The Top Ten Family Guy Quotes

The best one liners from the most irreverant show on network television. Only because it is animated do the writers get away with all the stuff they do.

The Top Ten

1 You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin

This is pretty darn hilarious - Celestius

Peter Griffin is STUPID!

Fabulous! So funny that it makes me laugh every single time! Watch it over and over again and I still burst out laughing!

Tears of laughter everywhere - peter is such an idiot and comedian at the same time

16 Comments
2 Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire

Giggity giggity goo!

giggity giggity, all right - Razor79

If Quagmire didn't exist, the show, and the world as we know it, would implode into a black hole. In my humble opinion

how could this not make number 1 or at least 2 man! - manglercmj

18 Comments
3 Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin

haha i just watched that episode, came here, and saw this.. it was so funny.

Haha that's truly funny

One of my other favourite quotes from Peter Griffin lol

I died when I saw this episode

5 Comments
4 Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie

This should be #1 My whole family think's this is funny. - westofohio

Oh, my mom loves this. I joke around with her. Until it actually starts to get annoying.

Back when family was still good. - Ilikegames

Stewie is a speck of Eminem and a whole load of crazy put together

19 Comments
5 Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time. - Glen Quagmire

It is hilarious 1,000

A 'hard' one not to vote for! Giggigity, giggity, giggity!!! - MCW1966

Hilarious amazing best ever watch it forever now NOW ASDRASHDSEDRSGNDFA anyway this is like the best easily so vote for it everyone

On the floor funny, what sells the joke to me is that he says this time which implies this is a common thing

10 Comments
6 Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died

This one cracks me up every time!

This one will never get old. Genius. All of the catchphrases are so boring now, but this one is so god damn hilarious! Love it!

I use this one all the time when I want to shut someone up! - theOpinionatedOne

This is first by far

1 Comment
7 The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin

That episode was on yesterday

That's so good

Man this one is the best from Stewie

Love it laugh out loud

3 Comments
8 I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about. - Peter Griffin

This is where it all falls out.. I mean come on.. Let the man of the house talk.. Laugh out loud

This is something that Fry would say in Futurama and I still love it.
It's just so funny, I mean come on guys and gals

Yup. Definitely a classic. "Leafers! "

Family guy should certainly stick to the their classic jokes. Not the ridiculousness they've now resorted to.

I agree with everyone here. This IS a classic quote.

9 So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house)

Haha

Actually made me poke my head out of the kitchen and ask, "What did he just say? "

Most epic quote, I physically shot Pepsi out of my nose when I saw it.

Stewie is a pervert inside a lil boy body

3 Comments
10 Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. - Stewie Griffin

Wow

Stewie is the best

Thi is so funny I making a little gift myself

Peter would probley think it was a toaster

5 Comments

The Contenders

11 Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it. - Stewie Griffin

This is by far my favorite moment of family guy

This and when Stewie says that he's always wanted to have a sexy party. He's great

Hi, this is Anne Curtis
..could you give us next time a quotes that is all about love? Haha.thank U..

12 Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter

It's funny 'cause it's true!

Funny

13 Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. - Peter Griffin

Should definitely be higher up! I love this one!

Word up.

That should be number one. The herpes from a toilet seat isn't even on here but should be second.

14 Buttscratcher! Buttscrather! Buttscratcher! - Peter Griffin

I love this! I always say it! And shapoopi hahahaha BUTT SCRATCHER! Family guy is totally awesome :-) oh god I need to go watch family guy now!

Love it! My fiance and I first bonded over our love of this show and still to this day randomly start shouting this line. Always brings a smile to both of our faces. Two Thumbs Up!

Get your buttscratcher here! :D

This is probably my favorite Family Guy reference of all. I also love Roadhouse; that's high on the list too.

1 Comment
15 Oh, Brian, I can't wait 'til after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period. - Stewie Griffin

Love this one, especially Brian's reaction to it afterward

That one got it all love it

16 Shut up, Meg - Peter Griffin

This was one of the best family guy moments ever, when peter goes feral and meg "saves" him

17 Yes, we're gonna douche the night away. - Stewie Griffin

Wow...

Love Stewie

Lol!

18 All right, all right, make like Siamese twins and split... And then one of you die. - Peter Griffin

This is just too funny

19 Alright everyone but Chris keep your pants on and lets figure this out. - Herbert the Pervert

This is the best quote ever!

I can do a good herbert impression

Damn feel good to be leader

Herbert is just... wow

20 No Quagmire, we're not esupposed to! - Peter

Reminds me of my husband and his friends. Peter griffin is my husbands alter ego for sure. I can relate to this show far too often.

Funny from season 8? I think

21 Her fists are so dangerous she's not allowed to be a lesbian. - Brian Griffin

Wow, this is hilarious - Ajkloth

About diere jackson the female boxer, definitely one of the funniest

22 Lois men aren't fat only fat women are fat- Peter

Screw that Peter Fat Bastard Griffin! He's a jerk!

