Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

The Top Ten
1 I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Laughed for 5 minutes straight! It was the most hilarious thing I have ever heard from the office. My dad and I laugh about it all the time.

I can just imagine Dwight running up to the Dead Dog and backing away awkwardly. Hilarious!

I died of laughter when I heard this and use it just to kill akwardness well, that and when we talk about twilight. Love it!

Be careful Edward Cullen and Jacob Black! Dwight Schrute, the monster slayer is on town.

2 I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

This is by far my favorite quote! I was also crying first time I heard it.

This one made me cry the first time I heard it... funniest thing ever!

Awesome, and so glad I have never run into the other 20%!

This is the funniest quote ever

3 Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

The funny thing about it is that you're not even supposed to tip your urologist. It's the one thing on that list that you're not supposed to tip.

I mean, its kinda true... Laugh out loud. I think that's what makes it so funny. I don't even watch the show and this is funny.

4 I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

One of Dwight's best lines ever. He needs his own show... Life on Dwight's beet farm would be hilarious... And terrifying.

Lendary. I want a book written by Dwight about his way of living in a farm.
Or his family's history.
Whith all the quotes, we could, though.

I laughed so hard at this I spilled coffee all over my couch!

Haha. I love the ridiculousness. Awesome pick-me-up.

5 If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
6 Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.

In my opinion the best quote of all time on the Office. I just wish the UK version was as funny as the American version

Truth! Haha I myself am a woman and I definitely agree!

7 I never smile if I can help it.... Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life

Best quote from the office of all time. The perfect demonstration of Dwight Schrute's character.

That guy is so Scientifically nerdy! Good conversation starter though

He said this just before he was having his picture taken.

I couldn't stop laughing when he said this. really shows you how his mind works!

8 And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.

Watching the reruns right now and this one cracked me up and made me look for Dwight quotes... So since it brought me to this site I figured I gotta go with it.

Simply hilarious.. Dwight is by ffaar my favorite character from the office.. Michael is pretty great also.

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

9 Michael is like Mozart, and I'm like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you're gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

In my opinion, the most quotable thing he's ever said on the show. My friends and I recite this exact quote all the time.

You kidding me? The seriousness in Dwight's face as he spouts out this line.. I can't stop laughing!

Funniest thing he's ever said

10 I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.

I love this entire scene...
Camraman: smile
Dwight: no
Its such a classic dwight moment and probably one of his best quotes ever

Just his tone of voice makes it hilarious, I laugh like every single time I hear it lmao

The Contenders
11 You're PMS'ing pretty bad huh?

Dwight is just going along and you're thinking, "wow he is being really empathetic here", and then he says that... Laugh out loud!

This one is hilarious because of the situation he said it in; Pam was crying and that's how he handled the situation.

12 I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
13 When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me...

This quote is so ridiculous it is probably the bet quote I have ever heard in any T.V. show. Oh god I love the office

Hilarious! Exactly the type of thing Dwight would do

I think he said 'resorbed'

14 In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.

Every time I hear this one it makes me want to throw up from laughing so hard!

15 There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.
16 I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I'd be good at picking the person.

I think it's misquoted. He says it a little differently. But it's still awesome. I quote this sömetimes.

17 Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don't believe everything that people on television tell you.
18 I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
19 I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99 sure!

Even with the most ridiculous ideas, Jim always gets the better of Dwight!

I've watched this episode, dwight is so funny!

20 Hey! Who put my stapler in jello again?

I believe it's "Damn, Jim! He put my stuff in jello again! "

21 There are too many people in this world. We need a new plague.

Honestly Dwight's funniest quote of all time. I laugh every time I read this one

One of the funniest quotes

22 There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying...
23 Who thought of this one: Anal fissures?
24 Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I would not do that thing.

Such wisdom should be on public display. At least 1 posted every square mile in Minnesota.

25 Merideth, mens room. Be sure to replace the urinal cakes, they're getting worn down
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