Top 10 Funniest Quotes and Sayings

There are too many of them for them NOT to be put in a list.
The Top Ten
1 I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "You're next." So next time I was at a funeral, I poked them and said "You're next."

This is so hilarious! I remember I was in math class, and something reminded me of this joke. I laughed so hard that my teacher threatened to send me to the principal.

I got in trouble... lots and lots of trouble...

Love this one so much! I remember I once said it to some lady at a funeral, and afterwards, she hit me with her Michael Kors purse.

And gee, I recommend never doing that (it hurts really bad).

That is one of the funniest and most offensive jokes here, but way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.

2 I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

Imagine this: Okay, guess what I am! Has a heart attack.

Person who's a total idiot: Uh oh! I know you're having a heart attack! Person gets rushed to the hospital.

Idiot: Wow... You got a pretty convincing heart attack, buddy...

Person: glares.

This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!

That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature, but this one is the best! It deserves this spot.

3 I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous

Laugh out loud, this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!

Yeah, I also heard, I swear to drunk I'm not God! I love this quote. It's immensely hilarious!

This is not from Anonymous. It's from M.A.S.H. The quote comes from Hot Lips Houlihan, aka Loretta Swit, when she gets drunk on duty.

4 Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house and car.

Haha, I think it deserves to be number one. But if you have never gotten a girl wet before, you wouldn't understand this brilliant and true statement.

This is completely true. Although I am a woman, I almost threw up from laughing so hard.

Although I'm a woman, this is a truly funny quote.

5 I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

Now I know what I should say when someone asks me the same question.

Now this one's Bob, how about Steven over here, and we'll call this guy little Billy. Perfect!

Thanks, dude. Now I know what to say whenever someone asks me the same question!

6 For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous

I love this. I want to buy a parachute to sell and say this just for fun.

Amazing quote! Best one that I ever heard (or in this case, read).

Man, just do a backflip off a really, really tall building. Then use your parachute.

7 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son-of-a-bitch.
8 A boy looked into his parents' bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"

Next time, don't do something awkward and stupid.

9 I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde

I feel ya, buddy... See that piece of chocolate? You've been saving it, but... Ah well, whatever, I deserve it, right?

It's hilarious and clever altogether. I love it.

I think it's really clever. I like it!

10 I never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Anonymous

I'd hate to be a joykill, but it's not a joke. Mark Twain said it as a sort of proverb to express that just because it's school, it doesn't mean it makes you smarter.

In other words, don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually, most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got the required education but care very little about truth and facts. They just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them, of course).

But it is a pun, a very wise pun, so I guess it kind of is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise).

The Contenders
11 USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman

Gloriously true, but clever enough that it makes you pause to wrap your miserable head around it.

Save Letterman! I applaud you!

(Sarcastically) Really!? I thought three out of every four people made 90 percent!

Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

Loved this list!

12 I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

Charlie Chaplin was a brilliant man, and this quote is bang on.

America is a garbage dump filled with armed hillbillies.

So true... I would bet my last copy of his movies that everyone who posted not liking this quote in the comments is American.

13 I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams

I'm going to say it to my teacher all the time!

Don't raise your hand in school. It's really easy.

Yes! Can't wait to use this at school.

14 A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
15 A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion. - George Carlin

I love George Carlin. Extremely clever joke!

16 A man has three good friends: an old wife, old dog, and ready money. - Benjamin Franklin
17 Don't feed the mouth that bites you. - D.S.

You hear that? Starve yourself, people!

18 Then the nurse asks me, "How would you rate your pain?" Four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan

I think this one is a little funny. Might use it when it is needed.

19 Don't steal. The government hates competition.

I like this one because it's absolutely true, and the one about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet.

By the way, I'm 13, and this joke is understandable even at this age.

That's so funny. But it's only funny if you know the book "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus."

I love how you're pointing out that the government steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool.

20 When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them. - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery

So incredibly funny! It makes sense, and it seems like something that should be in a book!

I didn't get this at first. It took me a couple of minutes to realize what it said.

It's not my fault I'm a blonde.

Oh, I get it now. (Just going to spoil it) Only one third works, but the rest just, I don't know.

21 I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are. - John Cleese

There are more problems, my friend, like, um...

The truth is strong in this one!

22 Constipated people don't give a crap.

This is funny, but sort of gross!

23 Alcohol doesn't solve your problems, but neither does milk.
24 Born to party but forced to work. - Anonymous
25 It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on. - Anonymous
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