Full-fledged List Analysis Quintuple Feature: New Years Resolutions.

NuMetalManiak
Yes, on Christmas Day I am sicker than a weasel and woke up with a concussion. Not good. But since I'm bored sick at home I decided to do not one, not two, but FIVE list analyses, on what I often consider my least favorite holiday mostly because of all the idiotic partying people doing things and not going along with them. ARGH! The lists are as follows:

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions
Top Ten Weird New Year's Resolutions
Top Ten New Year's Resolutions That Are Obvious Lies
Top 10 New Years Resolutions That You Can Surely Accomplish
Top Ten Reasons Why People Don't Keep Their New Years Resolutions

Here we go:

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions:
1. Enjoy Life More: You should do this all the time. After all, what good is a new year if you spend all year complaining about the bad things outside of your control.
2. Lose Weight: If what you are doing with your weight is too unhealthy, then yes.
3. Get Fit: Or make sure your not weak.
4. Learn Something New: Blah, you do this every day, not even worthwhile for a resolution.
5. Get Organized: Maybe you shouldn't make a mess of things around your area.
6. Help Others: There are some dangers to this, though.
7. Get a Boyfriend/Girlfriend: No thanks.
8. Stop Smoking: Most of us on this site don't do this.
9. Do Better In School: Given that you are about to leave Winter Break, yep.
10. Be Less Clumsy: Sure.
11. Fall In Love: Love wants you to get swallowed by it? Knock yourself out.
12. Get Closer to God: Do you want to be f**ked like an animal? Do you want to be felt on the inside? Is your whole existence flawed?
13. Spend Time with Loves Ones: Only if they aren't boring.
14. Stop Procrastinating: Oh yes.
15. Spend More Time with the Family: This technically is a duplicate.
16. Be Happy: Cuz every little thing, s'gonna be alright.
17. Reorganize Life: This could mean more than you think. Your life already is good? What's the point in reorganizing it? Your life is utter hell? Gotta do it, man.
18. Get More Popular: I'd rather not.
19. Quit Drinking: Drinking referring to alcohol yes, although most of us on TheTopTens are not alcoholics. Drink RESPONSIBLY if you are gonna do this thing with alcohol later in life, and know you might lose brain cells from drinking too much.
20. Get Laid: Wow, okay then.
21. Get Out of Debt: This certainly is a problem today.
22. Visit a New Country: With the Top 10 Worst Countries list featuring almost every country ever, pick your favorite.
23. Save Money: This is something you can do.
24. Fight Social Injustice: Obviously, although the targets who cause social injustice are more than you might think.
25. Get a Job: Man, I made over 500 applications this month, and no one has called me back.
26. Make New Friends: Make trustworthy friends, if you will.
27. Take More Risks In Life: Get closer to dying by doing this, though.
28. Create Something Great: Maybe if you can't get a job, create your own. I'm down.
29. Love Yourself: What is this comment, seriously.
30. Stop Biting Fingernails: This is such a little thing and I've been doing it for 23 years and no one complains about it.
31. Be More Charitable: If they will end up using the money you give them for their good cause and are not a scam. You can't trust anyone in this day and age though.
32. Be Kind and Caring: It seems harder to do nowadays.
33. Do Better In Geography: This is honestly one of the easiest subjects ever. How can you be bad at it? Also this reminds me to do an analysis on Worst School Subjects soon.
34. Make More Money: Everything needs money nowadays, that includes the Internet.
35. Get a Pet: As long as it loves you back.
36. Play More Video Games: Oh come on, I do this all the time.
37. Drink More Beer: Somebody didn't read #19.
38. Eat Less Chocolate: Good call.
39. Get a Computer: How did you put this item on here then? Phone?
40. Get Your College Degree: That's what I plan to actually do with my last semester next year.
41. Get Over Her: This item needs an "e" at the end, now you feel like Scorpion. GET OVER HERE!!
42. Stop Expecting: Hahahaha yes.
43. Recognize Your Lord and Aim of Life: Nice a religious fundie found this list.
44. Control Temper: That can be hard. There's always at least one thing in life that will make you lose it.
45. Be More Outgoing: Nah.
46. Eat Healthier: Yeah sure, as long as the companies actually follow health guidelines, this becomes less of an issue, really.

