Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

Achilles

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The Top Ten

1I don';t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor';s dog.

I can just imagine Dwight running up to the Dead Dog and backing away awkwardly. Hilarious!

laughed for 5 minutes straight! It was the most hilarious thing I have ever heard from the office. My dad and I laugh about it all the time.

I died of laughter when I heard this and use it just to kill akwardness well, that and when we talk about twilight. Love it!

 More comments about I don';t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor';s dog.

2I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
Awesome, and so glad I have never run into the other 20%!
This one made me cry the first time I heard it... funniest thing ever!
This is by far my favorite quote! I was also crying first time I heard it.
 More comments about I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

3Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

I mean, its kinda true... Laugh out loud. I think that's what makes it so funny. I don't even watch the show and this is funny.

4I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.
Lendary. I want a book written by Dwight about his way of living in a farm.
Or his family's history.
Whith all the quotes, we could, though.
One of Dwight's best lines ever. He needs his own show... Life on Dwight's beet farm would be hilarious... And terrifying.
Hahaha. I love the ridiculousness. Awesome pick-me-up.
 More comments about I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

5If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

6Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.
In my opinion the best quote of all time on the Office. I just wish the UK version was as funny as the American version
Truth! Haha I myself am a woman and I definitely agree!

7And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.

Watching the reruns right now and this one cracked me up and made me look for Dwight quotes... So since it brought me to this site I figured I gotta go with it.

Simply hilarious.. Dwight is by ffaar my favorite character from the office.. Michael is pretty great also.

8Michael is like Mozart, and I'm like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you're gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

You kidding me? The seriousness in Dwight's face as he spouts out this line.. I can't stop laughing!

In my opinion, the most quotable thing he's ever said on the show. My friends and I recite this exact quote all the time.

Funniest thing he's ever said

9I never smile if I can help it.... Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life

Best quote from the office of all time. The perfect demonstration of Dwight Schrute's character.

I couldn't stop laughing when he said this. really shows you how his mind works!

10I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.
just his tone of voice makes it hilarious, I laugh like every single time I hear it lmao
I love this entire scene...
Camraman: smile
Dwight: no
Its such a classic dwight moment and probably one of his best quotes ever

The Contenders

11You're PMS'ing pretty bad huh?

This one is hilarious because of the situation he said it in; Pam was crying and that's how he handled the situation.

Dwight is just going along and you're thinking, "wow he is being really empathetic here", and then he says that... Laugh out loud!

12I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

13In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.

Every time I hear this one it makes me want to throw up from laughing so hard!

14There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.

15When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me...

This quote is so ridiculous it is probably the bet quote I have ever heard in any T.V. show. Oh god I love the office

He says "resorbed, " actually, and when he does, he handles the collapsible toy PERFECTLY... Makes it super creepy!

16I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I'd be good at picking the person.

I think it's misquoted. He says it a little differently. But it's still awesome. I quote this sömetimes.

17I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99 sure!

Even with the most ridiculous ideas, Jim always gets the better of Dwight!

I've watched this episode, dwight is so funny!

18Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don't believe everything that people on television tell you.

19I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

20Hey! Who put my stapler in jello again?

21There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying...

22Who thought of this one: Anal fissures?

23You're in the ceiling!

Andy - after Pam and Jim hid his cell phone in the ceiling.

24Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I would not do that thing.

If everyone was a little more like Dwight, the world would be a better place. Let us all consider this quote before ever doing anything.

Such wisdom should be on public display. At least 1 posted every square mile in Minnesota.

25Merideth, mens room. Be sure to replace the urinal cakes, they're getting worn down

26I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted

27There are too many people in this world. We need a new plague.

28We all have a hero in our heart.

29It's me! I'm a bobble head!

30"R" is the most menacing sound in the English language. That's why it's called "murder" and not "muckduck."

This made me bust out laughing. I kept rewinding it to hear it over and over again. I'm laughing right now just READING it, haha.

31Today, smoking is going to save lives.

32...and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.

33Number one: Inverted Penis.

34It has to be real, and HAS to be urine!

35They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over.

36She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
THIS IS MY ALL TIME FAVORITE T.V. qUOTE, PERIOD

37Those who can't farm, farm celery.

38The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.

39Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.

40I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses.

41A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.
By far my favorite. Should be number 1.

42You drive, my car's full of fox-meat.

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      This list was created 5 years, 325 days ago and has been voted on over 2,000 times.

      Updated Tuesday, June 18, 2013

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