Top 10 Things Not All British People Actually Do

This is mostly America's fault. We English love you Americans to pieces, but you've gotta get it right.

Oh, by the way, you're definitely right about us saying bloody and bloody hell, but it's a swear word.

1. Have posh accents

   Well, this is true. I am very well spoken, but only because my mother said I wouldn't get anywhere in life if I spoke like my father, who has a rough North London accent. My background definitely isn't posh, but a lot of people think it is, based purely on the way I speak.

   I know, right? I would say I don't really have an accent, but I know a guy who has a thick Middleton accent, and The Beatles are Scousers. I would like a Cockney accent, like Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer from Cats.

   Only London and a very, very small part of it. Most of us speak rough and chavvy.

2. Dislike golf

   Actually, I never did think British people liked golf that much. I always figured that was why the British Open is always held in Scotland.

3. Be wealthy

   Where did us being rich even come from? Comes from history. Kings, queens, whatever. Queen Victoria, mostly.

   Where did us being rich even come from?

4. Drink tea

   Not a lot of people drink tea at all. Personally, I'm addicted to tea, but most people are surprised I drink tea because it's not very common.

   I hate tea but I love coffee. I drink coffee every morning with my breakfast cereal.

5. Have large teeth

   Oh, I know. Me and other pupil voice representatives from school went all the way from Southampton to London to visit the Houses of Parliament. I saw some pictures with politicians who had massive teeth. They're probably just playing around with that stereotype.

   I've never met anyone with massive teeth to the scale of British stereotypes in American films. (sigh)

   What made foreigners even say this?

6. Eat cucumber sandwiches

   If you went up to an English person and said, Would you like a cucumber sandwich? they would laugh in your face because it's weird.

   At school, for the queen's birthday, we had to eat cucumber sandwiches, and I said I hated it out loud. I was told that I was ungrateful.

7. Be charming (men)

   A number of people I know are nerds, and they can find it hard to get girlfriends because of this. However, if they meet an immigrant, she immediately falls for the accent.

8. Drive Mini Coopers with British flags on the roof

   My family has always preferred Volkswagen and Volvo cars.

   Nobody drives Mini Coopers anymore, except for a really small percent.

   We don't even do that! Where are you in England?

9. Wear knitted woolly jumpers

   Whenever I watch an American show, if an English man is on it, they all wear woolly jumpers.

10. Be fitness enthusiasts with Cockney accents

    Barely anybody has Cockney accents anymore, to my knowledge anyway.

The Newcomers
11. ?

    Avoid talking to strangers

12. ?

    Talk to dogs

The Contenders

13. Be movie villains

    What is with people with British accents being cast as villains?

14. Smoke pipes

    I hate smokers. It is kind of committing suicide, as it takes off 11 minutes off your life.

15. Eat crumpets

16. Live in London

17. Agree with Brexit

18. Eat fish and chips

19. Dislike France

20. Be proud of the Empire

21. Eat jellied eels

22. Eat pie and mash

23. Discuss the weather

24. Have Cockney accents

25. Have Londoner accents