Top Ten Weird New Year's Resolutions:
1. Shave The Head and Get Bald For Every Lie You Say: You shaved it all off once, what's the point in getting bald if you already are?
2. Visit McDonald's Everyday: Like that Morgan guy did?
3. Dig Forty Four Pits In The Backyard: That's for burying all your failed resolutions, am I correct?
4. Destroy Your Video Game Consoles: No
5. Fight Two Tigers With Your Hands Every Week: I saw what Montecore did to Siegfried and Roy, no thank you.
6. Peel 60 Bananas Everyday: Because it's necessary for whatever you think is necessary.
7. Quit Using Headphones: As-seen-on-Twitch headphones those streamers wear is terrible.
8. Quit Wearing Orange Clothes: Nothing is fun about that color. Wear pink instead.
9. Gain Weight: Opposite of #2 on that other list.
10. Quit Using Toothpastes: Quit using Mint toothpaste, more than likely.
11. Make A New Year's Resolution: THERE YOU GO, LIST OVER.
12. Don't Forget To Build The Time Machine: Tell Stewie that.
13. Going Out For Midnight Walking Everyday: All dem street thugs be out walking at midnight.
14. Catch as Many Germs as Possible: Die quickly, if that's what you want.
15. Try to Eat More Deep-Fried Things: Fried food always gets smacked by SJWs. I can do this.
16. Be The Mayor of Candyland: Was it possible to do this in the actual board game?
17. Shave The Weeknd's Hair: Lord.
18. Play more Xbox 360: We already saw the whole video games thing. Come on. Lame.
19. Get A Bacon Sandwich: Bacon King at Burger King, Baconator at Wendy's, Bacon Lovers at Steak N' Shake, so many options to choose. I actually like them all.
20. Slap and/or Punch A Taco: Is it that one in South Park? The "taco that craps ice cream" in other words?
21. Build A Wall: Oh boy, here come the Trump haters.
22. Become a Belieber: Not relevant anymore.
23. Netflix and Chill 24/7: Bleh.
24. Eat No Gherkins: Huh?
25. Kill all the Insolent ones: Lovely.
26. Rob a Bank: This honestly doesn't count as a resolution either.
27. Kill Any Stray Animals: You heartless bastard.
28. Stop Wearing Underwear: This one at least isn't hard to do.
29. Shave a Bear: Good freaking luck with that.
30. Lick a Doorknob Every Day: Alright now this list sucks.
31. Stop Blinking: Good freaking luck with that.
32. Hav BD Gramer and Spelin 2 the Point Wher Its HRD 2 Reed Ur Speling: Get Comparisans on the line.
33. Sell Your Poop: Good freaking luck with that.
34. Waste All Your Money On Your Pet Rock: And then lose it.
35. Start Hugging Fish: Good freaking luck with that.
36. Have sex with a tattooed girl every second Thursday in the month: I like how specific this one is.
37. Climb Mt. Everest for Every Time You Lose a Game or Are Punished: You mentioned the game so you already lost.
38. Eat Green Eggs and Ham: For the fifth and final time, good freaking luck with that.

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions That Are Obvious Lies:
1. I will exercise everyday: Made by people already unhappy with themselves, but somehow only do it once or twice.
2. I will NOT eat more food than my calorie count requires: I actually hate how specific this item is.
3. I will focus on what's important: It's very easy to procrastinate.
4. My children will be safe: Hmph, you referring to kids you have now, or kids you will possibly have when you grow up and get married?
5. I will succeed in my new relationship: Why I swear off of relationships entirely, is because I have low trust of people. If someone wants to show affection to me, I actually don't show it back because I'd rather look strong.
6. I will not have 8 relationships this year: Goodness, don't turn into Taylor Swift now.
7. I will not flirt with every girl I see: Three relationship-related items in a row. If these really are lies, you men are perverts.
8. I will work consistently: Hard to do if your job is tiring.
9. I will not be awkward: Everyone is unique and awkward.
10. I will not embarrass my family: I want to inform my dad of this item.
11. I will quit drinking/smoking/doing drugs: Yep, don't even think about doing it in the first place.
12. Get all A's and be a good student: This is insanely tough for some classes.

Top 10 New Years Resolutions That You Can Surely Accomplish:
1. This year I will not make any more resolutions: GREAT CALL.
2. This year I won't go to the gym: I wish we could end the list at the first item. Whatever. I never go to the gym anyways.
3. This year I will only accomplish this resolution: The resolution of actually making this list?
4. This year I won't rob a bank: Hah. Looks like some of this was in response to the second list I analyzed.
5. This year I will eat food: But you do this every day anyways.
6. This year I won't sprout wings and fly away: Don't tell R. Kelly about this one.
7. This year I promise to not leave the solar system: Well no one really has yet.
8. This year I will go outside: You gotta do this anyways, unless you hoarded all sorts of items to live in your extreme box fort of virginity or whatever they call those things the previous year.
9. This year I will sleep: Just knock yourself out for a bit.
10. This year I won't go outside naked: Good call.

Top Ten Reasons Why People Don't Keep Their New Years Resolutions:
1. You Only Live Once: I hate seeing this item on any list. So what if you live once, you can make a number of resolutions you can actually do and do them well.
2. They Say It to Look Like a Good Person: Take THAT resolution-sayers. You really don't keep them, you just want to look cool in front of your other friends.
3. They Forget: I mean duh.
4. They Look Back and Realize "That's Dumb": Or it's this, yeah. Although thinking that good things are dumb is a bad sign.
5. They Don't Care: If they didn't care, why did they make it in the first place?
6. They Realize That They Were Drunk When They Said It: Oh, WOW. See, this is why I don't party on New Years Eve.
7. They Use an Excuse Because They Wanted to Do What They Said Not To: Generations of resolution-makers just don't learn.
8. They Do a Bet: That's not a good thing to do. You could lose money.
9. They Just Don't Do One: That's me alright. No point in doing them if you know you won't follow through with them.
10. They Don't Know What Not to Do: I bet a resolutions manual would work well for these people, assuming they can read.

So there you have it, New Years resolutions, why I hate this holiday, all the people partying and forgetting that it's all a basic farce. Stay inside kids, and don't make resolutions you can't obtain.

Comments

That's for burying all your failed resolutions, am I correct?

SICKKK - TwilightKitsune

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