Top 10 Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

Dwight Schrute, played by the incomparable Rainn Wilson, is one of the most beloved and eccentric characters in television history. As the resident "Assistant to the Regional Manager" at Dunder Mifflin on the hit TV show "The Office," Dwight has gifted us with some of the most memorable lines and moments in the show's nine-season run. From his affinity for beets and bears, to his intense loyalty to his boss Michael Scott, Dwight's quirks and idiosyncrasies have kept us laughing and cringing in equal measure.

But what makes Dwight's character so endearing is not just his absurdity, but also his surprising moments of vulnerability and genuine emotion. Despite his tough exterior and staunch commitment to authority, Dwight is also capable of deep love and loyalty towards his coworkers and friends. And it is this complexity that has made him a fan favorite, and his quotes some of the most oft-repeated and beloved in pop culture.
The Top Ten
1 I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Laughed for 5 minutes straight! It was the most hilarious thing I have ever heard from the office. My dad and I laugh about it all the time.

I can just imagine Dwight running up to the Dead Dog and backing away awkwardly. Hilarious!

Be careful Edward Cullen and Jacob Black! Dwight Schrute, the monster slayer is on town.

2 I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

This is by far my favorite quote! I was also crying first time I heard it.

This one made me cry the first time I heard it... funniest thing ever!

Awesome, and so glad I have never run into the other 20%!

3 Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

The funny thing about it is that you're not even supposed to tip your urologist. It's the one thing on that list that you're not supposed to tip.

I mean, its kinda true... Laugh out loud. I think that's what makes it so funny. I don't even watch the show and this is funny.

4 I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

One of Dwight's best lines ever. He needs his own show... Life on Dwight's beet farm would be hilarious... And terrifying.

I laughed so hard at this I spilled coffee all over my couch!

Haha. I love the ridiculousness. Awesome pick-me-up.

5 If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
6 Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.

Truth! Haha I myself am a woman and I definitely agree!

In my opinion the best quote of all time on the Office. I just wish the UK version was as funny as the American version

7 I never smile if I can help it.... Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life

Best quote from the office of all time. The perfect demonstration of Dwight Schrute's character.

He said this just before he was having his picture taken.

I couldn't stop laughing when he said this. really shows you how his mind works!

8 And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.

Watching the reruns right now and this one cracked me up and made me look for Dwight quotes... So since it brought me to this site I figured I gotta go with it.

Simply hilarious.. Dwight is by ffaar my favorite character from the office.. Michael is pretty great also.

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

9 Michael is like Mozart, and I'm like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you're gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

In my opinion, the most quotable thing he's ever said on the show. My friends and I recite this exact quote all the time.

You kidding me? The seriousness in Dwight's face as he spouts out this line.. I can't stop laughing!

10 I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.
The Contenders
11 You're PMS'ing pretty bad huh?

Dwight is just going along and you're thinking, "wow he is being really empathetic here", and then he says that... Laugh out loud!

This one is hilarious because of the situation he said it in; Pam was crying and that's how he handled the situation.

12 I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
13 When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me...
14 In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.

Every time I hear this one it makes me want to throw up from laughing so hard!

15 There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.
16 I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I'd be good at picking the person.
17 Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don't believe everything that people on television tell you.
18 I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
19 I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99 sure!

Even with the most ridiculous ideas, Jim always gets the better of Dwight!

I've watched this episode, dwight is so funny!

20 Hey! Who put my stapler in Jello again?
21 There are too many people in this world. We need a new plague.

Honestly Dwight's funniest quote of all time. I laugh every time I read this one

22 There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying...
23 Who thought of this one: Anal fissures?
24 Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I would not do that thing.

Such wisdom should be on public display. At least 1 posted every square mile in Minnesota.

25 Merideth, mens room. Be sure to replace the urinal cakes, they're getting worn down
8Load More
PSearch List