Cartoon Crapisodes Rant: Episode 2 - Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom

ModernSpongeBobSucks I... really... really... REALLY... hate Squidward torture porn episodes! Man, I'm really glad I finally got a TheTopTens account just so I could get the chance to rant on these god-awful Modern SpongeBob episodes! Welcome, happy people of TheTopTens. This is ModernSpongeBobSucks here, and today, we have another rant post on one of the worst SpongeBob SquarePants episodes ever. Apparently, this episode is from Season 8, which is considered to have one of the worst episodes in the series, right up there with Season 7 and Season 6. As promised, after my rant post on the episode A Pal for Gary, I stated that I will be ranting on the episode Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom. Okay, let's just get this show on the road...

Sigh... this is gonna take a while. So in Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom, it starts off at the Krusty Krab, where we see that Squidward is listening to his favorite musician Kelpy G play his smooth jazz music on the radio. Then, the radio announces that Kelpy G will be performing at a live concert tonight. However, it is also announced that tickets for the concert are, "sorry, sold out." Fortunately, Squidward has managed to get his tickets for the concert (YES! GO SQUIDWARD!). SpongeBob then wants to go with Squidward to the concert, but Squidward stubbornly refuses to let him do so... when out of nowhere, Patrick eats Squidward's tickets (NO! BOO! I DEFY YOU, PATRICK STAR!). Things look bad until the radio comes on to say that there's also a lucky chance to earn backstage passes for the concert. SpongeBob and Squidward desperately try to repeatedly call through phones to be the lucky person to earn those backstage passes until SpongeBob comes out as the lucky person and earns backstage passes for both him and Squidward to go to the concert and meet Kelpy G backstage (hey, SpongeBob actually helps Squidward in this episode! Good job, writers! For now...).

Next, SpongeBob and Squidward go to the concert by taking a bus. Unfortunately, Squidward is annoyed by SpongeBob's immature behavior when they arrive at the concert. Squidward attempts to ditch SpongeBob by having him buy lemonade for both of them at a long line. It looks like Squidward is in the clear when SpongeBob then shows up and explains that there was a second lemonade stand. Despite this setback, they both go together to the concert where they see Kelpy G make his stage appearance by coming down from a giant clarinet and he begins to play jazz on his clarinet.

It looks like SpongeBob and Squidward will be able to enjoy the concert in peace, when all of a sudden, Patrick comes along... WHAT THE BARNACLES?! How did that pink prick manage to get in?! Ahem, pardon my relentless rage, for I still need to continue with what goes on this episode. Anyways, Patrick explains that he came here because he wanted nachos (really, that's the best he's got for why he's here?). As expected, this makes Squidward angry, but then Patrick decides to eat Squidward's backstage pass! With Squidward's backstage pass having been consumed by Patrick, SpongeBob decides to help Squidward by giving him his backstage pass. Aw... that's so nice of SpongeBob! It's great to see that after all these years of Squidward torture porn episodes that SpongeBob actually does something good for Squidward! Unfortunately... Patrick eats SpongeBob's backstage pass as well. I really want to choke that pink retard Homer Simpson-style right now... Moving on, Patrick wants more nachos (well, why didn't you go looking for them before instead of eating their backstage passes, idiot?!), so he interrupts Kelpy G's performance and tries to order what food he wants over the microphone. Kelpy G's guards then come to apprehend Patrick, where Patrick spots them and then jumps off the stage to escape them. With Patrick now landing onto the audience, Patrick is about to finally get the beating of his life by the audience when- Wait a minute, that isn't what actually happened. What actually happens is that as Patrick jumps off the stage onto the audience, the audience is actually cheering at him and carrying him away instead of mauling him for interrupting Kelpy G's performance (those little traitors of their own Mollusca phylum!). SpongeBob and Squidward try to sneak backstage since they no longer have their backstage passes, but they are told by the guards to go back to their seats. When they do go back to their seats, it is revealed that some other people have taken them. This prompts Squidward to yell at them for taking their seats, which in turn, causes Kelpy G to be interrupted again and the guards kicking SpongeBob and Squidward out of the concert. Great...

