A Sarcastic Overview of Birdemic: Shock and Terror

PositronWildhawk
Welcome, film lovers, to the ultimate thriller. If you’ve come here, you may regard The Room, Twilight, The Last Airbender and The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies to be timeless classics. I don’t blame you; they all have a place in my heart, and I’ve seen five movies, which nicely brings us to the most obscure and the most incredibly forced film of all time: Birdemic: Shock and Terror. The film which, despite all of the effort I can muster, I can never put down.
The critically acclaimed Vietnamese director and t***, James Nyugen, has clearly committed so much for his masterpiece. The name is first to throw me. This man is mainly known for, erm, this, and it is this alone which brings you to the edge of your seat. Just as Anaconda is Minaj’s signature song and body part, this is Nyugen’s crown jewel. For four years of grinding, in which the careerless lead actress would bend her life completely by taking the role of make-up artist after the make-up team quit after two weeks, Nyugen would add various names of fictional characters which don’t appear in the film for professionalism and elusive hints to the plot twisted back story, and later promoted it by putting banners, fake blood and birds on his van until it caught the attention of a film company, which then spread word of his tireless efforts. Even Spielberg can’t literally bring fictional characters to life and give them roles in film making, and this wasn’t the only logic which this man was going to defy. I was already dumbstruck before I’d even started the movie, and I was confident that I would be in for further fascination.
We enter this film at an unexpected perspective: the camera from inside a car inclined at forty degrees to the horizontal. We begin to follow the astonishingly unexciting back story of the hero, Rod, whose alter ego may be Inbredponce, who begins dating an air-headed underwear model, and continues to do so long after Inbredponce becomes an unexpected millionaire after only a week of his new job, continues to buy her tramp-affordable dinner and presents,finds out that each other’s best friends are dating, tries to help his air-headed girlfriend to take on a very common real estate career along with her mother’s tireless sitting on her backside, and they find a collapsed bird stuck to one point on the screen of the camera. At this point, I am driven to breaking point by the drama of this solid-as-lead acting and unraveling. Never before have I looked at my Diet Coke for so long it turns to blood. Maybe this film is making me think about the psychopathy that we all have, or maybe about what boredom does to enhance it. I decide to go for a whiz; I climb each stair gradually, not to shake myself too much, and find, to my shock, that the bathroom is in use. The tension of waiting is killing me, pulling at and warping my conscience like wood in a freezer. Why is it taking so long, was someone murdered?... Is the toilet blocked?... Fortunately, neither, and I was able to complete the procedure. This horrifying side tale may not have been as gripping as the jaw-dropping kafuffle of the two lead actors tapping each other lightly in a conservative attempt to knock one of them up (I’m still not quite sure which one), but it helped me reflect on how much this film identifies with real life situations, and how dramatic these scenes of passive acknowledgement that one is sleeping with the other can truly be. The first forty-five minutes of the film had been a stupendous rom-com with low-key rom and zero-key com, an unpredictable feat of any acclaimed thriller, and now, the viewers around me awakened from their deep coma, as the invasion of the birds was coming.
Suddenly, a fair few vultures, eagles, and various other birds that are not native to California appear out of nowhere and happen to attack the petrol station next to a cheap hotel where the couple are staying, and made a vicious job of it by flying in circles while making one squawking noise from a soundboard, hanging at a fixed point relative to the camera in the foreground while people were running in circles in the background and screaming, and combusting the moment they made contact with anything built by humans. Maybe they were angered by the interruption of their primitive mating rituals? I’m not so sure. Not even sure who interrupted whose primitive mating rituals. Luckily, Inbredponce’s friend just happened to have his selection of shotguns in his van (God Bless America), and they proved their perfect aiming by shooting those birds right out of the sky without even pointing the gun directly at them. This film must have been filmed from very far away, since the gunshot was heard a full three seconds after it was seen,and not to mention the clever effect of how the bird’s momentum after the shot was initially in the opposite direction to the bullet, before it spiralled out of control and exploded on the ground in a pool of black fire. I really had no idea birds could create momentum from nothing, nor did I know they were highly explosive. The conspiracy that 9/11 was done by a bird makes perfect sense now. Physicists will have to redefine the elementary laws of motion, while biochemists will have to conduct more research into what makes birds combust. The whole new science which Nyugen has exploited in this movie has changed the parameters which even primary school science is built on; I simply cannot compare with this genius, or the genius of the birds, for that matter. Somehow, by attacking one gas station, they had drained the supply of fossil fuels to the point of it becoming too expensive for the hero team to refuel, without either of these events being brought to the attention of the news. This is something that would take cunning planning and superior logic to achieve. We don’t have to imagine living at the mercy of a more intelligent species or culture when we see this film, full of both superintelligent birds and severely idiotic humans. Think about that next time you’re being bossed around by a nerd.
So we don’t know what’s making these birds attack people, but along the team’s random trip to nowhere, various rando-weirdos have their conspiracy theories. One is this crazy old man who interrupts Inbredponce’s friend having a s*** to say that it’s global warming, while another is that “humans are attacking nature”, which would explain why birds are causing a black forest fire, or smoke, right behind this theorist. As they continue on this journey, they help various citizens by aiming their guns randomly and somehow managing to only shoot birds and not damage a single thing. They claim that birds which remain in one spot in the camera shot while others run around screaming are hard to hit, and while you do run around screaming, you do, indeed, make it hard. Much like how a single bullet can overturn a pickup truck, the physics make perfect sense.
In the end, the group make it to a beach, where the birds have still been following them, only to be scared away by a swarm of equally camera-static birds, and so, the film ends where the birds are seen hovering in one spot above the sea. The birds are moving away for good. How profound. Not to mention the prospect of some birds still terrorising the country. The news would cover this, surely, but there was no report on and bird attacks at all. Probably. But the film ended here, with a dramatic and wholehearted scene which went on and on and on and on and on and on, and on and on and on and on and on, and on and on and on and on and on, so surely all was presumably well.
What have I learned from this film? I’ve learned that the laws of physics and critical thinking which I have studied throughout my life are ignorant of what can truly happen. I’ve learned that we are a species of absolute morons, especially when compared to birds, and with James Nyugen and his crew of deep thinkers who can really express their hypothetical and profound links between mass homicides and global warming through stale drama. But most importantly, I’ve learned that a film doesn’t need complications and realism to prove a point, and this exemplifies these traits. Naturally, given the sheer awe that I’ve been in about what a person of distinctive intelligence in our assumed superior species is capable of, I can’t wait to see its sequel, or maybe watch it again. I know it's worth seeing for the first time.

Comments

Go on, click the link. I dare you. - PositronWildhawk

It's blocked in my country. I am safe. - PetSounds

I watched it...


Why did you do this to me? How dare you! - Mumbizz01

Hey, you were the one who clicked it. - PositronWildhawk

(Watches Jontron review instead of actual movie)
Close enough.
To be honest though I did try to watch the movie but I gave up after ten minutes. SO BORING. - Puga

Awesome post :D - EvilAngel

Does the movie have any killing in it? - bobbythebrony

Well, birds by humans, and vice versa, but not each other. - PositronWildhawk

I'd take awful CGI over baffling scientific inaccuracies any day. Although this movie is truly awful. - SwagFlicks

This movie is so boring. I felt like I've watched it a billion times although I know I would never do that. - AlphaQ

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