Hercules is One of the Worst Disney Movies Ever!
MegaSoulhero Girl #1: Hey, girl! Wanna watch another movie?Girl #2: Sure! What should we watch?
Girl #1: Disney’s Hercules!
Girl #2: But didn’t some mermaid hating guy come in here and break the disc?
Girl #1: Yeah, but it’s on Netflix. We can watch it there.
Girl #2: Cool! And with Disney’s new streaming service coming out next year, we might as well watch it before it gets removed.
MegaSoulHero: DO NOT PRESS PLAY!
Girl #1: Oh no. Not this guy again.
Girl #2: What do you want this time? Also, I hope you’re willing to pay for that window you just broke.
MegaSoulHero: I’m here to stop you from watching such a TERRIBLE movie!
Girl #1: Terrible? This is such a great film! One of the best to come from Disney!
MegaSoulHero: More like one of the worst! You know what, let’s just watch it so I can show you just how unbearable Hercules is!
Girl #2: If you couldn’t convince us that Ariel was bad, what makes you think that you can convince us that this is a bad movie?
MegaSoulHero: Just watch.
It starts out with a narrator talking about how there are many powerful gods and that the strongest of these gods is Hercules. This is a great way to start the movie. But how do they manage to ruin it? By having muses that represent black female stereotypes sing gospel music that feels out of place in a Greek mythology film.
Girl #1: The soundtrack is so good!
MegaSoulHero: What!? Not only are the songs terrible, they take me out of the movie because of how out of place they are!
Girl: #2: Yet you praise Hamilton despite it being full of songs that don’t match the time period.
MegaSoulHero: That’s different because telling the story of Alexander Hamilton through hip hop is pretty much its entire purpose. In Hercules’ case, they have these Gospel musical numbers while also having other musical numbers that feel like they fit in better. It basically doesn’t know what it wants to do and it just feels like a mess.
Yeah, the entire first musical number adds absolutely nothing to the film. I get that they’re just trying to make the movie more fun, but they do it in an extremely annoying way. After that train wreck of a musical number, we see Olympus. The home of Zeus. We see him and his wife Hera with their baby son, Hercules. Who is super strong. Also, this entire scene brings up another problem. The animation. The character designs look really bad. Including some of the monsters that appear later in the film. It also seems like they’re trying to throw in as much colorful imagery as possible to keep the kids entertained. As show in the very first musical number of the film. Anyway, Zeus is shown to be a bad father by letting his son play with a lightning bolt, then Hades, ruler of the underworld, shows up. This guy is an awesome villain and the only reason to watch the movie. His lines are delivered to near perfection and despite not being a very serious villain, he can still be a little frightening at times when he gets angry. But then the muses ruin what could’ve been a potentially cool scene by singing about him. This scene with him riding a boat in the underworld could’ve been genuinely great and intense if it didn’t have any singing over it. They’re basically just telling us who Hades is when we can just get the idea by having them show us what he’s like. Then we get introduced to his idiot henchmen. I’ve always hated this cliché of giving a villain henchmen that are incompetent at what they do. It’s never funny. And how do they get introduced? By doing a butt joke! Yeah, there are butt jokes in this movie.
Anyway, Hades has a meeting with these creatures known as the Fates and they tell him that in 18 years, he will be the ruler of all until Hercules defeats him. So to prevent that from happening, Hades attempts to get Hercules killed by giving him a potion that turns him mortal since he can’t kill gods. And he trusts Pain and Panic to give him the potion because I don’t know. They end up kidnapping Hercules and I’m wondering how they managed to do that so easily. Even though Hercules is still a baby, he still has super strength and should be able to defend himself. Also, why would Zeus and Hera just let their child sleep all by itself and not anticipate that something like this would happen? Such terrible parents. While on Earth, Pain and Panic force the potion down Hercules’s throat then he gets found by a normal married couple. Pain and Panic turn into snakes to try to end Hercules until he grabs them. WHY DIDN’T HE DO THAT BEFORE!?!? And yeah, since Hercules didn’t drink the last drop of that potion, he still has his strength. Literally just one more drop would’ve caused him to lose that power. Of course he didn’t drink that last drop because plot. That just seemed way to convenient. Then the muses start singing again. Ugh. Why must they keep singing to us what is happening? It serves no purpose!
Years later, we see an older Hercules who helps his new parents out on the farm. Let’s see. A man who has super strength and wasn’t born on Earth ends up on Earth as a baby to be protected from a villain who is after him and gets raised by two normal people on a farm? That kind of sounds like a certain superhero.
Girl #1: Thor?
MegaSoulHero: No. I’m talking about a DC hero.
Girl #2: Captain America?
MegaSoulHero: I said DC!
Girl #1: Spider-Man?
MegaSoulHero: WHAT PART OF DC DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!?
Girl #2: The Riddler?
MegaSoulHero: Okay, that’s DC but HE’S NOT A SUPERHERO!