After SpongeBob and Squidward are kicked out, they manage to still successfully sneak backstage, but not before we see Patrick coming out of backstage eating a huge sandwich (how is he even allowed backstage?!). That said, Kelpy G's manager then appears and tells them that they need to leave since they do not have backstage passes. SpongeBob and Squidward attempt to try to impress Kelpy G by SpongeBob playing his ukulele and Squidward playing his clarinet. Kelpy G's manager is seen being tormented by their music, but it seems Kelpy G is enjoying it instead. However, it is actually revealed that Kelpy G actually hates Squidward's clarinet playing while he loves SpongeBob's ukulele playing. Meanwhile, the audience is waiting for Kelpy G to come back and perform. Kelpy G does come back, but not before he shows that he is having SpongeBob perform with him as well with his ukulele. Squidward then attempts to prove himself better than SpongeBob by playing his clarinet, only to be taken by the guards at the end of the episode. The end.

*Takes a big gulp of water from a bottle* Okay, now that I have gone over the plot of this episode, it's time to nitpick on the pros and cons of this episode (well, mostly the cons). Okay, so probably the only good pro in this entire Squidward torture porn episode is that SpongeBob isn't as much of an annoying jerk to Squidward as he is in other episodes such as Boating Buddies and Squid's Visit. In fact, as I said earlier, SpongeBob was actually being a good person by sacrificing his own backstage pass so that Squidward could go backstage since he lost his own backstage pass. If only it weren't in vain... Now with the pros aside, it's time to unleash my rage onto the cons of this episode! First, I'd like to rant about what type of horrible episode this is. In my last Cartoon Crapisodes Rant, I ranted about A Pal for Gary, which is considered to be a Gary torture porn episode. Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom obviously classifies itself as a Squidward torture porn episode. However, it's not just a single-type episode. It's rather a dual-type hybrid episode. Why? Because it's also a Patrick's a Prick episode! Which ties in to the second thing I hate about this episode. Patrick is literally a mindless and despicable buffoon throughout the entire episode. The starfish practically acts like he can go anywhere while acting like an unlikable and gluttonous nacho-munching SpongeBob SquarePants equivalent of Fred Fredburger from The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy and doesn't ever get punished for his stupidity. Also, need I mention how ridiculous it is how he was able to get into the concert in the first place?! Especially since it shouldn't have been possible as well since he ate Squidward's tickets unless he somehow regurgitated them back up! That's another thing wrong with this episode. They never explained how Patrick was able to go the concert without a ticket! Let alone, go backstage! Perhaps if they had shown Patrick taking out the tickets or backstage passes that he had eaten from his body in one way or another, it wouldn't have been as aggravating as it already was due to how it seems Patrick always seems to gets his own way for no reason whatsoever. To make things worse, Zeus Cervas, Casey Alexander, and Richard Pursel worked on this episode as well. Ugh, I can already say that this will be one of their hugest stains in their SpongeBob SquarePants careers. They're not bad people, but they're definitely bad writers. Now please stop torturing Squidward, Nickelodeon! JUST DO IT!

Now that my relentless raging rant is finally over, here is my final score for this episode:

0.5 out of 10.0 stars

Next episode: Cartoon Crapisodes Rant: Episode 3 - Stuck in the Wringer

Until then, peace!


Why do the show's writers get such a big kick whenever they do something horrible to Squidward (for god's sake leave that poor guy alone)? And why is Patrick acting like such a b******* nowadays (sorry for cuss)? - TwilightKitsune

Good rant, it is better than the actual episode - Skullkid755

Who wouldn't like seeing Squidward get tortured for doing absolutely nothing?

Yeah this episode sucks. - DCfnaf

8th Worst episode - Gangem