liquidizing Agency.

Suddenly a man in a mauve suit nudged me a bit hard. I looked sharply at him. “I need to tell you something important,” he whispered. “What?” I asked, curious but a bit irked. He grabbed my ear – I growled – and murmured self-importantly : “Don’t get worked up, but my neighbour lives right next to me.”

I had been planning to punch off Mr. Mauve Suit in the guts but this absurd statement obstructed my thinking.

“Uh – wha-at?” I asked, gawking.

He nodded desperately. “It’s true.”

I stopped gawking out of politeness. “He doesn’t seem drunk, true...” I murmured thoughtfully. “Too much of the sun?”

“What, sir? I can’t hear.” The mauve chap was saying.

I mumbled something about onions and took off in the opposite direction. I nudged, dodged, and fudged with adroit dexterity and in a few moments I was nearing the edge of the crowd. “Thank God,” I exclaimed.

And at the same time my new friend was exclaiming something as well. Loud. Very. I could hear it over the din of the crowd like crystal clear, and if that wasn’t enough, the man in mauve was waving his hands to gain attention.


I rolled my eyes. Crazy guy. Some people are so idiotic. He was probably just trying to grab the spotlight, but if it was the sun then I’d better be sorry for him.

I reached the end of the crowd and broke out. I began walking towards my office.

I felt a bit dizzy, all of a sudden. I felt queer...

I almost fell down for no reason. I steadied myself.

I continued walking down the bright lane.


I was feeling dizzy again. My thoughts were going –

Crazy. Insane.

Wild. What was happening? Too much of the sun...


Hungry – now.

Aunt Jane –

I couldn’t think properly. What was going on?

Suddenly I stopped and raced back to the crowd. "Listen!" I remember yelling frenziedly. "I killed my own BigMac!" A few meters away, I saw the mauve man smile softly.

The man headed towards me. He didn't look like a retard anymore... There was a gun in his hand.

It was loaded.