Best Simpsons Quotes

The best quotes from the wittiest and most quotable show on television.

The Top Ten

1 Doh - Homer Simpson

This quote is in the Oxford dictionary. That's how popular it is

Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door?

Homer: DOH!

Marge: Homer, when you remembered to lock the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?

Homer: DOH! DOH!

Lisa: we forgot grampa back at the gas station! what bout gramps?


The most common quote used is always the best one. A nice classic one that is repeated several times!

2 Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidentally' with 'repeatedly' and replace 'dog' with 'son.' - Lionel Hutz

Replace dog with son! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

Ah, Lionel Hutz. Funny and humorous great character.

Best quote by Lionel hutz ever, when I heard it I had to think about it for a second and then I just started laughing my head off hahahahah... Wait did he say son and repeatedly... Hahahahah

RIP Phil Hartman. Funniest man ever

3 Me fail English? That's unpossible! - Ralph Wiggum

My dad and I watch The Simpsons together all the time and this is one of our favorite quotes! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

Ralph wiggum for life!

Ralph awesome!

This is only 14?! That's unpossible!

4 I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. - Homer Simpson

Me to homer, me to! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

Hear hear!

Typical slacker moment. Haw haw!

One of my favorite quotes in simpsons history. And bravo to the simpson's, not lote of shows last for 500th episodes

1 Comment
5 Just once I'd like someone to call me 'Sir' without adding 'You're making a scene.' - Homer Simpson

I guess this has to be my favorite Simpson's quote of all time.

I have made a list of my favourite homer simpsons qoutes so look at that and I forgot to put this one in so add it in and when homer said that I never seen the episode one of the few I have missed - aido17

I guess you CAN vote twice. Awesome... I love this quite too! What if I just vote in everything? - Lina1028

This is my all-time favorite quote. I've even used it at times.

6 Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean not that fancy store bought dirt. That stuffs loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff. - Moe Szyslak

Funny as... Moe is my favourite character, because he says loads of weird and disturbing things! E. G I'm gonna getcha brain juice and use it to paint my walls! L O L

Really depressing but hilarious. - Toms_system

MOE is also my favorite. Such misery wrapped in hideous disgust.

Also love the Crustyman. Such Schamltz weaved into corny and greedy narcissism

7 "Owww look at me Marge, I'm making people Happy! I'm the magical man, from Happy Land, who lives in a gumdrop house on Lolly Pop Lane!!!!...... By the way I was being sarcastic..." - Homer Simpson

This has gotta be one of my favorite Simpsons quotes ever! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

It's an awesome quote that is even better when you hear the inflections in his voice and see that he leaves the room, then comes back in to add, "By the way, I was being sarcastic" with total sincerity. Marge's come-back is a classic part of the quote: "Well, duh. "

When I heard this quote on T.V., I couldn't stop laughing. It is got to be my favourite quote of the Simpsons. Homer simpson you are one of the legends

Why is this 7th?!? It should be at least be second or third.

8 Hello, my name is mister Burns, I believe you have a letter for me. [P.O. Worker: Ok Mr. Burns, what's your first name?] I don't know... - Homer Simpson

"i don't know" I die at this, every time! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

Haw haw
- Nelson Muntz

I don't know... Haha, priceless

Haw haw

9 I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems scary and wierd. It'll happen to you. - Abe Simpson

Honestly He's just a funny character.

Factual quote. Aging is wise and ugly.

This is sort of scary, but there is wisdom to Abe Simpsons' saying. It's about growing older, and the inevitability of loosing touch with hipness.

Funny and True : )

1 Comment
10 You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel. - Homer Simpson, when on the phone

Ha ha! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

Legs and EARS?

Haw haw!

That's something I would say, but would add, I'm also wearing a sombrero!


The Contenders

11 Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender-monkeys! - Willie

Willie is so funny and his accent doe. that's not what Scottish people sound like and I know cause I'm British

I’d take French if groundskeeper Willie was the teacher. - MJfan119

12 They call them fingers but I?ve never seen them fing...Oh, there they go. - Otto the Bus Driver

Hoo hoo!

