Literature as told by a TopTenner: And Then There Were None
Nonpointed Obvious parody summary as follows.In Devon, England, eight individuals all receive letters to go to Indian Island, which meant either a job offering or a personal getaway. The characters are Lawrence Wargrave, Vera Claythorne, John Gordon Macarthur, Phillip Lombard, William Henry Blore, Emily Caroline Brent, Anthony James Marston, and Edward George Armstrong. They reach the island, and are greeted by Thomas and Ethel Rogers to the mansion on the island.
Phillip: So who are you guys?
William: I thought this was some kind of job offering.
Vera: I thought it would be a personal getaway.
Thomas: I'm Thomas Rogers, the butler
Ethel: I'm Ethel Rogers, the cook
Lawrence: Who is your master's name. I have this invite from U. N. Owen for this place.
Thomas: It's supposed to be Ulick Norman Owen
Ethel: I thought it was Una Nancy Owen?
Thomas: That's probably his wife.
John: So you don't know.
Thomas: We've never seen the owners in person.
Phillip: Strange.
Edward: We were all told to come here.
*The guests settle in*
Anthony: This place is cool, I wish I could afford something like this. Also there's this weird poem called Ten Little N*****.
William: Are you racist or something? People will hate you more.
Anthony: Well there's a censored version called Ten Little Indians.
William: That's still somewhat racist.
Anthony: There's these cute little figurines in the dining room area too, let's see what they look like at supper time.
William: My name's Davis by the way.
*After supper, a recording plays immediately*
Recording: YOU ARE ALL GUILTY OF KILLING INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE ALL HERE, DO ANY OF YOU WISH TO OFFER A DEFENCE FOR YOUR INCONSIDERATE ACTIONS
Vera: I didn't kill Cyril!
Ethel: Honey?
Thomas: I swear I wasn't responsible for anything.
Emily: I refuse to discuss this matter.
Edward: I may be an alcoholic, but I wasn't responsible for that.
Lawrence: I was simply a judge doing my job.
John: I was simply a general doing my job
William: Dammit! My name was supposed to be Davis! Also I didn't do anything!
Phillip: So your name was William? Not bad. Eh, I don't really care about these things. I know I'll admit to causing the deaths of several tribesman, but what can you do when you are dealing with a third world country? That's basically their lifestyle. Had I had any more involvement things would actually be worse.
Anthony: Guys what are we all even doing. It's a recording, who really cares? Besides, I'm more concerned about my drivers license being revoked rather than two stupid children who shouldn't be on the road anyways.
Vera: You ran over two children while driving recklessly and you feel no remorse?
Anthony: No I just want to drive and drink! *drinks his drink but ingests the cyanide and dies*.
Phillip: Famous last words
Edward: Oh my god he's dead, from cyanide poisoning no less.
John: Yikes:
William: Hey one of the figurines here is gone.
Lawrence: Also he apparently choked himself, like in the nursery rhyme in my room.
Emily: That's in your room too?
Vera: Looks like it's in everyone's rooms.
Phillip: So, no one here knows about the Owens, not even the butler and cook?
Thomas: Sorry
Lawrence: Hmm, these initials, U. N. Owen. I get it now, Unknown
Ethel: That's real dumb. I thought they were real people.
*Next morning*
Thomas: Honey get up...honey? Oh crap. I told you not to take the sleeping pills.
*At lunch*
William: So what's happening.
Thomas: My wife fricking OD'd on sleeping pills.
Emily: Why though?
John: This conversation's already boring, I'm gonna go outside for a bit. *he goes*
Vera: Why do you have a gun?
Phillip: I need it just in case someone decides to really show up as the murderer somehow. Besides, no one here has died of gunshots yet, so you can't rule me out unless I go psychotic.
Lawrence: That makes some sense.
Edward: Well, judge, what should we do.
Lawrence: The killer has to be someone on the island. That's a fact.
Thomas: Also has that General Macarthur guy returned?
Vera: Let's see.
*they all find Macarthur's body, apparently he had been killed from a blow at the back of his skull.*
Phillip: Someone must've hit him in the back. Not a gunshot though.
Vera: You should still get rid of that gun.
Phillip: I'll put it in my safe, no one's gonna open it with my combination.
*Back inside*
Thomas: Why are two of the figurines missing now? There's seven!
Emily: Hey Vera.
Vera: Huh?
Emily: I think I can talk to you. That was my maid of course on the recording. She was not supposed to be pregnant out of wedlock while on the job so I fired her.
Vera: So why did she drown herself?
Emily: How should I know? That's all I know, other than her parents being far worse than I was.
Vera: Hmm, okay.
*they rejoin the guys*
William: What are you two doing?
Vera: Turns out the girl Emily had been convicted of apparently just was driven to suicide.
Phillip: That sucks.
Lawrence: Anyways, let's do a scouting of the island, together. Not one of us should be split up or left alone.
*after awhile*
Phillip: This place is a bare rock.
Emily: There's no real place to hide here.
William: No one else could've arrived or left.
Edward: Which means...the killer is one of us?
