Top Ten Stupidest Ways To Defend Yourself From A Murderer

The Top Ten

Grab their knife by the blade

I got bandages. - TriggerTrashKid

Why would this be a problem? - SirSheep

If you were to grab this incorrectly,this would result in your hand bleeding. But if you were able to grab the knife at the correct angle,it may be a possibility to get it from the burglar without cutting yourself.

@SirSheep You might hurt yourself with the blade like that - TheDarkOne_221b

Oh the internet, the place where you must explain every sarcastic comment. Sometimes I forget that I'm not saying these things to people in person. - SirSheep

Headbutt their weapon out of their hands

I would headbutt them in the head. - TriggerTrashKid

Seems logical - SirSheep

You’ll shoot your head. - Firemist

Tickle them as a distraction

I sure that this one will work. Especially if they have a weapon with range - SirSheep

Done that before if worked/works but that was crazy the ending was I never got harrassed like never again

"Before I die, I'll have you know - I'M THE TICKLE MONSTER! " - Cyri

*giggles* - TriggerTrashKid

Hit them with a pillow

How about a pillow of rocks?

Pillow fight training shall not work here, old pal.

Depends on the pillow

No! I have candy stuffed in it.

Offer to play a video game with them as a distraction

Hey man before you kill me, want to hit up some super smash bros?

Minecraft: Saving lives since probably never.

Hey there! Wanna play Hannah Montana: The Movie game with me?

OH NO SOMEONE'S ROBBING ME! I KNOW, LET'S PLAY FORTNITE! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME, I'M AWESOME IN THE GAME! Then I called 911 (told the burglar I'm calling my parents, then went some place to talk) and BOOM, Burglur got arrested. - TheDarkOne_221b

Put a plastic bag over their weapon

Totally going to stop a bullet or blade. It holds groceries, so it can hold back murder, right?

No, that won't work. I'm going to use a paper towel

*house catches on fire*

I would wrap it with a toilet paper.

Set fire to your house

This is Bob, Bob says hi, this is Bob when his house burns down. Bob is homeless now and probably dead. - Firemist

And stay inside to make sure that the murderer burns inside of it. - SirSheep

And then,once Bob set his house on fire,he then realized this was foolish to do. The crook just opened the door and got away. Now Bob is homeless.

I live in a rabbit hole already. - TriggerTrashKid

Fight them off using a water pistol

I would rather use a 45 Defender. - TriggerTrashKid

What if you run out of water though? - SirSheep

Someone tried to rob a bank like this. - Cyri

Tell them I need to use the bathroom

"Sir/ma'am, I have diarrhea, you might want to wait before you do anything you might regret..."

Well it's rather hard to go when you're dead

I would rather pee on his face.

Slap their butt

Hmm...interesting idea, but what about clapping their butt? Would that be an effective technique?

Him and I went on a date after. We're engaged :D

The Contenders

Tell them that they are hurting your feelings as they stab you

"You are mean! Why are you doing this? My feelings are hurt, I never did anything to you--" *dies* - Firemist

You're invading my personal space - SirSheep

Blood circle! - 0w0uwu

I almost laughed out loud when I read this. Good thing I stopped myself bcs I’m supposed to be asleep rn...

Flick their nipple
Offer them a bagel in exchange for being safe

At least offer them something better. Like broccoli. Makes sure that they are making healthy choices in their diet do they can have a better life - SirSheep

I did this but he asked for a cup of coffee so I gave him and now I am fine. - TriggerTrashKid

Make sure to add cream cheese to the deal. - Cyri

*sneaks explosive inside* - Firemist

Politely ask for them to put down the weapon

Dear sir, may I ask you to please put down your weapon? It isn't very nice to hurt someone like that.

Hey Mister Murderer, please put your weapon down, okay?

It's why your parents taught you manners, right?

Thanks for the advice.


This is less of a defense tactic and more of a way to let people know you're in danger.

It's rude to scream at people. Like this list mentions above, please use your manners and be respectful


Use a plastic spoon as a weapon

I would scoop out his eyeballs. This is a legendary weapon. - TriggerTrashKid

I'm at least smart enough to know that you need to use a plastic fork. People these days... - SirSheep

Unless you are the Plastic God, you're going to die. - Cyri

Best way to defend yourself - TheDarkOne_221b

Send your cat out on him.

Warning, this cat is 20 pounds overweight, and coming for you at top speed!
*Throws cat food at the murderer*

And sadly, you realize you just murdered your pet.

Cat: *Does nothing*

I don't own a cat.

Offer one dollar in exchange for your safety.

Seems a bit expensive - SirSheep

What about 56 cents? - TriggerTrashKid

Not gonna work. - Firemist

Aim your gun towards yourself and tell them that it shoots in reverse
Send them to Canada, Sweden, or California

What if you were in the US and the person about to kill you wasn't from the US and they don't have a legal passport?

Wait! Before you kill me, I shall have you know that I bought you a plane ticket.

LOL, I live in California-

This is actually a very effective. �"Prototype 3

Threaten to tell on them if they shoot

Detention immediately! Principal's office! - TriggerTrashKid

You'll have to go in timeout! - SirSheep


Thank them
Throw a temper tantrum


Pinch them
Lick their weapon to claim it as your own

*licks* HA HA IT HAS MY GERMS ON IT IT'S MINE! - Firemist

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