Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings

anonymous There are too many of them for them NOT to be put in a list.

The Top Ten

1 I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".

I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming

That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.

Laugh out loud
That's funny I've never heard that one before

So hilarious! made me tell all the friends I have about this one and they laughed as hard as I did too

V 114 Comments
2 I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!

That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot

And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!

This is the funniest I've ever read

V 21 Comments
3 I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous

Holy crap are you clown

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!

I like this its funny

Badass... - Ananya

V 26 Comments
4 I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.

Wow you're a genius

Haha that is a good one

This is a good one

V 28 Comments
5 USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman

No? REALLY? I had NO idea!

This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman - Ajkloth

Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!! - HezarioSeth

If this was how it was, then the surveryers would be stupid to do any work on this. - Oliveleaf

V 9 Comments
6 For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous

I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute

I doubt the person who used it once is alive.

I didn't get it at first - polynesia

I love this. I want to buy a parachute to sell and say this just for fun. - Catlover2004

V 12 Comments
7 I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde

Mon's only weakness in a nutshell

I think its really clever. I like it!

Not that funny
Why is it number 8?

Great, just great. - Oliveleaf

V 4 Comments
8 Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

Although I'm a women, this is a truly funny quote.

Good but need funnier sayings

British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books

On errathang.

V 24 Comments
9 I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous

Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!

I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)

That is so true

Then you're getting dumb and stupid . - Doge4lifeGaming

V 3 Comments
10 When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery

So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book! - maddyparrot22

I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde

Oh I get it now. ( Just gonna spoil it ) Only one third WORKS but the rest just I don't know

Haha - Oliveleaf

V 6 Comments

The Newcomers

? " A man has to be alert all the time if he expects to keep on breathing. If not, some German son-of-a-b**** will sneak up behind him and beat him to death with a sock full of s***." -George S. Patton

My great uncle saw him make this speech. - TeamRocket747

The Contenders

11 A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill

That is very thrue

Wow I really don't get it that was lame everyone knows it

Then why did you vote for it just to say its lame? Its not. And that's your opinion. - XxFoxyMeepzxX

right

Haha, so true

12 I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams

I LOVE IT, I WILL USE IT NEXT TIME I DON'T KNOW AN ANSWER!

Now that I am old, I no longer have to admit I don't know the answers, only that I don't remember them!

Going to say it to my teacher all the time!

I can use this for math tomorrow thanks! ;-)

You are all stupid

V 9 Comments
13 A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin

I love George Carlin, extremely clever joke! - Flowersocks2137

I'll get those gay men to get out of the closet. - Doge4lifeGaming

True

14 A boy looked into his parent's bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"

That's a little disturbing...

As soon as I got that I couldn't stop laughing

Very disturbing to me-strange spider

Yo! I get that-keila

V 4 Comments
15 "Don't feed the mouth that bites you." - D.S.

You hear that? Starve yourself, people! - GrapeJuiceK

16 A Man Has Three Good Friends; an Old Wife, Old Dog and Ready Money - Benjamin Franklin
17 Then the nurse asks me, "how would you rate your pain?" four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan

I think this one is a little funny. Might use it when it is needed.

This should come next and it is hilarious for those who get it

Lol yes I heard of this. I'll say this next time I go for a check-up - PopcornPelican

And I rate 11/10 IGN. - Doge4lifeGaming

V 3 Comments
18 Don't steal. The government hates competition.

I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool

I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.

Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

Brilliant

V 15 Comments
19 I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are... - John Cleese

The truth is strong in this one!

That's just mean. Everyone has blank moments. Geez

There are more problems my friend, like, um.. - Doge4lifeGaming

Great!

V 4 Comments
20 Alcohol doesn't solve your problems but neither does milk.

Let's see ya drink away your alcoholism lol

I believe everything in that joke or saying or whatever it was😠🍪.

21 Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra

Ha, I like this one

Why are they so... greedy? - Doge4lifeGaming

Hahaa will they come when they are dead

...nice

22 Born to party but forced to work - Anonymous
23 Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson

Joke for intelligent people!

That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.

Playing with the words!

Haha

V 8 Comments
24 I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

How is This even funny? Nothing about this quote makes me laugh. To me this is just wrong...

That make sense

Charlie Chaplin was a brilliant man, and this quote is bang on. America is a garbage dump filled with armed hillbillies.

You bad person.. - Doge4lifeGaming

V 6 Comments
25 I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield

Laugh out loud, this is really funny

Then your death will be buttery. - Doge4lifeGaming

Lol...