Lawrence: Exactly
Thomas: Well Lombard has the gun.
Phillip: It's in my safe and I'm not gonna shoot anyone.
William: Besides, no one here has died of a gunshot yet.
Vera: I hear that in most media forms involving murder mysteries, it's usually the butler who's at fault.
Thomas: HEY!
Lawrence: That's usually not wrong.
Thomas: No screw you guys!
*Next morning*
Phillip: Hey uh, oh. *they all find Thomas's body with his head split by his own axe, then go inside*.
Phillip: Guys, it's not Rogers.
William: Figured as much, hey look another of the figurines is missing.
Vera: Let's just eat breakfast first, I'm hungry.
Edward: Sounds reasonable.
Emily: I feel sick.
*They all have breakfast, but Emily stays behind, complaining about her not feeling well. Later on, her dead body is found*
William: Is it of old age? She said she was feeling sick.
Edward: Unlikely, that's a hypodermic needle on the counter. Usually you don't stab yourself with it either, that would be stupid.
Lawrence: Also she clearly stated that committing suicide is an even worse sin.
Phillip: I've got my own suspicions.
Lawrence: Let's search everyone's rooms and lock up every single one of those dangerous items that can kill people.
Vera: There shouldn't be anything in my room. I'm a good girl. I'll just take a bath.
Phillip: Hey WHY IS MY GUN GONE?
Vera: AH WHY IS THERE SEAWEED ALL OVER THE CEILING.
*Everyone except Lawrence rushes to Vera. A gunshot is heard downstairs*
Vera: Oh wait guys I'm fine.
Phillip: I heard a gunshot. Someone TOOK MY GUN!
William: Where is the judge? Uh oh.
*they rush downstairs and find Lawrence with a blood would in the head, as well as some crude judge outfit on*
Phillip: That's just even more disturbing than the fact he was shot in the head.
Edward: Let me do this. Hmm, shot in the head, yep.
Phillip: But who took my gun?
Vera: There's only four of these figurines now.
William: Crap.
*That night*
William: Hey, HEY! *he spots someone and runs after him, but because he's slow and fat he loses him quickly*
William: Damn, hmm? *he notices that Edward isn't in his room, then goes to Phillip and Vera*.
Phillip:...so then I found out that my gun is now back in my room. Who would know the combination to the safe, open it and shoot the judge, then bring it back to the safe?
William: *as he walks in* I think I got an answer to that. Dr. Armstrong ain't in his room.
Vera: So it was him!
Phillip: Come to think of it, he reached Vera last.
Vera: What's that supposed to mean?
Phillip: Ah forget it.
William: We should all stick together and watch our backs.
*Next morning*
Phillip: We need to get the mainland to see this, as soon as possible.
William: You got a mirror? Pretty sure you can't signal people far away without one.
*the three set up an SOS but nothing's working*
William: GAHHH! This is hopeless! *he wanders off without the other two noticing right away, and then a bear-shaped clock from Vera's room is pushed onto him, breaking his skull*.
Phillip: NO!
Vera: Okay, now we know doc's doing this, and from my room no less.
Phillip: I wouldn't bet on that *he gestures to the sea where Edward's drowned body apparently washed up*.
Vera: Huh?
Phillip: I think you set all this up.
Vera: What do you mean? I was outside when that stupid bear-shaped clock fell on William, you rushed to my aid when I screamed and I haven't had anything to kill anyone with? Besides, don't YOU have the gun?
Phillip: I never shot anyone on this island! Someone else shot the judge with it, and the doc was clearly still alive with us when it happened.
Vera: I think it was YOU who set this all up.
Phillip: That wasn't even grammatically similar to what I had said to you...wait why do you have my gun? GIVE ME MY GU-
*Vera shoots Lombard in the heart*
Vera: Help me, I'm hallucinating, I did not kill Cyril, he drowned himself, I swear!
Vera: WHY IS THERE ONLY ONE FIGURINE NOW *she goes to her room*
Vera: *sees a noose in her room* I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE *she hangs herself*
*Two Scotland Yard officers try to solve the mystery.*
Maine: Who is this U. N. Owen person?
Legge: That's one I cannot figure out. None of the victims could have used it unless it was a pseudonym.
Maine: If that's true, then Owen is one of the victims.
Legge: Okay we can conclude several of these deaths, up to the last four though, I'm confused.
Legge: Also according to this record, apparently the chair that Vera kicked away has been set back up again.
Maine: Who could the real killer be?
Legge: This doesn't make any sense to me!
Postscript:
Lawrence: I masterminded the whole thing, and am fascinated by the idea of a "perfect crime". I also killed this Jewish guy first, but before that I told him to tell Phillip to bring the gun to the island for self-defense. I also knew already that Edward Seton was guilty so screw everyone who thought it was a conviction. As for the doctor Edward, I convinced him to fake my death so I can continue to find the killer, only surprise! It was me all along. I had basically killed everyone except the last two, and also replaced the chair in Vera's room for more confusion and also decided to use some strange elastic involving Phillip's gun to actually kill myself with a headshot so that it still would be genuine. I would rather not die of illness.
The end.