A Sarcastic Overview of Illuminati

PositronWildhawk
We live in a world full of crises. War, crime, disease, pop culture. Humanity contrasts those who can maintain control with the majority that are slowly making our world chaotic and uncivilised. Next thing we know, America's first female president will be Miley Cyrus, and her first act as glorious ruler of humanity will be to blow up the Sun. We need to infiltrate everyone and everything we know in order to stop this society from collapsing, and simply through the intuition of conspiracy theorists, we are already there.
Look around you. We've hidden clues everywhere to prove that we are in a position to see everything about everyone. If you indulge into the underlying links, you simply can't get away from us. TheTopTens, for instance, rhymes with German Hens. Germany became a republic between the two World Wars. Hens have wings that they rarely use. Hens are politically right-wing, as they only thrive together when they have dominance, and as they have no monarch, they are essentially a republic. Germany entered both World Wars for their right-wing views. This comparison has been made on TheTopTens, and internet idiots have the potential to rip me off and make a list of reasons why the Axis are better than hens, or vice versa. TheTopTens is Illuminati Confirmed, and once that specific list is published, we shall be in control. Don't deny that these proofs make sense, for they've already convinced the media, full of lunatics who'll believe anything and internet saps with nothing to do with their lives, that fire shall promptly begin raining from the sky and the ground shall give way beneath all the world authorities at once.
So what? Well, this obviously means that everything conceivable, everything in the universe, is Illuminati. We were set up on this insignificant Earth only a few centuries back, and now everything is logically under our sphere of influence, from the Big Bang to the North Korean empire. If you think that's non-intuitive, you are ill-educated, and should be penalised under our one-sided education system, or perhaps hanged if you absolutely refuse to follow. Amongst our followers, a.k.a. the world, legal execution is a controversial notion, so we would advise the ill-educated of you to take the following authentic Illuminati training tutorial.
The world was assembled out of the blood and semen of cosmic leprechauns 29 years ago by the pioneers of Illuminati: God, Batman, Anne Frank and Janus the Philosopher of NGC 3137. Over 5 years, the four grew to annoy each other by means of chewing loudly and singing in the shower, and eventually fell out. So the world and the universe was separated into four: God controlled the things that did not exist, as there was no proof that He existed; Batman led the empire of Lego and Liverpudlian prostitutes to victory over the quails, but perished along with his forces when confronted with Joy Division, the start of a New Order; Anne Frank, an apparent Belieber, wrote the first element of Illuminati literature, which inspired later works such as the Bible and Titanic: The Legend Goes On, only for them to be destroyed by right-wing flightless birds; and Janus manufactured the Welsh language, the electric guitar, genitals and pornography from piles of horse s***. Together, in seven days, they wrote their frustrations down on triangular parchment, which, when tessellated, makes the net for a tetrahedron. The world they had created from 2-dimensional cosmic leprechauns was 3-dimensional, and they would need this to contain the sacred eye which had been recovered from Batman's bare-fist battle with Ian Curtis. Thus, the Illuminati were constructed as an order from chaos, which to this day, is the only violation of the Second law of Thermodynamics. This is hardcore proof that the Illuminati are above science, above laws, above all, and disregarding this tutorial and the firm beliefs within it means you shall suffer the consequences.
To summarise, whatever you've been smoking: opium, aluminium, air; you have unquestionable reason to believe that we are everywhere, watching and judging your every move, and you're bound to suffer if you do not do as we instruct. With that being said, our goal is to protect humanity from the ever-dormant threat of chaos, from double pendulums flying out of sync to space monsters invading us. We only need your force, and we only need our force to provide it; so whether you're a lifeless sap sitting at a computer all day, or a street-bound attention whore with a loud bell and no clothes under a tent-board, we'd be happy for you to join our insane cult.

Comments

If there is hope, it lies in the proles. - PetSounds

Where do I sign? - Puga

In the comments. You and PS just did. - PositronWildhawk

Well, you shouldn't really be saying anything. I confirmed you months ago. - Puga

You are off your chump: Confirmed! - visitor

Well, I already knew that. - PositronWildhawk

Do you believe in the Illuminati Positron? - visitor

Yes, evidently. - PositronWildhawk

Really? - visitor

Yes, evidently. - PositronWildhawk

So, Illuminati Confirmed. - 05yusuf09

I know you're illuminati! Can I join? - visitor

You commented, you signed. - PositronWildhawk

Yippee! - visitor

The Illuminati is Illuminati! (I'm not joining, I'm just saying'.) - RiverClanRocks

RiverClanRocks has fourteen letters. 4x4=12 in base fourteen arithmetic. 4x4=12 is deadmau5's fifth studio album. Deadmau5's Star Sign: Capricorn. Capri is an island in Italy. Italian corn is sweet. The Italians use corn in many national recipes: Pizza, Pasta, Ribolitta. Ribolitta goes well with bread. Bread rhymes with lead. Lead was used by the Romans to transfer water. The chemical symbol for lead comes from its Latin phrase. Latin was the language of the Romans. Rome is in Italy. Italy looks like a boot, kicking Sicily. Drawing a link between Sicily, Rome and Capri makes a triangle: the Illuminati Triangle.
RiverClanRocks is Illuminati Confirmed.
RiverClanRocks never had to join. - PositronWildhawk

Hey, that's my job! - Puga

The Illuminati asked me to fill in. - PositronWildhawk

I didn't ask you nothing. - Puga

You didn't have to. - PositronWildhawk

I may be Illuminati confirmed but I don't want to join. PEACE! *puts on Overly Dramatic Sunglasses™ and walks out* - RiverClanRocks

GUYS! HELP ME! POSITRONWILDHAWK HAS ME LOCKED IN HI--- IN---IN HIS---... - letdot52

Wait America will be ruled by Prostitudes? - Ihaskitty1234

Yep and now throw me money while I dance like a coo coo maniac whore while licking a rubber duck - CerealGuy

I GOT the CASH. - AlphaQ

Ok... - JaysTop10List

I've joined! - JaysTop10List

Confirm me! Haha I have no intention to join. - visitor

Visitor has 7 letters. 7-7=0. illuminati gives 0 fvcks therefore your luminati - AlphaQ

PizzaGuy. Pizza is Italian. Italy looks like a boot kicking Sicily. Drawing a line between Sicily, Rome, and Capri make a triangle. The Illuminati Triangle. Ha! Illuminati Confirmed myself! But I'm not joining. - PizzaGuy

TwilightKitsune has 15 letters in it, and she uses that as her toptens username. The toptens is a website where you make a list of 10 items. Half of 10 is 5. Divide 15 by 5 and you get 3. A triangle has three sides.

DUN DUN DUN

Lol :-! ;-) :-)B-) - TwilightKitsune

Am I illuminati - ProPanda

Si. - PositronWildhawk

ArigatoKawaii has 13 letters, divide it to 4, it will be 3.5, The basic tmepreature in Antarctica is 5 celsius and there are 3 most populous continents: Africa, Asia and North America. If the letters of each continents are combined, it will be 22 letters, if divided by 2 it will be 11, It is almost birthday of the user in 7 days which says : 11 - 7 = 4. Her favorite singer is Beyonce. Beyonce has an album which is called 4. 4 is her favorite album. Beyonce is rumored to be part of the illuminati. The Illuminati has three sides plus one eye. 3 + 1 = 4. I a. illu inati confirmed. - ArigatoKawaii

Never. Never will I join. Ever. Okay, now I'm starting to sound like LightningBlade. - visitor

Who wants to join the Trolluminati? - AlphaQ

P