Top Ten Absurd Things to Do If You're Out of Toilet Paper

The Top Ten

1 Try to defecate out of a different body cavity

Or you can have a dietary intake which would reduce the water content in your poop, so your poop will be sharp enough to carve a hole in your rear region as it gushes out along with blood, similar to magma coming out of the earth

South Park - Season 6, episode 8

What the hell?

Excuse Me?

2 Blowtorch your butt clean

3 Take enough antidiarrheal tablets so you'll never need to use the toilet again

4 Arrange to be "abducted" by aliens, so you can be taken to an advanced civilisation with plenty of toilet paper

This sounds like the best option. I knew you would think of some ways to get out of a crisis.

5 Call Ant-Man and get him to crawl up your butt

6 Try scraping your leavings out with a pencil

7 Grab the cat and rub hard

8 End it all, because toilet paper is life

9 Attach a vacuum cleaner to get everything out cleanly

I may use this method only in special cases..

10 Wipe your bum on your neighbour's front lawn

It was the dog!

The Contenders

11 Use a paper magazine as an alternative to Toilet Paper

Tear off the pages of an old magazine and use that to wipe your bottom. Bonus points if the page you use has Justin Bieber on it (what a stupid joke).

12 Scream so loudly that the whole room vibrates and shakes everything off your butt

13 Stop eating so you don't have to go anymore

14 Get a job at a toilet paper factory

15 Bribe/beg the CEO of Sharmin for more

16 Use your hands

17 Steal some

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