Top 10 Ways to Know You're Drunk

If you've been to college, a party, or generally been old enough to legally drink, you've probably been drunk at least once. You start off by having a beer or wine, maybe a shot of something stronger, then before you know it you are chugging whiskey straight from the bottle and doing body shots off your best friend's partner.

You wake up in an unfamiliar bed, in a strange studio apartment, wearing a lampshade and only one sock, and you have NO IDEA where you are or how you got there. You slip out of bed, careful not to wake up the thing sleeping beside you - you're not brave enough yet to pull back the covers and see what's laying, snoring beneath. All you know is that you got drunk last night and you regret it this morning.

Below are the signs and signals to look for that will tell you if you are too drunk to function safely.
The Top Ten
1 You have to hold onto the ground to avoid falling off the Earth

Everything is spinning, and somehow gravity seems to be pulling you in all the wrong directions. Grab a hold of something solid and hang on for the ride.

Seriously, I can't believe that people pay to feel like this! Crazy.

2 Everywhere looks like a viable place to pee

It's safe to go between those two cars right? Sure, there are people in them at the moment, but the light is still red and I've got to go. Not worth it.

3 You pee and it smells like your last cocktail
4 Everybody at the party/bar looks attractive

Chances are, if you didn't hit on them when you first showed up at the party, you shouldn't try it now that they appear attractive. You're better off going home alone.

This explains why drunk people hit on everyone. Nice description by the way.

5 You're pretty sure your ex wants to hear from you

Go ahead and call or text your ex. Leave that rambling voicemail about how you're ready to try again and that they should call you for a little action tonight. We'll see how you feel in the morning. I'd avoid it.

6 You're sure you can bend the laws of physics

Everything's shape-shifting. Does the second law of thermodynamics apply here?

Dude, we can totally make it from the roof into the pool. So what if it's over the fence in the neighbor's backyard. Three feet is plenty deep for a swan dive.

7 Everyone is really interesting

You may get into a seemingly interesting conversation about the advantages of being a level 19 Paladin, but when that guy calls you the next day to join his guild, you'll regret giving out your real phone number.

8 You had more/different clothes on when you arrived than you do now

Sure, you took off that jacket when you got there, but what happened to your shirt and your left shoe? Didn't you have a belt? And I know you weren't wearing gloves, so where did those come from?

9 You think you could win American Idol

Trust the rest of the bar or party patrons. You wouldn't win. In fact, I'm pretty sure you have to sing in words, on key, and coherently to even be competitive. What you're doing now is none of those things.

10 You're food/drink just won't stay down

You keep putting the liquid in, but it just doesn't want to stay down. Doesn't it know you're on a budget and can't afford to waste? Same with the McDonald's you keep trying to eat. You don't have time for these games. Just stay in there.

The Contenders
11 You just really need to pee
12 You don't think you are
13 You scream and talk really loud and start talking about nonsense and random stuff
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