Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

Achilles

The Top Ten

1 I don';t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor';s dog.

I can just imagine Dwight running up to the Dead Dog and backing away awkwardly. Hilarious!

Laughed for 5 minutes straight! It was the most hilarious thing I have ever heard from the office. My dad and I laugh about it all the time.

I can just imagine him with a hunting rifle aiming out his living room window.

This provides a pleasing visual; too funny...

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2 I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

This one made me cry the first time I heard it... funniest thing ever!

Awesome, and so glad I have never run into the other 20%!

This is by far my favorite quote! I was also crying first time I heard it.

... I'm a snake in the 20%

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3 Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

I mean, its kinda true... Laugh out loud. I think that's what makes it so funny. I don't even watch the show and this is funny.

The funny thing about it is that you're not even supposed to tip your urologist. It's the one thing on that list that you're not supposed to tip.

4 I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

One of Dwight's best lines ever. He needs his own show... Life on Dwight's beet farm would be hilarious... And terrifying.

I laughed so hard at this I spilled coffee all over my couch!

Haha. I love the ridiculousness. Awesome pick-me-up.

Lendary. I want a book written by Dwight about his way of living in a farm.
Or his family's history.
Whith all the quotes, we could, though.

5 If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
6 Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.

In my opinion the best quote of all time on the Office. I just wish the UK version was as funny as the American version

Truth! Haha I myself am a woman and I definitely agree!

7 I never smile if I can help it.... Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life

Best quote from the office of all time. The perfect demonstration of Dwight Schrute's character.

I couldn't stop laughing when he said this. really shows you how his mind works!

That guy is so Scientifically nerdy! Good conversation starter though

Lol

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8 And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.

Watching the reruns right now and this one cracked me up and made me look for Dwight quotes... So since it brought me to this site I figured I gotta go with it.

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Simply hilarious.. Dwight is by ffaar my favorite character from the office.. Michael is pretty great also.

9 Michael is like Mozart, and I'm like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you're gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

In my opinion, the most quotable thing he's ever said on the show. My friends and I recite this exact quote all the time.

You kidding me? The seriousness in Dwight's face as he spouts out this line.. I can't stop laughing!

Funniest thing he's ever said

10 I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.

Just his tone of voice makes it hilarious, I laugh like every single time I hear it lmao

I love this entire scene...
Camraman: smile
Dwight: no
Its such a classic dwight moment and probably one of his best quotes ever

The Contenders

11 You're PMS'ing pretty bad huh?

This one is hilarious because of the situation he said it in; Pam was crying and that's how he handled the situation.

Dwight is just going along and you're thinking, "wow he is being really empathetic here", and then he says that... Laugh out loud!

12 I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

hot

rly good

13 When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me...

This quote is so ridiculous it is probably the bet quote I have ever heard in any T.V. show. Oh god I love the office

Hilarious! Exactly the type of thing Dwight would do

I think he said 'resorbed'

14 In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.

Every time I hear this one it makes me want to throw up from laughing so hard!

15 There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.
16 I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I'd be good at picking the person.

I think it's misquoted. He says it a little differently. But it's still awesome. I quote this sömetimes.

17 Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don't believe everything that people on television tell you.
18 I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
19 I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99 sure!

Even with the most ridiculous ideas, Jim always gets the better of Dwight!

I've watched this episode, dwight is so funny!

20 Hey! Who put my stapler in jello again?

I believe it's "Damn, Jim! He put my stuff in jello again! "

21 There are too many people in this world. We need a new plague.

Honestly Dwight's funniest quote of all time. I laugh every time I read this one

One of the funniest quotes

22 There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying...
23 Who thought of this one: Anal fissures?
24 Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I would not do that thing.

Such wisdom should be on public display. At least 1 posted every square mile in Minnesota.

Epic, indeed

25 Merideth, mens room. Be sure to replace the urinal cakes, they're getting worn down
26 You're in the ceiling!

Andy - after Pam and Jim hid his cell phone in the ceiling.

27 I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted

"Never mind. He'd probably end up being a hero anyway. " Lmao! One of my favorite episodes. Cheese pita.

28 "R" is the most menacing sound in the English language. That's why it's called "murder" and not "muckduck."

This made me bust out laughing. I kept rewinding it to hear it over and over again. I'm laughing right now just READING it, haha.

I've seen them all but wanted to look up the werewolf quote as just seen that episode again. I laughed out loud reading this quote as its still so funny

29 ...and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.
30 It's me! I'm a bobble head!

It's me! I'm the bobble head!

31 We all have a hero in our heart.
32 Today, smoking is going to save lives.

gucci gang

33 They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over.
34 Those who can't farm, farm celery.
35 You drive, my car's full of fox-meat.

Come on.. this deserves to be in top 10

36 I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises.
37 Number one: Inverted Penis.

It was inverted vagina lololol

38 The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.
39 She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.

THIS IS MY ALL TIME FAVORITE T.V. qUOTE, PERIOD

40 A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.

By far my favorite. Should be number 1.

41 What's a Justice Beaver?

That line KILLS me every time!

42 It has to be real, and HAS to be urine!
43 I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses.
44 As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what's unethical.

"Speaking to Meredith" - Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.

45 Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
46 Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.
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