Top 10 Stupidest Ways to Attack Someone

The Top Ten
1 Get the largest feather you can find and smash it in their face

Can you do it without leaving a mark?

I don't think I will make it.

I see you're contemplating options concerning a certain lab report.

2 Jump from a chopper 50,000 feet above them and try to land on them

You could miss them and get hurt pretty badly. This may even cause death. So, don't even THINK about doing this.

Oh my God, that would kill them.

*Misses by a centimeter.*

3 Dip your fingers in battery acid and then poke them

Extremely effective, hurts them more than you!

That would hurt you more.

Wouldn't that burn?

4 Throw a soft ball at them in the hope that it will explode in a matter of seconds

I'd prefer a red one. Their explosions are bigger than their blue counterparts.

5 Club them hard on the head with a panini

Focaccia is also acceptable.

I can't stop laughing.

They are going to eat it.

6 Try to raise a dinosaur from the dead in order to get your victim

Isn't that a little bit too complicated? Can't you resurrect something closer to now? How about a Dodo Bird?

I guess I'll have to travel back in time and bring out a T-Rex to kill someone.

Rex, we summon your soul from the Underworld to defeat this ponce.

7 Kick them extremely slowly

This brings to mind memories of my incredibly awkward childhood. I'd rather not elaborate.

Maybe you should've been born as a sloth instead.

If a sloth tried to attack, this would be it.

8 Play Justin Bieber in their ears

Baby would go great with this!

9 Try to coax them into a car compactor

Hey, buddy, I seem to have left my hat in there. Would you be so kind as to get it for me? Oh, this button doesn't really do anything.

Are you trying to reference Goldfinger? With the hat and all.

10 Try to sit on them while they are standing up

If you happen to have a group of people around you in a tight circle, this could quickly turn into a bunch of people sitting on each other while being sat on by someone else.

The Contenders
11 Smack them with your genitals

Now I have an awful image in my head...

That's the thing about this list.

Why would you do this? It would hurt you more than them and probably really gross them out.

12 Try to go Super Saiyan and then do a Kamehameha

Everyone who loved Dragon Ball Z probably always wanted to do this.

I wish this was real.

13 Throw a Death Note at them

Random Guy: I'll take a Death Note and throw it at that noob over there!
Me: Um, excuse me, that's not how you use a Death Note.
Random Guy: So you're calling me a noob? How about I throw this at you?! (throws the Death Note at me).
Me: So you thought throwing a Death Note at me would kill me, huh? Unfortunately for you, NOOB, I actually KNOW HOW TO USE THIS. I guess I'm the new Kira now! You are as insignificant as the potato chip I just took and ate!

Man: I'll go throw this Death Note at that jerk over there.
Me: That's not how you use a Death Note...
Man: Whatever. At least I'll try. *throws Death Note*
Jerk: What is this? A Death Note? Some idiot tried to kill me with this! Ha! It didn't work, punk. I actually know how to use this and I'll kill you with it!
Man: NO!

14 Attempt to pick them up by a single hair

That one actually hurts.

This actually does hurt.

15 Try to shoot a bullet through yourself to hit them
16 Yell 'I'm going to attack you', and then lightly tap them on the nose
17 Slo-mo slap them

I want to see this.

18 Hit them in the face with a book

With either a book or...?

Either a book or what...?

19 Stuff a chicken wing up their nose

Well, this should be easy, when he's got such big nostrils!

20 Hit them with a wiffle bat

Will never work.

21 Sneeze on them

Once, a girl sitting next to me sneezed on me. My friend was laughing. God, it was gross!

Could work if you have an infectious disease.

It's annoying when that happens.

22 Poke them
23 Try to summon an anime character to help you
24 Throw a piece of paper at them with intent to give them a paper cut

What a great idea! I'll try it sometime.

25 Throw a corn dog at them
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