The Top Ten Family Guy Quotes

The best one liners from the most irreverant show on network television. Only because it is animated do the writers get away with all the stuff they do.

The Top Ten

1 You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin

This is pretty darn hilarious - Celestius

Fabulous! So funny that it makes me laugh every single time! Watch it over and over again and I still burst out laughing!

Tears of laughter everywhere - peter is such an idiot and comedian at the same time

This is godly, no wonder people used to like family guy - kempokid

V 12 Comments
2 Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin

haha i just watched that episode, came here, and saw this.. it was so funny.

Haha that's truly funny

One of my other favourite quotes from Peter Griffin lol

Classic Peter. And so relateable

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3 Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie

This should be #1 My whole family think's this is funny. - westofohio

Oh, my mom loves this. I joke around with her. Until it actually starts to get annoying.

Stewie is a speck of Eminem and a whole load of crazy put together

MOM. MOM. MOMMY. MOMMY. Still gets me.

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4 Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire

giggity giggity, all right - Razor79

If Quagmire didn't exist, the show, and the world as we know it, would implode into a black hole. In my humble opinion

how could this not make number 1 or at least 2 man! - manglercmj

This is classic. This deserves #1. This MAKES Quagmire. - maarilynmaanson

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5 Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time. - Glen Quagmire

A 'hard' one not to vote for! Giggigity, giggity, giggity!!! - MCW1966

Hilarious amazing best ever watch it forever now NOW ASDRASHDSEDRSGNDFA anyway this is like the best easily so vote for it everyone

Where did it get tuck last time? O_O

"This time" killed me

V 8 Comments
6 Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died

This one cracks me up every time!

This one will never get old. Genius. All of the catchphrases are so boring now, but this one is so god damn hilarious! Love it!

I use this one all the time when I want to shut someone up! - theOpinionatedOne

LOLOL I'm gonna use that line whenever I'm asked a question like that

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7 The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin

That episode was on yesterday

Man this one is the best from Stewie

Love it laugh out loud

That's so good

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8 I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about. - Peter Griffin

This is where it all falls out.. I mean come on.. Let the man of the house talk.. Laugh out loud

This is something that Fry would say in Futurama and I still love it.
It's just so funny, I mean come on guys and gals

Yup. Definitely a classic. "Leafers! "

Family guy should certainly stick to the their classic jokes. Not the ridiculousness they've now resorted to.

lol - 12cc

V 1 Comment
9 So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house)

Actually made me poke my head out of the kitchen and ask, "What did he just say? "

Most epic quote, I physically shot Pepsi out of my nose when I saw it.

Stewie is a pervert inside a lil boy body

Best quote of the whole series by far.

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10 Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. - Stewie Griffin

Stewie is the best

Thi is so funny I making a little gift myself

Peter would probley think it was a toaster

Lois: Meg will you change Stewie?
Meg: ok mom, but if the phone rings and it's a boy. Please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy. - MJfan119

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The Contenders

11 Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter

It's funny 'cause it's true!

Funny

12 Buttscratcher! Buttscrather! Buttscratcher! - Peter Griffin

I love this! I always say it! And shapoopi hahahaha BUTT SCRATCHER! Family guy is totally awesome :-) oh god I need to go watch family guy now!

Love it! My fiance and I first bonded over our love of this show and still to this day randomly start shouting this line. Always brings a smile to both of our faces. Two Thumbs Up!

This is probably my favorite Family Guy reference of all. I also love Roadhouse; that's high on the list too.

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13 Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it. - Stewie Griffin

This is by far my favorite moment of family guy

This and when Stewie says that he's always wanted to have a sexy party. He's great

Hi, this is Anne Curtis
..could you give us next time a quotes that is all about love? Haha.thank U..

14 Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. - Peter Griffin

Should definitely be higher up! I love this one!

Word up.

That should be number one. The herpes from a toilet seat isn't even on here but should be second.

15 Oh, Brian, I can't wait 'til after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period. - Stewie Griffin

Love this one, especially Brian's reaction to it afterward

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16 Yes, we're gonna douche the night away. - Stewie Griffin

Wow...

Love Stewie

Lol!

17 Alright everyone but Chris keep your pants on and lets figure this out. - Herbert the Pervert

I can do a good herbert impression

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18 All right, all right, make like Siamese twins and split... And then one of you die. - Peter Griffin
19 No Quagmire, we're not esupposed to! - Peter

Reminds me of my husband and his friends. Peter griffin is my husbands alter ego for sure. I can relate to this show far too often.

V 1 Comment
20 Her fists are so dangerous she's not allowed to be a lesbian. - Brian Griffin

About diere jackson the female boxer, definitely one of the funniest

V 1 Comment
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List StatsUpdated 17 Aug 2017

5,000 votes
212 listings
11 years, 251 days old

Top Remixes (11)

1. The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin
2. Her fists are so dangerous she's not allowed to be a lesbian. - Brian Griffin
3. Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter
lukestheman4
1. Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire
2. Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died
3. No Quagmire, we're not esupposed to! - Peter
TheStupidHobo
1. You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin
2. Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie
3. Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin
EpicJake

WRemix
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