Note: This list is only a joke. Please don't take it too seriously.
1 "I've got more holes than anyone. Why else do people think I'm the most holy person of all time?"
I don't know what to say... - Misfire
I think if he said anything so colloquially at all (especially since this is just as he's returned), it would be quite amusing - kempokid
I didn't think I would laugh harder than I thought I would. lol - TheFourthWorld
2 "I actually wasn't the reason I found your car keys. You can thank Ganesh for that."
3 "One of the oddest miracles I performed was being a white guy in the Middle East!"
4 "Yikes! What's with the crosses everywhere?! I'm scared to death of them!"
5 "I actually wish I wasn't perfect in every way because it honestly gets boring for me to beat Dante's Inferno all the time."
6 "America is the greatest country in the world? Wouldn't Palestine technically be considering how I, the Son of God was actually born there?"
Oh, that's funny, you don't even think of it as a country any longer? - PositronWildhawk
7 "Why is it that so many people think I'm handsome? Don't they realize I was actually ugly during the time?"
8 "The pentacle is actually a Christian symbol. It's times like this where people have been fearing one of my holy symbols."
It can also be used as a way to cast stronger spells (if you believe in the trash that I do)
9 "What if I told you I actually did came back? I was just reincarnated as a common basilisk!"
10 "It's that awkward moment when you realize that all the racist Christians (including the Ku Klux Klan) have been worshiping an Arab this whole time."
11 "Deicide is in my playlist."
12 "What if I was a woman?"
What if? - Misfire
13 I delayed my return because of Jesus freaks, abusing the meaning of Christianity but most of them are dead now in Hell.
Ahem Jack Chick.
I wonder what happened to the bloke who ran CapAlert he seemed to hate movies.
14 "There's no way I would wanna visit most countries on earth considering how their flags have crosses on them. Eik!"
haha! - Metal_Treasure
15 "I'm an atheist."
An interesting twist... - Metal_Treasure
16 "Who's up for wine or Mountain Dew?"
17 "I think ham should be forbidden in Easter considering how I'm king of the Jews."
18 "All the satanists can thank St. Peter for turning my cross around. If you guys love it so much then give him all the credit."
19 "My religion honestly has too many knockoffs."
20 "I actually don't mind doing it in the rear end. If only it was with a guy though."
21 "Christianity's holy symbol is already enough to turn me off."
22 "What if I told you my middle name is actually Horus?"
23 "What if Horus was crucified instead? Would we all be worshipping birds as our saviors?"
24 "You people still use the white Jesus? Why is it that my followers always ignore their holy book?"
25 "I rode into town on an ass. White guy ass that is!"
26 "Who thought up the Easter Bunny in the first place? Wouldn't the Easter Echidna make a lot more sense considering how they're mammals that can actually lay eggs?"
27 "You people should know by now that I wasn't trying to create a religion. I was only trying to make Judaism better."
28 "I'm actually not the son of God. I'm just one of them that is (they're all on this planet right now)."
29 "What if Osiris was crucified? He already has green skin so once he rises from the dead he would look much more like a zombie than me!"
30 "Sorry but I only celebrate Hanukkah."
31 "The Israeli flag is the most appealing to me."
32 "Sorry I took so long. The damn universe is always expanding (did I just swear?)."
33 "What if I walked on fire instead?"
34 "I'm the lamb of God? How about the ram of God since it sounds cooler?"
35 "If Horus were to be crucified instead of me, then the chocolate egg thing in Easter would make a lot more sense."
36 "I actually came back with Muhammad to show everyone I wasn't even crucified. You Muslims are welcome."
37 "My father honestly should've made everyone asexual if he didn't want them to masturbate."
38 "I'm actually glad the bible says I wasn't beautiful because nobody wants to be turned on by their own father do they?"
39 "Nice try Dani Filth but I don't feed trolls."
40 "There's only one Jesus who's as strong and fearless as me. And that's GG Allin!"
41 "Please stop using my biggest fear to ward off your biggest fear. In case you don't know, my fear is crosses."
42 "There's no such thing as a satanic cross. Satan wasn't crucified so why would he need one in the first place?"
43 "What if I told you that atheists were doing my dad's work?"
44 "There's a reason I gave them Christian Rock. Satan didn't even want anything to do with rock music because of how good it is!"
45 "What if the Beatles were more popular than me? I guess you could say they'd be gods of music!"
46 "Why do people think heavy metal is anti-Christian? I didn't even know what it was back in my time!"
47 "It honestly would've been a much more meaningful sacrifice if dad just burned me in hell instead of crucifying me."