Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings

There are too many of them for them NOT to be put in a list.

The Top Ten

I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".

I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming

That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.

Laugh out loud
That's funny I've never heard that one before

if I say this to a friend he'll say he is disappointed in me for remembering this joke

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!

That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot

And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!

So true and hilarious! The others are ok and I've heard them before, but this was no doubt the funniest quote on this whole page!

I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous

Holy crap are you clown

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!

I like this its funny

And we all fell down
When the sun came up
I think we've had enough

I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.

Wow you're a genius

Haha that is a good one

Now I know the answer for my up and coming test.

USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman

No? REALLY? I had NO idea!

This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman

Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!!

(Sarcastically) Really!? I thought three out of every four people made 90 percent!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous

I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute

I didn't get it at first

I doubt the person who used it once is alive.

I love this. I want to buy a parachute to sell and say this just for fun.

I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde

Mon's only weakness in a nutshell

I think its really clever. I like it!

Not that funny
Why is it number 8?

I don't really get it

Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

Although I'm a women, this is a truly funny quote.

Good but need funnier sayings

This is completely true. Although, I am a woman but still I almost threw up from laughing so hard.

British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books

I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous

Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!

I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)

That is so true

Its very true

When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery

So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book!

I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde

Oh I get it now. ( Just gonna spoil it ) Only one third WORKS but the rest just I don't know

Not a joke, it's the reality :-)

The Contenders

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill

That is very thrue

Wow I really don't get it that was lame everyone knows it

Then why did you vote for it just to say its lame? Its not. And that's your opinion. - XxFoxyMeepzxX

right

Haha, so true

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams

I LOVE IT, I WILL USE IT NEXT TIME I DON'T KNOW AN ANSWER!

Now that I am old, I no longer have to admit I don't know the answers, only that I don't remember them!

Going to say it to my teacher all the time!

I can use this for math tomorrow thanks! ;-)

It seems is a rhetoric question like the quote

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin

I love George Carlin, extremely clever joke!

I'll get those gay men to get out of the closet.

True

A boy looked into his parent's bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"

That's a little disturbing...

Who RAISED YOU LIKE THAT. That is legit disturbing

Very disturbing to me-strange spider

As soon as I got that I couldn't stop laughing

"Don't feed the mouth that bites you." - D.S.

You hear that? Starve yourself, people!

A Man Has Three Good Friends; an Old Wife, Old Dog and Ready Money - Benjamin Franklin
Then the nurse asks me, "how would you rate your pain?" four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan

I think this one is a little funny. Might use it when it is needed.

This should come next and it is hilarious for those who get it

Lol yes I heard of this. I'll say this next time I go for a check-up

Brian Regan is hilaripus

I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are... - John Cleese

The truth is strong in this one!

That's just mean. Everyone has blank moments. Geez

There are more problems my friend, like, um..

Very funny but true!

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool

I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.

Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

Then why are there a lot of competitions in their country?

Alcohol doesn't solve your problems but neither does milk.

Let's see ya drink away your alcoholism lol

hilarious!

I believe everything in that joke or saying or whatever it was😠🍪.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra

Ha, I like this one

Why are they so... greedy?

Okay, you got yourself a deal

Hahaa will they come when they are dead

Born to party but forced to work - Anonymous

Due to indirect slave systems

I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

How is This even funny? Nothing about this quote makes me laugh. To me this is just wrong...

That make sense

America is awesome! No hate

Charlie Chaplin was a brilliant man, and this quote is bang on. America is a garbage dump filled with armed hillbillies.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson

Joke for intelligent people!

That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.

Playing with the words!

Perfect..! Used the perfect words perfectly at the perfect time!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield

Laugh out loud, this is really funny

Then your death will be buttery.

Lol...

No respect.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison

I won't say that it is funny.. But inspiring.. It is a way of seeing things differently.

That sounds like something I'd say.

This one is amazing I'm definitely gonna use this one

I sometimes say that, haha

It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

So true and relatable, as well as hysterical on its own.

Now this one is easy to understand

That's a no crap quote hallelujah!

I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.

