Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings

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The Contenders: Page 2

21 It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

So true and relatable, as well as hysterical on its own.

That's a no crap quote hallelujah!

I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

Now this one is easy to understand

V 1 Comment
22 I love lamp. - Steve Carell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

This is stupidity

I love lamp too - SansTheComic

what

23 Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.

Sorry but its not that its " Friendship is like peeing your pants everone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth thanks for being the pee in my pants"

My friend is going to hate me forever!

I was texting my friend once and I sent her this quote. - AnonymousChick

Lovely really

24 My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch

Huh maybe she should think about the irony

25 "I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter V 2 Comments
26 Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein

Einstein was comical, Tesla was the real genius. - Deranged

V 3 Comments
27 A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill

That is very thrue

Wow I really don't get it that was lame everyone knows it

Then why did you vote for it just to say its lame? Its not. And that's your opinion. - XxFoxyMeepzxX

Haha, so true

28 When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite

I would have gone and found some sugar and pancakes.

And you will then make peoples lives miserable. - Minecraftcrazy530

Laughing so hard and don't even know why

This rule I will live by.

V 4 Comments
29 Constipated people don't give a crap

This is funny, but sort of gross! - funnyuser

Pretty Good, To be honest LOL loved it!

30 Love is like a booger, you keep picking at it until you get it and once you get it you don't know what to do with it.- anonymous

Cuz it is the true n very funny at the same time!

V 2 Comments
31 Don't drink and drive...you might spill your drink.

Or die what ver suites you...😒

32 "I swear to drunk I am not God" - Anonymous
33 Life is too short to remove USB safely.

This is awesome...and very true!

Then you should live wirelessly!

Agreed

Yes!

V 1 Comment
34 I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. - Leslie Nielsen

"Hey, Steve, what is a good nickname for someone namd Leslie Nielsen? "
"shirley"
"Steve should've recieved 28 nobel prizes by now" - GrapeJuiceK

35 If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld

This gives you something to think about

Wow! That is awesome. I like it so much

Definitely one to look out for

Haha,it's the only funny quote that I understand

V 2 Comments
36 "I am the table" - James Hetfield
37 Procrastinate now. - Ellen Degeneres

Doesn't that mean do absolutely nothing?

Haha this is absolutely hilarious

38 Operator! Give me the number for 911! - Homer Simpson

I'm angry with that answer about blondes! No, it's not true. I'm blonde - and thirteen - and I'm the one correcting your spelling and grammar. I believe you meant this:
I love this one. It reminds me of a blonde, and blondes, don't try to deny it- you know it's true.
Why are there so many stupid, ridiculous, and plain offensive people in the world?

Haha you haven't hit the age where the blonde kicks in yet. Give it a couple years then you won't get this joke anymore. You'll be thinking "what's wrong with asking for the number to dial 911..."

This is funny I'm blond and smartest in class

I love this one It reminds of a blond and blinds don't try to denie it you no it's true

V 2 Comments
39 Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut V 3 Comments
40 Don't be so humble - you are not that great. - Golda Meir

This reminds me of someone at my school - funnyuser

And that's why we need to have girls as our prime ministers

V 1 Comment
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Top Remixes (7)

1. I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
2. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
3. I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
wolverine7
1. I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
2. A boy looked into his parent's bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"
3. A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin
Elina
1. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
2. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
3. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
HezarioSeth

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