Basically, everyone hates Hercules because of how different he is from everyone else. I don’t understand why. The thing that makes him different is his strength. Isn’t that something that makes him cool? These people are such jerks for making him feel under-appreciated. Sure he messes things up, but he doesn’t mean to. These characters are so unlikeable. Hercules tells his dad that he feels like he doesn’t belong there and then we get the only good song in the movie. I am being 100% serious. I love Go the Distance. It’s not just the best song in the movie, it’s my all time favorite Disney song and it has no right to be in such a terrible film like this one. His mortal parents finally tell him that he isn’t their biological son, why they waited so long to tell him I’ll never know, then he makes his way to the temple of Zeus in which he finds out that he is Zeus’s son and that he’s a god. By the way, considering that he knew Hercules was stolen and knew he was still alive, I’m surprised he didn’t make an attempt to try to track down whoever was responsible. Zeus tells him that Hercules can become a god again if he can become a true hero then he rides on his Pegasus to find Philoctetes to train him. He’s not given any information about Phil given any directions as to where he is. Yet he still manages to find him somehow. It’s not like he has a GPS. But yeah, they manage to find him and he’s basically just Danny DeVito in cartoon form. That’s pretty much the only joke centered around the character. The fact that he’s Danny DeVito. Also, he’s a pervert apparently. He is so unbearable! He always acts like a complete jerk and always has such a cranky tone!
Phil refuses to help Hercules because he’s retired, but after finding out that he’s Zeus’s son, he agrees to train him. In a song number. Danny DeVito cannot sing to save his life. It’s a good thing Mulan came out a year later with a better training montage and a better training song. So after intense training, Hercules becomes...
Girl #1: A very handsome hunk!
Girl #2: Those muscles are irresistible!
MegaSoulHero: I was gonna say he becomes a generic, bland hero, but whatever.
Later on, Hercules fights a monster and saves Megara. I HATE MEG!!! She always speaks in such a sarcastic tone and always acts like such a... yeah, I’m not gonna say the word, but you get the point. It makes us wonder why we should care about what happens to her! And of course Hercules falls in love with her because we can’t have a movie about a hero unless he has a girl that he’s willing to fight for. Then we find out that Meg is working with Hades. HOW CONVENIENT! This causes Hades to find out that Hercules is still alive. So let me get this straight. Hades, lord of the dead, didn’t know that Hercules wasn’t dead despite being able to see if people’s souls are in the underworld? Why didn’t he check to see if Hercules’s soul was there? It’s shown that his henchmen are incompetent yet he believes them when they tell him that Hercules is dead! Plus, everyone else on Olympus knew Hercules was still alive so how did Hades not hear anything about it for 18 years!? This movie makes me so angry! We’re not even halfway through! Hercules and Phil go into town, we get a bunch of unfunny jokes, then Meg tells them that some kids are trapped in a gorge. Hercules saves them and the citizens applaud in a very unimpressed way. They saw a man lift up a giant boulder and they aren’t amazed by that? How many times have they seen someone do that before? Anyway, it’s no surprise that these two kids are actually Pain and Panic in disguise. It’s very easy to guess yet they make it seem like they were deliberately trying to trick us. Then Hades sends in a giant badly CGI’d serpent type creature to kill Hercules and Hercules defeats it by slicing its neck open. Kids movie, everyone! Unfortunately, this monster can grow more heads, but luckily Hercules defeats it by crushing it with a bunch of rocks. Along with him in the process. And no. He’s not dead because he’s the protagonist and we’re not even close to the end!
So everyone loves him now and we get a montage of him fighting monsters while the Muses sing the worst song in the movie! It’s basically just them fawning over how awesome Hercules is and saying that he has basically become a celebrity. The lyrics are absolute garbage. Like that line about the vase as well as “Who put the ‘glad’ in ‘gladiator’?” Gladiators aren’t even Greek! They couldn’t even get that information right! So after that disaster, we get the only part of the movie that made me laugh. Pain is wearing Hercules brand shoes to which Hades responds “What are those?” This was way before the meme so it’s very much acceptable. It’s not like that scene in Black Panther in which they were deliberately trying to reference the meme. After seeing Pain and Panic with Hercules merchandise, he explodes with rage. This is absolutely hilarious. I wish there were more moments like this. After Hercules tells his dad about the lives he saved, Zeus claims that it’s not enough to be a true hero. I don’t get how this works. He clearly saved all those people from the monsters because it was the right thing to do and not because he wanted to be famous. Sure everyone wanted his autograph and he has his own action figure, wait. Action figure? ACTION FIGURES WEREN’T CREATED UNTIL 1964! When they put in things like this that don’t fit in the time period, it doesn’t make me believe that they actually live in this time period! In Aladdin, there were references to things that didn’t exist in that time period, but it worked there because those references were made by the Genie. A magical character who we don’t question. It seems like this movie tries to do what Aladdin did without realizing how it made sense in Aladdin.
So Meg takes Hercules on a date and...
Girl #1: Wait! Aren’t you gonna talk about a certain cameo?
