Top Ten Stupidest Ways To Defend Yourself From A Murderer

The Top Ten Stupidest Ways To Defend Yourself From A Murderer

1 Grab their knife by the blade

I got bandages. - TriggerTrashKid

Why would this be a problem? - SirSheep

If you were to grab this incorrectly,this would result in your hand bleeding. But if you were able to grab the knife at the correct angle,it may be a possibility to get it from the burglar without cutting yourself.

@SirSheep You might hurt yourself with the blade like that - TheDarkOne_221b

Oh the internet, the place where you must explain every sarcastic comment. Sometimes I forget that I'm not saying these things to people in person. - SirSheep

2 Headbutt their weapon out of their hands

I would headbutt them in the head. - TriggerTrashKid

Seems logical - SirSheep

You’ll shoot your head. - Firemist

3 Tickle them as a distraction

I sure that this one will work. Especially if they have a weapon with range - SirSheep

Done that before if worked/works but that was crazy the ending was I never got harrassed like never again

"Before I die, I'll have you know - I'M THE TICKLE MONSTER! " - Cyri

*giggles* - TriggerTrashKid

4 Offer to play a video game with them as a distraction

Hey man before you kill me, want to hit up some super smash bros?

OH NO SOMEONE'S ROBBING ME! I KNOW, LET'S PLAY FORTNITE! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME, I'M AWESOME IN THE GAME! Then I called 911 (told the burglar I'm calling my parents, then went some place to talk) and BOOM, Burglur got arrested. - TheDarkOne_221b

Minecraft: Saving lives since probably never. - Cyri

Hey there! Wanna play Hannah Montana: The Movie game with me? - RogerMcBaloney

5 Put a plastic bag over their weapon

*house catches on fire* - Firemist

Totally going to stop a bullet or blade. It holds groceries, so it can hold back murder, right? - Cyri

No, that won't work. I'm going to use a paper towel - SirSheep

I would wrap it with a toilet paper. - TriggerTrashKid

6 Hit them with a pillow

How about a pillow of rocks? - Firemist

No! I have candy stuffed in it. - TriggerTrashKid

Pillow fight training shall not work here, old pal. - Cyri

Depends on the pillow - SirSheep

7 Set fire to your house

This is Bob, Bob says hi, this is Bob when his house burns down. Bob is homeless now and probably dead. - Firemist

And stay inside to make sure that the murderer burns inside of it. - SirSheep

I live in a rabbit hole already. - TriggerTrashKid

And then,once Bob set his house on fire,he then realized this was foolish to do. The crook just opened the door and got away. Now Bob is homeless.

8 Fight them off using a water pistol

I would rather use a 45 Defender. - TriggerTrashKid

What if you run out of water though? - SirSheep

Someone tried to rob a bank like this. - Cyri

9 Slap their butt

Hmm...interesting idea, but what about clapping their butt? Would that be an effective technique? - RogerMcBaloney

Him and I went on a date after. We're engaged :D - 0w0uwu

10 Tell them that they are hurting your feelings as they stab you

"You are mean! Why are you doing this? My feelings are hurt, I never did anything to you--" *dies* - Firemist

Blood circle! - 0w0uwu

You're invading my personal space - SirSheep

I almost laughed out loud when I read this. Good thing I stopped myself bcs I’m supposed to be asleep rn...

The Contenders

11 Tell them I need to use the bathroom

"Sir/ma'am, I have diarrhea, you might want to wait before you do anything you might regret..." - RogerMcBaloney

Well it's rather hard to go when you're dead - SirSheep

I would rather pee on his face. - TriggerTrashKid

12 Flick their nipple
13 Offer them a bagel in exchange for being safe

At least offer them something better. Like broccoli. Makes sure that they are making healthy choices in their diet do they can have a better life - SirSheep

*sneaks explosive inside* - Firemist

I did this but he asked for a cup of coffee so I gave him and now I am fine. - TriggerTrashKid

Make sure to add cream cheese to the deal. - Cyri

14 Politely ask for them to put down the weapon

Dear sir, may I ask you to please put down your weapon? It isn't very nice to hurt someone like that. - RoseWeasley

Hey Mister Murderer, please put your weapon down, okay? - Firemist

It's why your parents taught you manners, right? - SirSheep

Thanks for the advice. - TriggerTrashKid

15 Send your cat out on him.

Cat: *Does nothing* - 0w0uwu

And sadly, you realize you just murdered your pet. - Firemist

Warning, this cat is 20 pounds overweight, and coming for you at top speed!
*Throws cat food at the murderer* - SirSheep

I don't own a cat. - TriggerTrashKid

16 Use a plastic spoon as a weapon

I would scoop out his eyeballs. This is a legendary weapon. - TriggerTrashKid

I'm at least smart enough to know that you need to use a plastic fork. People these days... - SirSheep

Unless you are the Plastic God, you're going to die. - Cyri

Best way to defend yourself - TheDarkOne_221b

17 Scream

This is less of a defense tactic and more of a way to let people know you're in danger. - RoseWeasley

It's rude to scream at people. Like this list mentions above, please use your manners and be respectful - SirSheep

REE - TriggerTrashKid

18 Threaten to tell on them if they shoot

Detention immediately! Principal's office! - TriggerTrashKid

You'll have to go in timeout! - SirSheep


19 Thank them
20 Pinch them
21 Offer yourself as a sex object or sex slave in exchange for sparing your life.

They'd also be charged for pedophilia. - Cyri

22 Try to perform a Kamehameha on them

If it works in a cartoon it must wok in real life right I mean if you try hard enough. - Powell

23 Use the force
24 Fight them off using a nerf gun

I would shoot him in the nostrils. He would suffocate. - TriggerTrashKid

Aim for the eyes - SirSheep

25 Offer one dollar in exchange for your safety.

Seems a bit expensive - SirSheep

What about 56 cents? - TriggerTrashKid

Not gonna work. - Firemist

26 Close your eyes

*walks into the wall - SirSheep

Thinking that if you can't see him then he can't see you.

Nice joke. - TriggerTrashKid

27 Get the last laugh and kill yourself before they can

Murderer: You're gonna die!
Me: Right! *shoots self* - RoseWeasley

Can't kill me now! You can't even be a semi decent murderer! You should work on that - SirSheep

This is perfect. - TriggerTrashKid

Haha, you can’t kill me now OUCH! *dies* - Firemist

28 Aim your gun towards yourself and tell them that it shoots in reverse
29 Send them to Canada, Sweden, or California

What if you were in the US and the person about to kill you wasn't from the US and they don't have a legal passport? - 0w0uwu

Wait! Before you kill me, I shall have you know that I bought you a plane ticket. - SirSheep

This is actually a very effective. �"Prototype 3

30 Throw a temper tantrum


31 Cry and scream in pain
32 Slap them on their own heads
33 Lick their weapon to claim it as your own

*licks* HA HA IT HAS MY GERMS ON IT IT'S MINE! - Firemist

34 Beg them to leave you alone
35 Be Hawkeye with a nerf bow

At least try to be him. It's hard. I actually tried to do it today. - REALBluestar

36 Play terrible music to scare them off.

Let's face it the music probably is not going to be that bad that it will scare someone away if they are about to do something so serious. - Powell

37 Start flirting with them
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