Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings

anonymous There are too many of them for them NOT to be put in a list.

The Top Ten

1 I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".

I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming

That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.

Laugh out loud
That's funny I've never heard that one before

Funny yet creepy

V 111 Comments

2 I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!

That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot

And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!

This is the funniest I've ever read

V 21 Comments

3 I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous

Holy crap are you clown

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!

I like this its funny

Couldn't have said it better myself

V 24 Comments

4 I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.

Wow you're a genius

Haha that is a good one

That was amazing, imma tell my friends. Clever.

V 27 Comments

5 USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman

No? REALLY? I had NO idea!

This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman - Ajkloth

Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!! - HezarioSeth

If this was how it was, then the surveryers would be stupid to do any work on this. - Oliveleaf

V 9 Comments

6 For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous

I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute

I doubt the person who used it once is alive.

I didn't get it at first - polynesia

I love this. I want to buy a parachute to sell and say this just for fun. - Catlover2004

V 12 Comments

7 I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous

Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!

I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)

That is so true

Then you're getting dumb and stupid . - Doge4lifeGaming

V 3 Comments

8 When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery

So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book! - maddyparrot22

I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde

Oh I get it now. ( Just gonna spoil it ) Only one third WORKS but the rest just I don't know

Haha - Oliveleaf

V 6 Comments

9 Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

Although I'm a women, this is a truly funny quote.

Good but need funnier sayings

British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books

YASSS so TRUE EVEN THOUGH I'm A WOMAN/KID/10

V 21 Comments

10 I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde

Mon's only weakness in a nutshell

I think its really clever. I like it!

It's hilarious and clever altogether. I love it.

I feel ya buddy...
See that piece of chocolate? You've been saving it but... Ah well whatever I deserve it, right? - keycha1n

V 4 Comments

The Contenders

11 I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams

I LOVE IT, I WILL USE IT NEXT TIME I DON'T KNOW AN ANSWER!

Now that I am old, I no longer have to admit I don't know the answers, only that I don't remember them!

Going to say it to my teacher all the time!

I can use this for math tomorrow thanks! ;-)

You are all stupid

V 9 Comments

12 A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin

I love George Carlin, extremely clever joke! - Flowersocks2137

I'll get those gay men to get out of the closet. - Doge4lifeGaming

V 1 Comment

13 A boy looked into his parent's bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"

That's a little disturbing...

Next time don't do something awkward and stupid. - Doge4lifeGaming

As soon as I got that I couldn't stop laughing

Very disturbing to me-strange spider

V 4 Comments

14 Then the nurse asks me, "how would you rate your pain?" four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan

I think this one is a little funny. Might use it when it is needed.

This should come next and it is hilarious for those who get it

Lol yes I heard of this. I'll say this next time I go for a check-up - PopcornPelican

V 4 Comments

15 I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are... - John Cleese

The truth is strong in this one!

That's just mean. Everyone has blank moments. Geez

There are more problems my friend, like, um.. - Doge4lifeGaming

AHahhahhaa okay that cracked me up

V 3 Comments

16 Don't steal. The government hates competition.

I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool

I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.

Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

Brilliant

V 15 Comments

17 Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra V 4 Comments

18 I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

How is This even funny? Nothing about this quote makes me laugh. To me this is just wrong...

Charlie Chaplin was a brilliant man, and this quote is bang on. America is a garbage dump filled with armed hillbillies.

That make sense

You bad person.. - Doge4lifeGaming

V 6 Comments

19 Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson

Joke for intelligent people!

That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.

Playing with the words!

Makes no sense to me. - Doge4lifeGaming

V 7 Comments

20 I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield

Laugh out loud, this is really funny

Then your death will be buttery. - Doge4lifeGaming

Lol...

No respect.

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249 listings
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Top Remixes (7)

1. I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
2. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
3. I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

wolverine7

1. I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
2. A boy looked into his parent's bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"
3. A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin

Elina

1. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
2. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
3. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill

HezarioSeth

WRemix

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