Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings

I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming

That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.

Laugh out loud
That's funny I've never heard that one before

Funny yet creepy

This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!

That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot

And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!

This is the funniest I've ever read

Holy crap are you clown

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!

I like this its funny

LOL - B0S5J4M3S

Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.

Wow you're a genius

Haha that is a good one

That was amazing, imma tell my friends. Clever.

No? REALLY? I had NO idea!

This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman - Ajkloth

Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!! - HezarioSeth

If this was how it was, then the surveryers would be stupid to do any work on this. - Oliveleaf

I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute

I doubt the person who used it once is alive.

I didn't get it at first - polynesia

I love this. I want to buy a parachute to sell and say this just for fun. - Catlover2004

Mon's only weakness in a nutshell

I think its really clever. I like it!

Not that funny
Why is it number 8?

Great, just great. - Oliveleaf

Although I'm a women, this is a truly funny quote.

Good but need funnier sayings

British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books

This is completely true. Although, I am a woman but still I almost threw up from laughing so hard.

Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!

I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)

That is so true

Then you're getting dumb and stupid . - Doge4lifeGaming

That is very thrue

Wow I really don't get it that was lame everyone knows it

Then why did you vote for it just to say its lame? Its not. And that's your opinion. - XxFoxyMeepzxX

Haha, so true

I LOVE IT, I WILL USE IT NEXT TIME I DON'T KNOW AN ANSWER!

Now that I am old, I no longer have to admit I don't know the answers, only that I don't remember them!

Going to say it to my teacher all the time!

I can use this for math tomorrow thanks! ;-)

You are all stupid

I love George Carlin, extremely clever joke! - Flowersocks2137

I'll get those gay men to get out of the closet. - Doge4lifeGaming

That's a little disturbing...

As soon as I got that I couldn't stop laughing

Very disturbing to me-strange spider

Yo! I get that-keila

You hear that? Starve yourself, people! - GrapeJuiceK

I think this one is a little funny. Might use it when it is needed.

This should come next and it is hilarious for those who get it

Lol yes I heard of this. I'll say this next time I go for a check-up - PopcornPelican

And I rate 11/10 IGN. - Doge4lifeGaming

I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool

I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.

Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

Brilliant

The truth is strong in this one!

That's just mean. Everyone has blank moments. Geez

There are more problems my friend, like, um.. - Doge4lifeGaming

AHahhahhaa okay that cracked me up

I believe everything in that joke or saying or whatever it was😠🍪.

Ha, I like this one

Why are they so... greedy? - Doge4lifeGaming

Hahaa will they come when they are dead

...nice

Joke for intelligent people!

That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.

Playing with the words!

Makes no sense to me. - Doge4lifeGaming

How is This even funny? Nothing about this quote makes me laugh. To me this is just wrong...

Charlie Chaplin was a brilliant man, and this quote is bang on. America is a garbage dump filled with armed hillbillies.

That make sense

You bad person.. - Doge4lifeGaming

Laugh out loud, this is really funny

Then your death will be buttery. - Doge4lifeGaming

Lol...

No respect.

I won't say that it is funny.. But inspiring.. It is a way of seeing things differently.

That sounds like something I'd say. - PianoQueen

This one is amazing I'm definitely gonna use this one

I sometimes say that, haha

So true and relatable, as well as hysterical on its own.

That's a no crap quote hallelujah!

I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

Now this one is easy to understand

Sorry but its not that its " Friendship is like peeing your pants everone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth thanks for being the pee in my pants"

My friend is going to hate me forever!

I was texting my friend once and I sent her this quote. - AnonymousChick

Lovely really

This is stupidity

I love lamp too - SansTheComic

what

Laugh out loud... Nice

Holy Jimmy carter. - TeamRocket747

I wonder what his wife thought of that...but lol😄

Einstein was comical, Tesla was the real genius. - Deranged

Huh maybe she should think about the irony

Lol so true. Hate Barbie - PopcornPelican

Cuz it is the true n very funny at the same time!

I would have gone and found some sugar and pancakes.

And you will then make peoples lives miserable. - Minecraftcrazy530

Laughing so hard and don't even know why

This rule I will live by.

This is awesome...and very true!

Then you should live wirelessly!

Agreed

Yes!

This is funny, but sort of gross! - funnyuser

Pretty Good, To be honest LOL loved it!

Or die what ver suites you...😒

Ok that is hilarious

"Hey, Steve, what is a good nickname for someone namd Leslie Nielsen? "
"shirley"
"Steve should've recieved 28 nobel prizes by now" - GrapeJuiceK

This gives you something to think about

Wow! That is awesome. I like it so much

Definitely one to look out for

Haha,it's the only funny quote that I understand

Doesn't that mean do absolutely nothing?

Haha this is absolutely hilarious

I'm angry with that answer about blondes! No, it's not true. I'm blonde - and thirteen - and I'm the one correcting your spelling and grammar. I believe you meant this:
I love this one. It reminds me of a blonde, and blondes, don't try to deny it- you know it's true.
Why are there so many stupid, ridiculous, and plain offensive people in the world?

Haha you haven't hit the age where the blonde kicks in yet. Give it a couple years then you won't get this joke anymore. You'll be thinking "what's wrong with asking for the number to dial 911..."

This is hillarious it should be higher

The number is 912, duh - Harri666

Uh, hello. I'm a blonde, and I get the highest grades in my Accelerated math classes. P.S. Look up Elle from Legally Blonde, you HATER.

I love George Carlin... That is an extremely witty and funny quote! - Flowersocks2137

Now I get it. its funny because R.H. Grenier is making a generalization about generalizations. HYPOCRITE ALERT!

I love I out of all of the others

I remember this from Terraria

Every man knows this... A creedo

AWESOME

A amen that is so true?

Yup that's how it should stay

Seriously? I thought you guys were better than that. Gays are human, too, you know. - SansTheComic

"Hey, Steve, who are your parents? "
"god"
"Now we have proof..." - GrapeJuiceK

Who made this quote exactly?

THIS IS A TERRIBLE QUOTE

I know funny, and this is funny... Think about it!

This.makes.no.sense.at.all.