13 I don't hate your mother, Marge. I just wouldn't be sad if she died. - Homer

One of my favorite things to say to my brother is 'I'm not saying I hate you, I just wouldn't be sad if you died.' For a few years, I was wondering were I got this from. Then I started watching The Simpson's again! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

I felt that way when my grandpa died

Haha funny because its true! we've all felt that way at some time about someone right?

Marge never felt sad when Homer's Mum died anyway. Marge can be a very rude and unsympathetic bitch!

14 This is my sandbox, I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. - Ralph Wiggum

ha ha - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

I died at this part

15 Hello. I?m Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It?s all lies. But they?re entertaining lies. And in the end, isn?t that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Holy crap! Why isint this higher this is hilarious haha

16 That's where I saw the leprechaun... He told me to burn things. - Ralph Wiggum

And did you? - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

Oh gosh wiggum

One of my Favourites, lol

17 To alcohol! The cause of - and the solution to - all life's problems! - Homer Simpson

The good thing about Homer is that he says what everyone's thinking! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

No comment necessary. Homer speaks volumes.

A classic, enough said.

He speaks the truth

18 Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! - Ralph Wiggum

omg this had me laughing for ages - whufc

So love this quote it gives me so many laughs and I never watched the episode

This was when he was on he computer thing when lisa came in.

Classic Ralph, too funny

19 I am the lizard queen! - Lisa Simpson

Hail to the Lizard Queen! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

The real Lisa Simpson is the Lizard Queen!

Long live the Lizard Queen!

I suppose Lisa Simpson will be remembered as the Lizard Queen.

20 I choo choo choose you - Ralph Wiggum

It's: You choo choo choose me?

21 We are just slowly dying. - Homer Simpson
22 English, who needs that? I'm never going to England - Homer Simpson

HA HA HA! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

Funniest thing Homer's ever said! 🤣 - def_leppard_fan

I live in England

Ok I don't know any of you /
I've the flu
And funniest thing,...
Now - return to dying.
It was perfect. Kid came in. Mummydearest how can I help? Oh can I help you find your wallet?

23 How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me? - Homer Simpson

Hm... *Insert Jeopardy thinking music here* - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

It's funny because the stupidest person said it.

24 Bart: Dad You Killed Zombie Flanders! Homer: He Was A Zombie?

Funny because Flanders sucks.

25 Ha-ha - Nelson

Our home phone makes a sound like this when we put it on it's charger so, ever since we were little, my siblings and I always say 'Ha ha' when we put our phone back! That then evolved into a competition of who could get the best sounding impression! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

That quote should be number two after Homer's ICONIC quote.


My friends dad can do a lovely impression

26 Eat my shorts - Bart Simpson

I don't know why they removed this - Unnamed Google User Remade

Eat my shorts! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior


How on earth is this so low? I mean this is the second best after "'Oh! "... Come on people eat my shorts is just awesome!

27 Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that. - Homer Simpson

Was I one of them? - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

0.7% people voted for this - gemcloben

The least you could do is 2 get the quote right

28 Back in Edinburg, we had a coal miners strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive, not even Willie! - Groundskeeper Willie

So how is he still here then...*Insert jeopardy thinking music* - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

Chalmers after this is so funny. "SKINNER! I hate to interrupt your advice from THE JANITOR... "

29 I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman. - Homer Simpson

Homer logic: Superman=Jesus - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

Eh, Marvel’s better anyway! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

One can only hope Homeboy. - hhutc9

I usually say that but with Maynard James Keenan - CrypticDeath666

30 If you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half assed, that's the american way- Homer Simpson

Umm to the comments no you can just quit and get another job.
Oh wait that was the Baby Boomers when they didn't have them stupid CVs, it was easier to get a job

That's my way! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

One of thousands of cultural references that speak the truth and let you laugh at the same time. - mgenet

A surreal testimony to the third rate nation the U. S. has become.