Sad but true - Cosmic558

23 I'd do her... do her... wouldn't do her.... Whew! who hasn't done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we'll talk... - Stewie Griffin

LOVE THIS ONE IT'S SO FUNNY LAUGHED HYSTERICALLY FIRST TIME

LOL!

24 (Peter falling down the stairs) F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** F***
25 I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won't learn anything. - Brian

This was around the time when Brian was used as a more intelligent character to Peter's idiocy. In any case, good stuff.

26 Hey guys, wanna go play some base-(voice drops) ball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate - When Peter goes through puberty

hilarious - elpy

27 NONONONONONO! - Cleveland

Nononononono I can't feel my legs welcome to the party mister oh wait there they are aww

WUT the HAYL?! No no no No no NOO! Haha don't take a bath while Peter is doing his daily shenanigans - MeaganSaysHI

Uh uh I don't get it... (Cleveland Show reference if you were wondering... )

This is just filler.. Zlsdkjf ;ilsr;xmclkv - alexschubert

HOW THIS ISN´T IN THE TOP 5?

28 (to a bus load of girls) I'll be Charlie and all of you can be my angels. Except you. You be Bosley.- Peter
29 Peter: 'OMG, Brain there's a message in my Alphabits, it says Ooooooooo', Brian : Peter, those are Cherios

Best quote ever

This quote is a true reminder of the inner idiot that lies within Peter Griffin

30 Dammit! I'm missing Boy Meets World for this? - Herbert the Pervert
31 Oh I was not aware that you can see the future Lois, can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number. - Peter Griffin
32 Cool Whip! - Stewie

Come on this is a classic... One of the best! Laugh out loud

Coo whip is so funny with him it could be someone dieing and then mentioning coo whip and I would die laughing

I love this one so much. Cool whip

cool hwip

33 Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find... I shall kill you. - Stewie Griffin

So true it is anoying even for a kid

34 Hey there, you like popscicles? I got a whole cellar full of popscicles. - Herbert the Pervert

Should be number one comes up in every family guy conversation I've ever had

Say this all the time should be higher up... Along with saying stroke stroke stroke

Funniest Family Guy quote ever. Makes me laugh whenever I hear it and hear Hebert's lisp

35 I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. - Quagmire

So wrong but so funny... Quagmire needs is own show

36 I have spoken!!! - Peter Griffin

Laugh out loud this episode makes me chuckle! Es

37 What the deuce? - Stewie Griffin

This should definitely have been first. My favourite one in the whole show!

And its on 50?! This and, 'oh harsh, you just got bumped down to coconut mint! '

I agree. This should be in the top 5!

Wait really what's a douch

38 The government is here! Run, E.T.! Run! - Chris

Yes

Lol awesome

39 A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister. - Peter to rehab counselor
40 I'm going to turn you into poo! - Chris
41 I'd leave my ass behind if it wasn't so perfectly attached to my sternum. - Peter

Peter when he selectively decides to say something smart. - theOpinionatedOne

42 I can't eat this it'll go straight to my vagina. That what girls worrie about right? Having big vaginas?- Stewie

This just crosses so many lines on so many levels, it is just art!

43 Oh God, It's everywhere.... It's even in my racoon wounds! - Peter Griffin

After Peter get knocked over in a portable toilet.

This should be way higher on the list

44 That was 'Me Farting by Chopin?' (Stewie after accidentally farting while playing the French horn)

Saw this last night for the first time - I was still laughing about it this morning!

Been laughing about it 4 a while!

45 You can't be ugly and play hard to get, it doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want! - Peter Griffin

My day just went from alright to fantastic, how he comes up with this stuff

This is by far the best quote could have used this line so many times

This one is true

Why is this only 45 lol.

4 Comments
46 Is this about Meg's cervical cancer? - Peter Griffin
47 Baba Booey! Baba Booey! Howard Stern's penis! - Peter Griffin

Oh my god peter has nevr been that immature has he? Who'd he say it to anyway

48 Hello there, Kyle. You like nice today. I see you're wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze. Would like to come in for a glass of wine and a cupcake? - Herbert
49 Been working on that novel huh? Been working on that for three years now right? Gonna, gonna get that done? You know that novel, that novel you where making where friends become enemies and enemies become friends. You gonna get that done right? -Stewie

This was suppose to be number one.. I love this, and the face stewie makes when he says it.. Haha

Most definitely one of my favorite episodes ever!

50 Lois: It's so true, women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.
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5,000 votes
213 listings
13 years, 318 days old

Top Remixes (12)

1. The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin
2. Her fists are so dangerous she's not allowed to be a lesbian. - Brian Griffin
3. Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter
lukestheman4
1. Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire
2. Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died
3. No Quagmire, we're not esupposed to! - Peter
TheStupidHobo
1. You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin
2. Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie
3. Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin
EpicJake

WRemix
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