No respect.

26 I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison

I won't say that it is funny.. But inspiring.. It is a way of seeing things differently.

That sounds like something I'd say. - PianoQueen

This one is amazing I'm definitely gonna use this one

I sometimes say that, haha

V 1 Comment
27 It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

So true and relatable, as well as hysterical on its own.

That's a no crap quote hallelujah!

I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

True. - PianoQueen

V 1 Comment
28 Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.

Sorry but its not that its " Friendship is like peeing your pants everone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth thanks for being the pee in my pants"

My friend is going to hate me forever!

I was texting my friend once and I sent her this quote. - AnonymousChick

Lovely really

29 I love lamp. - Steve Carell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

This is stupidity

I love lamp too - SansTheComic

what

30 "I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter

Laugh out loud... Nice

Holy Jimmy carter. - TeamRocket747

I wonder what his wife thought of that...but lol😄

31 My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch

Huh maybe she should think about the irony

32 Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein

Oh Einstein you are so hot!

Beauty school by Einstein. - keycha1n

Einstein was comical, Tesla was the real genius. - Deranged

This guy is truly a genius. - RockFashionista

33 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Lol so true. Hate Barbie - PopcornPelican

34 Love is like a booger, you keep picking at it until you get it and once you get it you don't know what to do with it.- anonymous

Cuz it is the true n very funny at the same time!

It's so true laugh out loud

I love this!

35 When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite

I would have gone and found some sugar and pancakes.

And you will then make peoples lives miserable. - Minecraftcrazy530

Laughing so hard and don't even know why

This rule I will live by.

V 4 Comments
36 Constipated people don't give a crap

This is funny, but sort of gross! - funnyuser

Pretty Good, To be honest LOL loved it!

37 Life is too short to remove USB safely.

This is awesome...and very true!

Then you should live wirelessly!

Agreed

Yes!

V 1 Comment
38 Don't drink and drive...you might spill your drink.

Or die what ver suites you...😒

39 "I swear to drunk I am not God" - Anonymous

Ok that is hilarious

40 I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. - Leslie Nielsen

"Hey, Steve, what is a good nickname for someone namd Leslie Nielsen? "
"shirley"
"Steve should've recieved 28 nobel prizes by now" - GrapeJuiceK

41 Is mayonnaise an instrument? - Patrick Star
42 Operator! Give me the number for 911! - Homer Simpson

I'm angry with that answer about blondes! No, it's not true. I'm blonde - and thirteen - and I'm the one correcting your spelling and grammar. I believe you meant this:
I love this one. It reminds me of a blonde, and blondes, don't try to deny it- you know it's true.
Why are there so many stupid, ridiculous, and plain offensive people in the world?

Haha you haven't hit the age where the blonde kicks in yet. Give it a couple years then you won't get this joke anymore. You'll be thinking "what's wrong with asking for the number to dial 911..."

This is hillarious it should be higher

The number is 912, duh - Harri666

Uh, hello. I'm a blonde, and I get the highest grades in my Accelerated math classes. P.S. Look up Elle from Legally Blonde, you HATER.

V 2 Comments
43 Procrastinate now. - Ellen Degeneres

Doesn't that mean do absolutely nothing?

Haha this is absolutely hilarious

44 If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld

This gives you something to think about

Wow! That is awesome. I like it so much

Definitely one to look out for

Haha,it's the only funny quote that I understand

V 2 Comments
45 Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that - George Carlin

I love George Carlin... That is an extremely witty and funny quote! - Flowersocks2137

46 "I am the table" - James Hetfield

Yay

47 Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut

Haha, that is a good one!

Oldie but a goodie.

I love quotes. - PianoQueen

48 All generalizations are bad. - R.H. Grenier

Now I get it. its funny because R.H. Grenier is making a generalization about generalizations. HYPOCRITE ALERT!

The irony in this statement. - PianoQueen

49 Silence is golden....but ducktape is silver!!

I love I out of all of the others

I remember this from Terraria

Every man knows this... A creedo

AWESOME

V 1 Comment
50 It's all s**** and giggles, till someone giggles and s****

Who made this quote exactly?

THIS IS A TERRIBLE QUOTE

I know funny, and this is funny... Think about it!

This.makes.no.sense.at.all.

V 1 Comment
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252 listings
9 years, 282 days old

Top Remixes (8)

1. I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
2. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
3. I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
wolverine7
1. I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
2. A boy looked into his parent's bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"
3. A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin
Elina
1. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
2. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
3. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
HezarioSeth

WRemix
View All 8

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