Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings

There are too many of them for them NOT to be put in a list.
The Top Ten
1 I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".

This is so hilarious! I remember I was in math, and I saw something that reminded me of this joke. I laughed so hard my teacher threatened me to go to the principal. I got in trouble... Lots and lots of trouble...

Love this one so much! I remember I once said it to some lady at the funeral and after, she hit me with her Michael Kors purse. And jee, I recommend to never do that, ( It hurt's like real bad ).

It's not funny to think about elders dying. It's sad. I just want them all to be taken care of in a good home and a good family. So shut up. You people are next. On my death list. Now just stop!

2 I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

Imagine that: Ok guess what I am! Has a heartattack Person whose a total IDIOT: Uh oh! I know your having a heart attack! PErson gwts rushed to the hospital IDIOT: Wow... You got a pretty convincing heart attack buddy... Person: glares

This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!

That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot

3 I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!

Yeah, I also heard, 'I swear to drunk I'm not god! ' I love this quote, immensely hilarious!

This is not from Anonymous. It's from M.A.S.H. the quote comes from Hot lips Houlihan aka. Loretta Swit when she gets drunk on duty.

4 Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

HAHAH I think it deserves to be number one. But if you have never gotten a girl wet b4 you wouldn't understand this brilliant and true statement

This is completely true. Although, I am a woman but still I almost threw up from laughing so hard.

So untrue. I know this and as a woman I think that what you are saying is truly about MEN.

5 I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.

Now this one's Bob, how about Steven over here, and we'll call this guy little Billy. Perfect!

Thanks dude now I know what to say whenever someone asks me the same question!

6 For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous

I love this. I want to buy a parachute to sell and say this just for fun.

Amazing quote! Best one that I ever heard (or in this case, read).

Man, just do a backflip on a really, really tall building. Then use your parachute.

7 My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch
8 A boy looked into his parent's bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"

Next time don't do something awkward and stupid.

That's a little disturbing...

That is amazing

9 I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde

I feel ya buddy...
See that piece of chocolate? You've been saving it but... Ah well whatever I deserve it, right?

It's hilarious and clever altogether. I love it.

I think its really clever. I like it!

10 USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman

Gloriously true, but clever enough that it makes you pause to wrap your miserable head around it. Save Letterman! I applaud you!

(Sarcastically) Really!? I thought three out of every four people made 90 percent!

Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!

The Contenders
11 I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous

I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)

Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!

Schooling shouldn't matter what should matter is your education that should b the first thing on your list otherwise youll become one of those people that afford the you need to live because you did get a good education which interfere with getting a good job... Trust me I know that's how my family is...

12 I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams

Going to say it to my teacher all the time!

Don't raise your hand in school. It's real easy.

Yes! Can't wait to use this at school.

13 I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

Charlie Chaplin was a brilliant man, and this quote is bang on. America is a garbage dump filled with armed hillbillies.

So true...
I would bet my last copy of his movies that everyone who posted not liking this quote in the comments is American.

How is This even funny? Nothing about this quote makes me laugh. To me this is just wrong...

14 A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
15 A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin

I love George Carlin, extremely clever joke!

I'll get those gay men to get out of the closet.

16 A Man Has Three Good Friends; an Old Wife, Old Dog and Ready Money - Benjamin Franklin
17 "Don't feed the mouth that bites you." - D.S.

You hear that? Starve yourself, people!

18 Don't steal. The government hates competition.

I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.

That's so funny hahaahahaahaha. But only if you know the the book "men are from Mars, women are from venus.

I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool

19 Then the nurse asks me, "how would you rate your pain?" four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan

I think this one is a little funny. Might use it when it is needed.

20 When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery

So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book!

I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde

Oh I get it now. ( Just gonna spoil it ) Only one third WORKS but the rest just I don't know

21 I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are... - John Cleese

That's just mean. Everyone has blank moments. Geez

There are more problems my friend, like, um..

The truth is strong in this one!

22 Constipated people don't give a crap

This is funny, but sort of gross!

23 Alcohol doesn't solve your problems but neither does milk.
24 Born to party but forced to work - Anonymous
25 It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on - Anonymous
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