MegaSoulHero: Is that really necessary?
Girl #2: Do it!
MegaSoulHero: Fine!
Scar from the Lion King appears as a rug. Anyway, Meg takes Hercules on a date to find out a weakness that Hades can use against him. She wasn’t able to figure out his weakness, but, as expected, she ends up falling in love with him. Who didn’t see that coming? After Phil makes Hercules come with him, Meg sings about her feelings and the song is very meh. It has a nice tone and it’s always great hearing Susan Egan sing, but guess who ruin it! The Muses join is as backup singers! This could’ve been a great solo for Susan, but they just had to ruin it! While training at the stadium, Phil, who overheard Meg and Hades talking, tries to warn him about her. Meanwhile, Pain and Panic capture Pegasus by pretending to be a female pegasus with a nice round backside. I’m 89% sure the animators had perverted minds. Hercules doesn’t believe Phil’s story which causes Phil to leave. Because Disney loves to throw in this trope of two friends having an argument and then parting ways. Is anyone else getting tired of that? Hercules then meets Hades and he makes a deal with him saying that if Hercules gives up his power, then Hades will free Meg. He agrees and loses his strength only to find out that Meg is working for Hades. At this moment, Hades has the perfect opportunity to end Hercules, but he doesn’t because the writers have absolutely no brain cells! And it just occurred to me. Why couldn’t he have the Fates kill Hercules by cutting his Thread of Life? That would’ve been much quicker than anything he was trying to do.
The planets align which causes the Titans that were mentioned by the Fates at the beginning of the movie to be released and they head to Olympus to attack. So it’s a battle between the guards and the Titans. Meg rescues Pegasus and gets Phil and they help out Hercules. By the way, Hercules is constantly getting his butt kicked by one of the Titans yet doesn’t get any major injuries despite not having his strength. If he really did become a normal mortal, he would be dead. But after getting a pep talk from Phil, Hercules defeats the monster by tying its legs together causing it to fall. Then a pillar falls and Meg pushes Hercules out of the way which causes Meg to get crushed. YAY! Hercules then gets his strength back since the deal is broken due to Hades promising Meg wouldn’t get hurt. Kind of seems like a Deus Ex Machina in a way but whatever. Hercules save the gods of Olympus, defeats the Titans WHILE HE’S IN OLYMPUS DESPITE STILL BEING MORTAL I MIGHT ADD, but unfortunately for him Meg dies (for now). This is supposed to be an emotional scene but there was nothing she did in the film that should make me care. Hercules enters the underworld, because I guess the underworld is easily accessible, and tries to get Meg back. He dives into the souls to rescue her and it looks like he’s about to die. But he doesn’t die because he finally becomes a god again. WHAT!? Are you kidding me!? So saving all those people from monsters wasn’t enough to become a god, but saving one girl is? This makes absolutely no sense! Even shortly before this, he willingly saved the gods of Olympus! Yet that didn’t seem to be enough! Saving people because it’s the right thing to do is much better than saving one specific person that you love! Who came up with these rules? So Hercules saves Meg’s soul then punches Hades into the pit of souls. Thus getting dragged all the way down. Hercules then puts Meg’s soul back in her body which causes her to come back to life. That’s nice, but I’m pretty sure her body should still be in massive pain from getting crushed by a pillar. How does putting her soul back heal her body?
So now that Hercules is a god, he’s able to go back to Olympus. But he turns it down because he would rather stay on Earth to be with Meg. Um, WHAT!? So he spent the entire movie trying to become a true hero so he can become a god again and go back to Olympus only to change his mind just to be with a girl!? That is so stupid! But let’s see. How can we make this ending even worse? Oh I know! By having the Muses sing one final gospel song! So Hercules stays on Earth, Phil gets a girlfriend, Hercules reunites with his mortal parents, the movie ends and I wish I could get that 93 minutes of my life back.
This movie is so awful in so many ways! The animation is a joke, there are too many plot holes, the characters are unbearable, and most of the songs are really bad! How can anyone like a film like this?
Girl #1: Because it’s not trying to take itself seriously.
Girl #2: Yeah! It’s just a film that wants to be fun and it succeeds at doing that.
MegaSoulHero: Well, you do make a good point.
Even though I still think this is one of the worst Disney films, it’s great to know that others can find enjoyment in it. The style of humor isn’t for everyone, but it definitely has its fans. And I can totally appreciate that. If you like it, then I’m happy to know that.
Girl #1: Yay! Glad you can respect it. It’s much better than films like the Incredibles.
(Record Scratch)
MegaSoulHero: What did you say?
Girl #2: She said it’s better than the Incredibles.
MegaSoulHero: (breathes heavily) NOOOO! (breaks laptop) Well, see ya.
Comments
Lol amazing pat on a back to megasoulhero I agree with you - Lovefromanothergalaxy
"It's better than the incredibles"
*breaks through door* ExCuSe Me!? - visitor
I agree. - iliekpiez