Sorry but its not that its " Friendship is like peeing your pants everone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth thanks for being the pee in my pants"

My friend is going to hate me forever!

I was texting my friend once and I sent her this quote.

Lovely really

I love lamp. - Steve Carell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

This is stupidity

I love lamp too

what

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch

Huh maybe she should think about the irony

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter

Laugh out loud... Nice

Holy Jimmy carter.

I wonder what his wife thought of that...but lol😄

L
O
L
!
😂😂😂
I literally laughed way too hard at this. My sis practically yelled at me to calm down

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein

Oh Einstein you are so hot!

Beauty school by Einstein.

Einstein was comical, Tesla was the real genius. - Deranged

This guy is truly a genius.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Lol so true. Hate Barbie

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite

I would have gone and found some sugar and pancakes.

And you will then make peoples lives miserable.

Laughing so hard and don't even know why

I would probably throw it at the wall

Love is like a booger, you keep picking at it until you get it and once you get it you don't know what to do with it.- anonymous

Cuz it is the true n very funny at the same time!

It's so true laugh out loud

LOL SO FUNNY!

I love this!

Constipated people don't give a crap

This is funny, but sort of gross!

Pretty Good, To be honest LOL loved it!

This is just TOO Funny!

That's hilarious! This needs to be higher! 😂🤣😎

Don't drink and drive...you might spill your drink.

Or die what ver suites you...😒

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

This is awesome...and very true!

Then you should live wirelessly!

Agreed

Really true

"I swear to drunk I am not God" - Anonymous

Ok that is hilarious

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. - Leslie Nielsen

"Hey, Steve, what is a good nickname for someone namd Leslie Nielsen? "
"shirley"
"Steve should've recieved 28 nobel prizes by now"

Is mayonnaise an instrument? - Patrick Star
Operator! Give me the number for 911! - Homer Simpson

this is hilarious. P.S, I am blonde and in a AP math class as a junior

I'm angry with that answer about blondes! No, it's not true. I'm blonde - and thirteen - and I'm the one correcting your spelling and grammar. I believe you meant this:
I love this one. It reminds me of a blonde, and blondes, don't try to deny it- you know it's true.
Why are there so many stupid, ridiculous, and plain offensive people in the world?

Haha you haven't hit the age where the blonde kicks in yet. Give it a couple years then you won't get this joke anymore. You'll be thinking "what's wrong with asking for the number to dial 911..."

This is hillarious it should be higher

The number is 912, duh

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld

This gives you something to think about

Wow! That is awesome. I like it so much

Definitely one to look out for

Haha! Deserves to be higher!

It's all s**** and giggles, till someone giggles and s****

Who made this quote exactly?

THIS IS A TERRIBLE QUOTE

I know funny, and this is funny... Think about it!

This has left me in stiches

Procrastinate now. - Ellen Degeneres

Doesn't that mean do absolutely nothing?

Haha this is absolutely hilarious

"I am the table" - James Hetfield

Does James himself even know that he became a meme?

Yay

Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that - George Carlin

I love George Carlin... That is an extremely witty and funny quote!

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut

Haha, that is a good one!

I love quotes.

Oldie but a goodie.

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve - Anonymous

A amen that is so true?

Yup that's how it should stay

Seriously? I thought you guys were better than that. Gays are human, too, you know.

Well now, the creation story of Adam and Eve is the second creation story in the Bible. The first is the one in which God creates the Universe, the earth and all that there is in six days. Man and woman (no names given) were God's last creation sometime late on the sixth day. These two creation stories are mutually exclusive. (If one happened the other did not.) Unless, of course you believe both occurred on earth only at different locations. Or one happened on earth and since the terms "man" and "woman" are used and no explanation of species...could these be a male and female creation on a different planet? In the first rendition of the two creation stories we are only told of man and woman...no children or any other "beings" with whom their children would have procreation activities in order to further the human race. In the second we are not told where the spouses of the sons of Adam and Eve came from...only that they appeared and well you know the ...more

All generalizations are bad. - R.H. Grenier

Now I get it. its funny because R.H. Grenier is making a generalization about generalizations. HYPOCRITE ALERT!

The irony in this statement.

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