Top 10 Ways to Know You are a Hipster
We've all seen them, hanging around outside bars, convenience stores, or in alleys late at night. You hope they don't approach you to ask for change, or worse, to take a Polaroid picture of you. If you're lucky, you can cross the street to avoid them and whatever it is they're congregating to do. But sometimes, you turn a corner and get ambushed.You can't escape. You're surrounded by the stench of body odor and cheap beer. You notice tank tops in the winter, knit hats in the summer, skinny jeans, and Toms worn year-round. That's when it hits you. You know all the names of the people in this group. And worse, they know yours.
Face it. You're a hipster.
Hipsters are, unfortunately, here to stay (at least until some trendsetting brand tells them to embrace a new identity). There isn't much you can do about their existence. Your best defense against joining their ranks is recognizing the warning signs and avoiding them at all costs.
Below are the ways you can tell if you are a hipster.
Ever really loved a song only to later decide it's mainstream crap - but only after your friend discovers it? Yup, if you like a band, a brand of clothes, a bike, whatever, only to immediately change your mind once someone else does, you're a hipster. Face it, someone else in the world shares your birthday too.
If you think that beer crafted delicately by the hands of artists who adhere to time-tested recipes from a hundred years ago is crap, but think PBR is "the only true beer for the working man," then you're a hipster.
Cheap beer does not a revolutionary, anti-establishment puppet make. It just makes you pee and get bad breath.
Tank tops in the winter with your Ray-Bans? Sure, that totally makes sense. That wool beanie pulled ever so slightly back on your head, making you look like a Hasidic Papa Smurf on a 90-degree day? Why not.
As long as you own up to it being an intentional fashion statement and not for functional purposes, we'll judge you accordingly.
This is plain ridiculous. It surprises me that more people who do this don't come down with hypothermia or heatstroke.
Nobody cares that you have a mustache - they've been around longer than you have. Same with your neck beard. You aren't fooling anyone.
Join the dollar shave club and understand that facial hair is a fashion/grooming choice, not a civic sign of rebellion against the status quo.
No, that shirt isn't "ironic," it's just ugly. You buying "vintage" clothing (usually brand new and made in the same factory as everything else but given the distressed look) doesn't mean you are fighting against the establishment. It means you are buying from American Apparel like everyone else in your group.
Do you only buy previously worn clothes? Only have dishes you found in the dumpster behind an Italian eatery? Good for you for re-purposing items and not buying new - except for that brand new, sweat-factory-produced Macbook/iPhone you're slinging.
Make sure you show that off at the coffee house so everyone can see how you align with the "alternative lifestyle." Not that all Apple users are hipsters, but those who try to emulate paupers except for their electronics usually are.
There are a few reasons you can smell bad: you've just done something active of note (sports, climbed a mountain, run a race), you can't afford personal care items (homeless or destitute), or you just choose to "brand" yourself as natural. In the latter case, you're a hipster.
Nobody wants to smell your musk. If the salt-rock deodorant doesn't work, admit it and buy some Speedstick.
WOW. That picture of a shopping cart is so ironic. Do you sense my irony? You took a picture of an old refrigerator in the middle of the woods? Oh my goodness, that isn't the normal place for a fridge. So edgy.
Face it, nobody cares what foods you are eating unless your niche is as a food blogger or fitness professional. Not everything is art just because you put it online and add a faux 70s-era filter. Sometimes a rock is just a rock.
Unless you have to bike commute to work or you work as a bike messenger, it's just a bike. Yes, I agree, it can be a great way to exercise, a cheap way to get around town, and just overall fun to ride.
But face it, nobody cares about the brand of seat you chose, how many gears you have, or the color of your spokes - except other hipsters.
The Newcomers
You live life so ironically that you ride your bike with no helmet, no hands, and no sense of traffic laws as you careen the wrong way down a one-way street.
You forage for food in the woods or dumpster-dive to prove you are fearless about your health. You refuse to show excitement lest someone higher on the hipster social pyramid laughs at you for caring about something.
Sometimes things can be fun, and there's nothing wrong with showing excitement about life. Health is important. Paychecks are good, and admitting you enjoy those things isn't a crime.
I'm a little short-sighted and wanted a strong and practical pair of glasses. I guess I'm officially a hipster now.