Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings

This is so hilarious! I remember I was in math, and I saw something that reminded me of this joke. I laughed so hard my teacher threatened me to go to the principal. I got in trouble... Lots and lots of trouble...

I think that this Quote is very rood

Because some old people have to do

That to get some peoples attention

Because the person that the old people are trying to talk to are either on their phones or watching a movie.

Love this one so much! I remember I once said it to some lady at the funeral and after, she hit me with her Michael Kors purse. And jee, I recommend to never do that, ( It hurt's like real bad ).

It's not funny to think about elders dying. It's sad. I just want them all to be taken care of in a good home and a good family. So shut up. You people are next. On my death list. Now just stop!

Imagine that: Ok guess what I am! Has a heartattack Person whose a total IDIOT: Uh oh! I know your having a heart attack! PErson gwts rushed to the hospital IDIOT: Wow... You got a pretty convincing heart attack buddy... Person: glares

That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot

So true and hilarious! The others are ok and I've heard them before, but this was no doubt the funniest quote on this whole page!

This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!

Yeah, I also heard, 'I swear to drunk I'm not god! ' I love this quote, immensely hilarious!

This is not from Anonymous. It's from M.A.S.H. the quote comes from Hot lips Houlihan aka. Loretta Swit when she gets drunk on duty.

Wasn't it Axl Rose who always said this when he was drunk?

HAHAH I think it deserves to be number one. But if you have never gotten a girl wet b4 you wouldn't understand this brilliant and true statement

I as a woman find this extremely offending and will be coming after the person who wrote this

This is completely true. Although, I am a woman but still I almost threw up from laughing so hard.

So untrue. I know this and as a woman I think that what you are saying is truly about MEN.

Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.

Good one and if you don't get it it means to demitri Martin that he has to give a baby name to them

Now this one's Bob, how about Steven over here, and we'll call this guy little Billy. Perfect!

We should say that to a teacher the next time they ask u to name the presidents.

I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)

Schooling shouldn't matter what should matter is your education that should b the first thing on your list otherwise youll become one of those people that afford the you need to live because you did get a good education which interfere with getting a good job... Trust me I know that's how my family is...

Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!

That is so true

I feel ya buddy...
See that piece of chocolate? You've been saving it but... Ah well whatever I deserve it, right?

It's hilarious and clever altogether. I love it.

Mon's only weakness in a nutshell

I think its really clever. I like it!

Gloriously true, but clever enough that it makes you pause to wrap your miserable head around it. Save Letterman! I applaud you!

(Sarcastically) Really!? I thought three out of every four people made 90 percent!

Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!

This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman

Wow I really don't get it that was lame everyone knows it

Then why did you vote for it just to say its lame? Its not. And that's your opinion.

That is very thrue

Haha, so true

If I only can meet the last person who owned this parachute... Sit beside him/her n explaine to me why need to sell it... Hihihi

I love this. I want to buy a parachute to sell and say this just for fun.

I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute

Amazing quote! Best one that I ever heard (or in this case, read).

Huh maybe she should think about the irony

I love George Carlin, extremely clever joke!

I'll get those gay men to get out of the closet.

Next time don't do something awkward and stupid.

As soon as I got that I couldn't stop laughing

Very disturbing to me-strange spider

That's a little disturbing...

You hear that? Starve yourself, people!

I think this one is a little funny. Might use it when it is needed.

This should come next and it is hilarious for those who get it

Lol yes I heard of this. I'll say this next time I go for a check-up

Brian Regan is hilaripus

That's just mean. Everyone has blank moments. Geez

There are more problems my friend, like, um..

The truth is strong in this one!

Very funny but true!

Let's see ya drink away your alcoholism lol

I believe everything in that joke or saying or whatever it was😠🍪.

I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde

So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book!

Oh I get it now. ( Just gonna spoil it ) Only one third WORKS but the rest just I don't know

That would be about right in most places of work.

I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.

I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool

That's so funny hahaahahaahaha. But only if you know the the book "men are from Mars, women are from venus.

Then why are there a lot of competitions in their country?

Due to indirect slave systems

Charlie Chaplin was a brilliant man, and this quote is bang on. America is a garbage dump filled with armed hillbillies.

So true...
I would bet my last copy of his movies that everyone who posted not liking this quote in the comments is American.

How is This even funny? Nothing about this quote makes me laugh. To me this is just wrong...

How is this funny...? Its insulting america and Jesus Christ as an important prophet... I'm not even christan and I'm righting this :T

Laugh out loud, this is really funny

Then your death will be buttery.