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1I don';t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor';s dog.
2I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
3Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
4I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.
5If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
6Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.
7And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.
8Michael is like Mozart, and I'm like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you're gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
9I never smile if I can help it.... Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life
10I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.
11You're PMS'ing pretty bad huh?
12I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
13In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.
14When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me...
15There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.
16I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I'd be good at picking the person.
17Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don't believe everything that people on television tell you.
18I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99 sure!
19I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
20Hey! Who put my stapler in jello again?
21There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying...
22Who thought of this one: Anal fissures?
23Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I would not do that thing.
24There are too many people in this world. We need a new plague.
25Merideth, mens room. Be sure to replace the urinal cakes, they're getting worn down
27I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted
28"R" is the most menacing sound in the English language. That's why it's called "murder" and not "muckduck."
29It's me! I'm a bobble head!
30We all have a hero in our heart.
31...and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.
32Today, smoking is going to save lives.
33Number one: Inverted Penis.
34She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
35It has to be real, and HAS to be urine!
36They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over.
37Those who can't farm, farm celery.
38The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.
39You drive, my car's full of fox-meat.
40What's a Justice Beaver?
41Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.
42I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses.
43A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.
44As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what's unethical.
45 I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises.
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