Top 10 Best Family Guy Quotes

The best one-liners that come from the most irreverent show on network television. The writers can only get away with all the stuff they do because it is animated.
The Top Ten
1 "You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert." - Peter

Fabulous! So funny that it makes me laugh every single time! I watch it over and over again, and I still burst out laughing!

Hilarious. Funniest quote I've heard in a while. I love you, Peter Griffin, even though you are on a cartoon television show.

It's awesome, and I laugh my butt off every time I see that episode.

2 "Giggity giggity giggity." - Quagmire

This is simply hilarious! It should trade places with #4 because this is Quagmire's better-known catchphrase. (I personally thought that one was funnier than this one, but you know, a classic is a classic...) You go, Quagmire.

If Quagmire didn't exist, the show, and the world as we know it, would implode into a black hole. In my humble opinion.

Quagmire is a character unthinkable for any homo sapien, I am sure!

3 "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Lois, this is not my Batman glass." - Peter
4 "Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois... Hi." - Stewie

Oh, my mom loves this. I joke around with her until it actually starts to get annoying.

This should be #1. My whole family thinks this is funny.

Great episode. I think it was Stewie Loves Lois in Season 5.

5 "Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time." - Quagmire

Oh my God, I saw that episode... So funny!

Where did it get stuck last time? O_O

And kids, this is why you use lube!

6 "The life of the wife is ended by the knife." - Stewie
7 "Because you touch yourself at night." - Museum Tour Guide

This one will never get old. Genius. All of the catchphrases are so boring now, but this one is so damn hilarious! Love it!

I use this one all the time when I want to shut someone up!

This one cracks me up every time!

8 "So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?" - Stewie

Most epic quote. I physically shot Pepsi out of my nose when I saw it.

Actually made me poke my head out of the kitchen and ask, "What did he just say?"

Best quote of the whole series, by far.

9 "I've got an idea - an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about." - Peter

Yup. Definitely a classic. "Leafers!"

Family Guy should certainly stick to their classic jokes, not the ridiculousness they've now resorted to.

This is where it all falls apart. I mean, come on. Let the man of the house talk. Laugh out loud.

I agree with everyone here. This is a classic quote.

10 "Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it." - Stewie

This and when Stewie says that he's always wanted to have a sexy party. He's great.

The Contenders
11 "Eh, you're overreacting Lois, and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl." - Peter
12 "Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster." - Stewie

Stewie is my favorite. Love his diaper moments.

13 "Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually." - Peter

Should definitely be higher up! I love this one!

14 "Oh, Brian, I can't wait 'til after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period." - Stewie
15 "Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher!" - Peter

Love it! My fiancé and I first bonded over our love of this show and still to this day randomly start shouting this line. Always brings a smile to both of our faces. Two thumbs up!

This is probably my favorite Family Guy reference of all. I also love Roadhouse. That's high on the list too.

16 "Yes, we're gonna douche the night away." - Stewie
17 "Shut up, Meg." - Peter

This was one of the best Family Guy moments ever, when Peter goes feral and Meg "saves" him.

18 "All right, all right, make like Siamese twins and split... And then one of you die." - Peter
19 "Alright, everyone but Chris keep your pants on and let's figure this out." - Herbert the Pervert
20 "No, Quagmire, we're not supposed to!" - Peter

Reminds me of my husband and his friends. Peter Griffin is my husband's alter ego for sure. I can relate to this show far too often.

21 "Her fists are so dangerous she's not allowed to be a lesbian." - Brian
22 "Lois, men aren't fat, only fat women are fat." - Peter
23 "I'd do her... do her... wouldn't do her... Whew! Who hasn't done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we'll talk." - Stewie
24 "Hey guys, wanna go play some base...ball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate." - Peter
25 "I'll be Charlie and all of you can be my angels. Except you. You be Bosley." - Peter
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