31 Brothers and sisters are natural enemies, Like Englishmen and Scots, Welshmen and Scots, Or Japanese and Scots, Or Scots and Scots, Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland!

Kills me every time - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

This is even funnier if you're a Scot and reading this (yeah, I'm Scottish) - TwilightKitsune

I feel sorry for the scottish, but it is kind of true

Nobody wrote it but I assume it's willie

32 I Call the Big One Bitey - Homer Simpson

Hang on a minute. Isn't this one of Matt Groening's all time favorite quotes? Shouldn't this be higher? Oh well...

33 I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron! - Homer Simpson

I ROFL'd at this for hours! - nic1997ps3

Which episode was this?

It is the funniest Simpson line ever

HAHAAHA I love this one

34 Look! I'm a unitard! - Ralph dressed as a unicorn
35 If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time. - Lisa Simpson
36 What do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking something like No TV and No Beer Make Homer Something Something. [Marge: Go Crazy?] Don't mind if I do! (goes crazy) - Homer Simpson

Now that would be me to! - oceanbreezetheawesomewarrior

LOL XD Homer is a legende - Snowflake1992

Homer is by far the best!

Whop, whop whop.. Nanananagaagaa.. Wabububub...

37 Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing.&quo

Ahh Mr. Burns... Eases the pain.

38 I'm already feeling like a chicken, I just made an egg in my pants - Ralph Wiggum at a chicken pox party
39 I am so smart, I am so smart, S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T! - Homer

Also an accident but added to the script.

At the same time he burnt his high school diploma and started a fire.

40 Bart Simpson: I just have one question about hair: where does mine start? Head, head, head... hair? Where's the border? Lisa Simpson: Oh, my God! Me too!
41 I think he's talking to you. - Homer (Mr. Thompson)

That was a truly hilarious scene. Good job remembering that quote!

For those who don't know, he was getting his name changed.

42 Ay caramba! - Bart Simpson

It is awesome! Should be number 1."

43 My cat Mittens smells like cat food - Ralph Wiggum
44 What?s a wedding? Webster?s dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one?s garden. - Homer Simpson


45 Can you open my milk Mommy? - Ralph Wiggum
46 Close your eyes, Marge. I have a surprise for you - Homer Simpson (whilst pointing a gun at her face)
47 Donuts is there anything they can't do. - Homer Simpson
48 Chew through my ball sack. - Principal Skinner while tied up in a dodge ball sack

This has to be one of the most funniest things I have ever heard in a long time. Honestly I was rolling around with tears in my eyes. Thank you "SKINNER"

Which ball sack, Mr. Skinner? - SwagFlicks

49 There, pretty as a picture ... Ach! Zombies! ... There, pretty as a picture. - Groundskeeper Willie
50 Let's see... Farmer Billy's smoke-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's travel bacon... Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns! - Apu

Thank you for making this list.
Thank you for adding this hilarious quote to the list.
Thank you for writing this episode.
Thank you, and please come again!

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Best Homer Simpson Quotes Best Simpsons Movie Quotes Best Bart Simpson Quotes Best Marge Simpson Quotes Best Lisa Simpson Quotes

List Stats

3,000 votes
177 listings
13 years, 331 days old

Top Remixes (10)

1. Doh - Homer Simpson
2. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! - Ralph Wiggum
3. I choo choo choose you - Ralph Wiggum
1. "Owww look at me Marge, I'm making people Happy! I'm the magical man, from Happy Land, who lives in a gumdrop house on Lolly Pop Lane!!!!...... By the way I was being sarcastic..." - Homer Simpson
2. English, who needs that? I'm never going to England - Homer Simpson
3. Me fail English? That's unpossible! - Ralph Wiggum
1. Doh - Homer Simpson
2. Me fail English? That's unpossible! - Ralph Wiggum
3. I Call the Big One Bitey - Homer Simpson

View All 10

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