Top Ten Life Lessons Learned from Television

99% of American households own at least one television with the typical family owning more than 2. The Average American watches more than 4 hours of television each day which means that by the time a person turns 65 they will have watched 9 years worth of programming. In fact, 54% of children aged 4-6 who, when asked to choose between watching T.V. and spending time with their fathers, preferred television. Over half.

We spend 900 hours per year in school as youths yet we watch more than 1500 hours of television in that same year. During those 1500 hours, we see an average of 20,000 commercials while parents spend an average of only 3.5 minutes per week in a meaningful conversation with their kids.

The fact of the matter is that television has become the real teacher in kids' lives and below are some of the things I've learned by watching television shows.
The Top Ten
1 That stereotyping is bad, but they're usually accurate

Not all stereotypes are based on race. However, sometimes you really can judge a book by its cover. In fact, you're usually better off that way, according to TV.

2 That all women are thin, or should be.

TV has taught me that women should be thinner, more attractive, and more sexually aggressive than I expected. Those are the only female role models I'm shown on TV.

3 That good generally triumphs over evil, unless life is being ironic.

On TV, you get told that the good guys usually squeak out a victory in the end. Unless poetic justice and irony make a better story out of the bad guy walking away the victor.

4 That drugs are profitable, as long as you're white and ready for some wacky adventures.

If you're going to dip into the stereotype that is the drug world, you'd better be white so nobody expects it. Make sure you have clean socks and a passport handy for when the wacky adventures begin.

5 That life really was better 50 years ago.

People actually cared about what they did and didn't just mass produce stuff for money only.

It doesn't really matter what time period you're reading this, just know that 50 years ago, things were much cooler than they are now. Better get out the cash so you can buy that vintage... whatever.

6 That savants always want to fight crime.

If you have a unique gift that somehow makes you suitably perfect for hunting criminals, as long as you also have a quirky anti-social demeanor, you'll fit right in.

7 That aliens are among us.

History channel at its best. This credible channel has shown me that aliens are truly a part of humankind's history and that we should all be ready to salute our alien overlords.

8 That prostitution is legal, as long as you barter instead of using cash.

Yup, fork over that year's salary because I've learned that the best, and often only sure way to get lucky in bed, is to bribe a woman for it with a car or jewelry.

9 That life has no real consequences.

You can always find a way to get out of a jam by digging up dirt on some police officer who is just out to get you. As long as you replace one dire situation with a different one and keep repeating that pattern, you can always outrun any punishment.

10 That working professionals don't actually have to work.

I recommend finding a group of similarly employed friends, living in an expensive city, then spending your time not actually at work. Find a coffee house, a bookstore, a dive bar, or diner, and commence spending all your time there. You'll always make ends meet and have fun doing it.

The Contenders
11 If you're successful, the execs will beat your dead carcass until it becomes unprofitable.
12 Where there's zombies, there's boobs.
13 Don't go on a date with two separate people at the same time
14 I learned from the History Channel that Germophobia causes illness

Why else do you think the mother of that bad man got sick? My friend has a nose-picking habit and never gets sick.

15 Not everyone laughs about the same things
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