Top 10 Stupidest Ways to Attack Someone

Smash them in the face with the largest feather you can find

I see you're contemplating options concerning a certain lab report.

Can you do it without leaving a mark?

FEEL THE WRATH OF GOOSE DOWN!

Jump from a chopper 50,000 feet above them and try to land on them

You could miss them and get hurt pretty badly. This may even cause death. So, don't even THINK about doing this.

Dip your fingers in battery acid and then poke them

Extremely effective, hurts them more than you!

Throw a soft ball at them in the hope that it will explode in a matter of seconds

I'd prefer a red one. Their explosions are bigger than their blue counterparts.

Hold on a minute, could you just hold onto that? takes cover

Try to raise a dinosaur from the dead in order to get your victim

Isn't that a little bit too complicated? Can't you resurrect something closer to now? How about a Dodo Bird?

I guess I'll have to travel back in time and bring out a T-Rex to kill someone.

Rex, we summon your soul from the Underworld to defeat this ponce.

Club them hard on the head with a panini

Kick them extremely slowly

This brings to mind memories of my incredibly awkward childhood. I'd rather not elaborate.

Maybe you should've been born as a sloth instead.

If a sloth tried to attack, this would be it.

Play Justin Bieber in their ears

Try to coax them into a car compactor

Hey, buddy, I seem to have left my hat in there. Would you be so kind as to get it for me? Oh, this button doesn't really do anything.

Are you trying to reference Goldfinger? With the hat and all.

Try to sit on them while they are standing up

If you happen to have a group of people around you in a tight circle, this could quickly turn into a bunch of people sitting on each other while being sat on by someone else.

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Try to summon an anime character to help you

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Play YouTube Rewind 2018 to them

Smack them with your genitals

Now I have an awful image in my head...

That's the thing about this list.

Why would you do this? It would hurt you more than them and probably really gross them out.

Yell "I'm going to attack you" and then lightly tap them on the nose

Throw a Death Note at them

Random Guy: I'll take a Death Note and throw it at that noob over there!
Me: Um, excuse me, that's not how you use a Death Note.
Random Guy: So you're calling me a noob? How about I throw this at you?! (throws the Death Note at me).
Me: So you thought throwing a Death Note at me would kill me, huh? Unfortunately for you, NOOB, I actually KNOW HOW TO USE THIS. I guess I'm the new Kira now! You are as insignificant as the potato chip I just took and ate!

Man: I'll go throw this Death Note at that jerk over there.
Me: That's not how you use a Death Note...
Man: Whatever. At least I'll try. (throws Death Note)
Jerk: What is this? A Death Note? Some idiot tried to kill me with this! Ha! It didn't work, punk. I actually know how to use this and I'll kill you with it!
Man: NO!

Attempt to pick them up by a single hair

Try to go Super Saiyan and then do a Kamehameha

Everyone who loved Dragon Ball Z probably always wanted to do this.

Try to shoot a bullet through yourself to hit them

Hit them in the face with a book

Slap them in slow motion

Sneeze on them

Once, a girl sitting next to me sneezed on me. My friend was laughing. God, it was gross!

Could work if you have an infectious disease.

It's annoying when that happens.

Poke them

Stuff a chicken wing up their nose

Well, this should be easy, when he's got such big nostrils!

Hit them with a wiffle bat

Throw a piece of paper at them with intent to give them a paper cut

What a great idea! I'll try it sometime.

Throw a corn dog at them

Stab them with a tiny paperclip

Man: I'm gonna stab you with this tiny paperclip. pokes some random guy
Random Guy: ...?