Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings

I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming

That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.

Laugh out loud
That's funny I've never heard that one before

if I say this to a friend he'll say he is disappointed in me for remembering this joke

This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!

That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot

And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!

So true and hilarious! The others are ok and I've heard them before, but this was no doubt the funniest quote on this whole page!

Holy crap are you clown

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!

I like this its funny

And we all fell down
When the sun came up
I think we've had enough

Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.

Wow you're a genius

Haha that is a good one

Now I know the answer for my up and coming test.

No? REALLY? I had NO idea!

This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman

Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!!

(Sarcastically) Really!? I thought three out of every four people made 90 percent!

I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute

I didn't get it at first

I doubt the person who used it once is alive.

I love this. I want to buy a parachute to sell and say this just for fun.

Mon's only weakness in a nutshell

I think its really clever. I like it!

Not that funny
Why is it number 8?

I don't really get it

Although I'm a women, this is a truly funny quote.

Good but need funnier sayings

This is completely true. Although, I am a woman but still I almost threw up from laughing so hard.

British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books

Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!

I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)

That is so true

Its very true

That is very thrue

Wow I really don't get it that was lame everyone knows it

Then why did you vote for it just to say its lame? Its not. And that's your opinion. - XxFoxyMeepzxX

right

Haha, so true

I LOVE IT, I WILL USE IT NEXT TIME I DON'T KNOW AN ANSWER!

Now that I am old, I no longer have to admit I don't know the answers, only that I don't remember them!

Going to say it to my teacher all the time!

I can use this for math tomorrow thanks! ;-)

It seems is a rhetoric question like the quote

I love George Carlin, extremely clever joke!

I'll get those gay men to get out of the closet.

True

That's a little disturbing...

Who RAISED YOU LIKE THAT. That is legit disturbing

Very disturbing to me-strange spider

As soon as I got that I couldn't stop laughing

You hear that? Starve yourself, people!

I think this one is a little funny. Might use it when it is needed.

This should come next and it is hilarious for those who get it

Lol yes I heard of this. I'll say this next time I go for a check-up

Brian Regan is hilaripus

The truth is strong in this one!

That's just mean. Everyone has blank moments. Geez

There are more problems my friend, like, um..

Very funny but true!

I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool

I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.

Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

Then why are there a lot of competitions in their country?

Let's see ya drink away your alcoholism lol

hilarious!

I believe everything in that joke or saying or whatever it was😠🍪.

Ha, I like this one

Why are they so... greedy?

Okay, you got yourself a deal

Hahaa will they come when they are dead

Due to indirect slave systems

How is This even funny? Nothing about this quote makes me laugh. To me this is just wrong...

That make sense

America is awesome! No hate

Charlie Chaplin was a brilliant man, and this quote is bang on. America is a garbage dump filled with armed hillbillies.

Joke for intelligent people!

That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.

Playing with the words!

Perfect..! Used the perfect words perfectly at the perfect time!

Laugh out loud, this is really funny

Then your death will be buttery.

Lol...

No respect.

I won't say that it is funny.. But inspiring.. It is a way of seeing things differently.

That sounds like something I'd say.

This one is amazing I'm definitely gonna use this one

I sometimes say that, haha

So true and relatable, as well as hysterical on its own.

Now this one is easy to understand

That's a no crap quote hallelujah!

I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

Sorry but its not that its " Friendship is like peeing your pants everone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth thanks for being the pee in my pants"

My friend is going to hate me forever!

I was texting my friend once and I sent her this quote.

Lovely really

This is stupidity

I love lamp too

what

Huh maybe she should think about the irony

Laugh out loud... Nice

Holy Jimmy carter.

I wonder what his wife thought of that...but lol😄

L
O
L
!
😂😂😂
I literally laughed way too hard at this. My sis practically yelled at me to calm down

Oh Einstein you are so hot!

Beauty school by Einstein.

Einstein was comical, Tesla was the real genius. - Deranged

This guy is truly a genius.

Lol so true. Hate Barbie

I would have gone and found some sugar and pancakes.

And you will then make peoples lives miserable.

Laughing so hard and don't even know why

I would probably throw it at the wall

Cuz it is the true n very funny at the same time!

It's so true laugh out loud

LOL SO FUNNY!

I love this!

This is funny, but sort of gross!

Pretty Good, To be honest LOL loved it!

This is just TOO Funny!

That's hilarious! This needs to be higher! 😂🤣😎

Or die what ver suites you...😒

This is awesome...and very true!

Then you should live wirelessly!

Agreed

Really true

Ok that is hilarious

"Hey, Steve, what is a good nickname for someone namd Leslie Nielsen? "
"shirley"
"Steve should've recieved 28 nobel prizes by now"

this is hilarious. P.S, I am blonde and in a AP math class as a junior

I'm angry with that answer about blondes! No, it's not true. I'm blonde - and thirteen - and I'm the one correcting your spelling and grammar. I believe you meant this:
I love this one. It reminds me of a blonde, and blondes, don't try to deny it- you know it's true.
Why are there so many stupid, ridiculous, and plain offensive people in the world?

Haha you haven't hit the age where the blonde kicks in yet. Give it a couple years then you won't get this joke anymore. You'll be thinking "what's wrong with asking for the number to dial 911..."

This is hillarious it should be higher

The number is 912, duh

This gives you something to think about

Wow! That is awesome. I like it so much

Definitely one to look out for

Haha! Deserves to be higher!

Who made this quote exactly?

THIS IS A TERRIBLE QUOTE

I know funny, and this is funny... Think about it!

This has left me in stiches

Doesn't that mean do absolutely nothing?

Haha this is absolutely hilarious

Does James himself even know that he became a meme?

Yay

I love George Carlin... That is an extremely witty and funny quote!

Haha, that is a good one!

I love quotes.

Oldie but a goodie.

A amen that is so true?

Yup that's how it should stay

Seriously? I thought you guys were better than that. Gays are human, too, you know.

Well now, the creation story of Adam and Eve is the second creation story in the Bible. The first is the one in which God creates the Universe, the earth and all that there is in six days. Man and woman (no names given) were God's last creation sometime late on the sixth day. These two creation stories are mutually exclusive. (If one happened the other did not.) Unless, of course you believe both occurred on earth only at different locations. Or one happened on earth and since the terms "man" and "woman" are used and no explanation of species...could these be a male and female creation on a different planet? In the first rendition of the two creation stories we are only told of man and woman...no children or any other "beings" with whom their children would have procreation activities in order to further the human race. In the second we are not told where the spouses of the sons of Adam and Eve came from...only that they appeared and well you know the ...more

Now I get it. its funny because R.H. Grenier is making a generalization about generalizations. HYPOCRITE ALERT!

The irony in this statement.