Best Dwight Schrute Quotes


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The Top Ten

I don';t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor';s dog.
I can just imagine Dwight running up to the Dead Dog and backing away awkwardly. Hilarious!
Laughed for 5 minutes straight! It was the most hilarious thing I have ever heard from the office. My dad and I laugh about it all the time.
I can just imagine him with a hunting rifle aiming out his living room window.
[Newest]This provides a pleasing visual; too funny...

2I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
This one made me cry the first time I heard it... funniest thing ever!
Awesome, and so glad I have never run into the other 20%!
This is by far my favorite quote! I was also crying first time I heard it.

3Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
I mean, its kinda true... Laugh out loud. I think that's what makes it so funny. I don't even watch the show and this is funny.

4I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.
One of Dwight's best lines ever. He needs his own show... Life on Dwight's beet farm would be hilarious... And terrifying.
Hahaha. I love the ridiculousness. Awesome pick-me-up.
I laughed so hard at this I spilled coffee all over my couch!

5If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

6Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.
In my opinion the best quote of all time on the Office. I just wish the UK version was as funny as the American version
Truth! Haha I myself am a woman and I definitely agree!

7And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.
Watching the reruns right now and this one cracked me up and made me look for Dwight quotes... So since it brought me to this site I figured I gotta go with it.
Simply hilarious.. Dwight is by ffaar my favorite character from the office.. Michael is pretty great also.
One does not simply walk into Mordor.

8Michael is like Mozart, and I'm like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you're gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
In my opinion, the most quotable thing he's ever said on the show. My friends and I recite this exact quote all the time.
You kidding me? The seriousness in Dwight's face as he spouts out this line.. I can't stop laughing!
Funniest thing he's ever said

9I never smile if I can help it.... Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life
Best quote from the office of all time. The perfect demonstration of Dwight Schrute's character.
I couldn't stop laughing when he said this. really shows you how his mind works!
That guy is so Scientifically nerdy! Good conversation starter though

10I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.
Just his tone of voice makes it hilarious, I laugh like every single time I hear it lmao
I love this entire scene...
Camraman: smile
Dwight: no
Its such a classic dwight moment and probably one of his best quotes ever

The Contenders

11You're PMS'ing pretty bad huh?
This one is hilarious because of the situation he said it in; Pam was crying and that's how he handled the situation.
Dwight is just going along and you're thinking, "wow he is being really empathetic here", and then he says that... Laugh out loud!

12I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

13In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.
Every time I hear this one it makes me want to throw up from laughing so hard!

14When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me...
This quote is so ridiculous it is probably the bet quote I have ever heard in any T.V. show. Oh god I love the office

15There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.

16I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I'd be good at picking the person.
I think it's misquoted. He says it a little differently. But it's still awesome. I quote this sömetimes.

17Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don't believe everything that people on television tell you.

18I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99 sure!
I've watched this episode, dwight is so funny!
Even with the most ridiculous ideas, Jim always gets the better of Dwight!

19Hey! Who put my stapler in jello again?

20I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

21Who thought of this one: Anal fissures?

22There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying...

23There are too many people in this world. We need a new plague.
Honestly Dwight's funniest quote of all time. I laugh every time I read this one

24Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I would not do that thing.
Such wisdom should be on public display. At least 1 posted every square mile in Minnesota.

25Merideth, mens room. Be sure to replace the urinal cakes, they're getting worn down

26You're in the ceiling!
Andy - after Pam and Jim hid his cell phone in the ceiling.

27I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted
"Never mind. He'd probably end up being a hero anyway. " Lmao! One of my favorite episodes. Cheese pita.

28"R" is the most menacing sound in the English language. That's why it's called "murder" and not "muckduck."
This made me bust out laughing. I kept rewinding it to hear it over and over again. I'm laughing right now just READING it, haha.
I've seen them all but wanted to look up the werewolf quote as just seen that episode again. I laughed out loud reading this quote as its still so funny

29It's me! I'm a bobble head!
It's me! I'm the bobble head!

30We all have a hero in our heart.

31...and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.

32Today, smoking is going to save lives.

33Number one: Inverted Penis.

34They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over.

35Those who can't farm, farm celery.

36She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.

37It has to be real, and HAS to be urine!

38The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.

39 I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises.

40A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.
By far my favorite. Should be number 1.

41You drive, my car's full of fox-meat.

42As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what's unethical.

43What's a Justice Beaver?

44Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.

45I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses.

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This list was created 7 years, 267 days ago and has been voted on over 2,000 times.

Updated Tuesday, April 21, 2015

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