A Lop-Sided Overview of PositronWildhawk

PetSounds
I'm cool. And if you like my lists, so are you.

What kind of person leaves the same two sentences at the top of his description for over two years? The person could be steady, meaning he doesn't a-change with the times, and neither does his profile. He could be busy and not possess the time to rewrite his bio. Or, he could be the uncreative type who compensates for his block by calling that intro "iconic" and refusing to modify it. As we scroll down PositronWildhawk's page, the last possibility seems more and more likely. "Paste this on your profile if you love music." He might like music. Indeed, he might love it. But he evidently doesn't have the capacity to explain that in his own words. "A Sarcastic Overview of Rap Music," "A Sarcastic Overview of Wasps," and "A Sacrastic Overview of My Life" are three blog titles that spring off the screen to back this up. What kind of fool thinks he can publish the same thing over and over again--while changing a few key words to suit his mood--and expect people to respect his creativity? There are two answers; namely, Ian Fleming and a person who lacks original ideas.

PositronWildhawk used to post "Physics Facts of the Week" on his profile. Ask him why he discontinued that practice, and he'll tell you that college has reduced the number of hours he can devote to enlightening the ignorant populace. Given the evidence above, I'm forced to assume he's lying. In reality, college has buried what little creative ambition he had left under six feet of lab reports. Wait. He's studying physics at one of the UK's top schools. Surely even an idea-lacker would get enough information funneled into him there to produce a weekly fact. Maybe he's lying about that too.

Glancing at the rest of the accused's page doesn't help his case. "I'm cool. And if you like my lists, so are you." Kids, one of the first lessons life will teach you is that those who call themselves cool are decidedly not. Even if the first sentence was true, the second undermines it by making a sweeping generalization about anyone who likes his unoriginal lists. Enough people have viewed them to make the odds of at least one dork not liking at least one list next to nil. And then there is the ridiculous grammatical phallicy of beginning a sentence with a conjunction. If that doesn't convince you, there's the delightful--but damning--contradiction of putting "A-Grade" and "Paid for PhD" ahead of "Laid," yet claiming to be a "Ladies' Man." With capital letters.

The final nail in PositronWildhawk's coffin is his username. It's driven in either by two hammers or the same hammer with two different strokes, depending on your outlook on life (and hammers). First, there's the preposterous claim that his birth name is "Positron Wildhawk"--clearly the work of a madman. Or a fool who can't come up with an original handle (or given name). Or a liar. Then there's the ridiculous story he concocted to explain the abiogenesis of this title. Apparently, some bird (a feathered critter) shat on the head of some poor bird (a girl), sending her into a frenzy of shock, panic, and general disfiguration. Our hero did not soothe her by wiping up the mess with his monogrammed silk handkerchief and cursing the bomber with his silver tongue. Instead, he merely remarked that it was a "wild hawk." Tack on a scientific term out of unadulterated pretension and you've got yourself a username.

His story is easily undermined with a little knowledge of both its teller and music (the latter of which the former would have you believe he's an expert on, despite his garbage "taste"). Would a "cool ladies' man [sic]" overlook the opportunity to cash in on a damsel in distress? I think not. His username is, in fact, a bastardization of two quirky Paul McCartney quotations. The first, "Pause it, Ron!" was famously spoken during the mixing of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, when McCartney kept telling bandmate Ron Lennon to stop playback of the master tape so he could hear a certain passage again. The second is not so much a quotation as an interpretation of the violent expectoration intended for Yoko Ono. (Author's Note: Paul hit a passing sheep instead. Bloody shame.) Through widespread use and lazy typing, Pause_it_Ron-*wild_hawk* became shortened to the pidgin PositronWildhawk. No doubt it will soon be #pHawk2k15.

The above nail--or hammers (or strokes)--so undermines his credibility that we are forced to view his mathematical and scientific "genius" as pretension--a front and an affront to our intelligence. The pulsar? The weekly facts? Both fluffy distractions--probably regurgitated from some primary school textbook--whose purpose is to add credibility to his hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia-inducing dissertations. #pHawk2k15 probably couldn't identify an amoeba if it phagocyted his natural log.

Posing as a physics expert is a dark matter, my former friend. But I believe I've converted the potential energy of your doom to kinetic just in time for your 19th birthday (if it really is). You'll soon wish you'd left with that square root, SuperHyperdude.

If only he could have used his unoriginality and pretensiousness for good…

Comments

Excellent. - visitor

You got me. - PositronWildhawk

Lol - Therandom

Kek - bobbythebrony

*pretentiousness - keycha1n

I finished this at one in the morning, keys! And you know what a state my mind was in that night. It was originally "pretensioussness." - PetSounds

Wow. - ProPanda

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