Top 10 Weirdest Things For Jesus Christ to Say If He Actually Returns

DarkMatter1997
Note: This list is only a joke. Please don't take it too seriously.

The Top Ten

1 "I've got more holes than anyone. Why else do people thing I'm the most holy person of all time?"

I think if he said anything so colloquially at all (especially since this is just as he's returned), it would be quite amusing - kempokid

I didn't think I would laugh harder than I thought I would. lol - TheFourthWorld

2 "I actually wasn't the reason I found your car keys. You can thank Ganesh for that."
3 "One of the oddest miracles I performed was being a white guy in the Middle East!"
4 "Yikes! What's with the crosses everywhere?! I'm scared to death of them!"

Would be pretty obvious why he is. - DarkMatter1997

5 "I actually wish I wasn't perfect in every way because it honestly gets boring for me to beat Dante's Inferno all the time."
6 "Why is it that so many people think I'm handsome? Don't they realize I was actually ugly during the time?"

He wasn't all that handsome according to Isaiah 53:2. Just wanna point that out there. - DarkMatter1997

7 "America is the greatest country in the world? Wouldn't Palestine technically be considering how I, the Son of God was actually born there?"

Oh, that's funny, you don't even think of it as a country any longer? - PositronWildhawk

Russia>America

8 "The pentacle is actually a Christian symbol. It's times like this where people have been fearing one of my holy symbols."
9 "What if I told you I actually did came back? I was just reincarnated as a common basilisk!"

That species of lizard is known to walk on water. - DarkMatter1997

10 "There's no way I would wanna visit most countries on earth considering how their flags have crosses on them. Eik!"

Mainly because he's scared of them. - DarkMatter1997

haha! - Metal_Treasure

The Contenders

11 "It's that awkward moment when you realize that all the racist Christians (including the Ku Klux Klan) have been worshiping an Arab this whole time."

LOL - Metal_Treasure

12 "What if I was a woman?"

I'm just saying that it would honestly have been much fairer to women if God's one and only child was female. - DarkMatter1997

But if we're all God's children, then what's so special about Jesus? - PositronWildhawk

13 "I'm an atheist."

An interesting twist... - Metal_Treasure

14 "Who's up for wine or Mountain Dew?"
15 "I think ham should be forbidden in Easter considering how I'm king of the Jews."
16 "All the satanists can thank St. Peter for turning my cross around. If you guys love it so much then give him all the credit."
17 "My religion honestly has too many knockoffs."
18 "Deicide is in my playlist."
19 "I actually don't mind doing it in the rear end. If only it was with a guy though."
20 "Christianity's holy symbol is already enough to turn me off."
21 "What if I told you my middle name is actually Horus?"

People who know about the Jesus/Horus connection theory will most likely get this. - DarkMatter1997

22 "What if Horus was crucified instead? Would we all be worshipping birds as our saviors?"
23 "You people still use the white Jesus? Why is it that my followers always ignore their holy book?"
24 "I rode into town on an ass. White guy ass that is!"
25 "Who thought up the Easter Bunny in the first place? Wouldn't the Easter Echidna make a lot more sense considering how they're mammals that can actually lay eggs?"
26 "You people should know by now that I wasn't trying to create a religion. I was only trying to make Judaism better."

That's actually true. - DarkMatter1997

27 "I'm actually not the son of God. I'm just one of them that is (they're all on this planet right now)."
28 "What if Osiris was crucified? He already has green skin so once he rises from the dead he would look much more like a zombie than me!"
29 "Sorry but I only celebrate Hanukkah."
30 "The Israeli flag is the most appealing to me."
31 "Sorry I took so long. The damn universe is always expanding (did I just swear?)."
32 "What if I walked on fire instead?"
33 "I'm the lamb of God? How about the ram of God since it sounds cooler?"
34 "If Horus were to be crucified instead of me, then the chocolate egg thing in Easter would make a lot more sense."
35 "I actually came back with Muhammad to show everyone I wasn't even crucified. You Muslims are welcome."
36 "My father honestly should've made everyone asexual if he didn't want them to masturbate."
37 "I'm actually glad the bible says I wasn't beautiful because nobody wants to be turned on by their own father do they?"
38 "Nice try Dani Filth but I don't feed trolls."
39 "There's only one Jesus who's as strong and fearless as me. And that's GG Allin!"
40 "Please stop using my biggest fear to ward off your biggest fear. In case you don't know, my fear is crosses."
41 "There's no such thing as a satanic cross. Satan wasn't crucified so why would he need one in the first place?"
42 "What if I told you that atheists were doing my dad's work?"
43 "There's a reason I gave them Christian Rock. Satan didn't even want anything to do with rock music because of how good it is!"
44 "What if the Beatles were more popular than me? I guess you could say they'd be gods of music!"
45 "Why do people think heavy metal is anti-Christian? I didn't even know what it was back in my time!"
46 "It honestly would've been a much more meaningful sacrifice if dad just burned me in hell instead of crucifying me."
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77 days old

Top Remixes

1. "I've got more holes than anyone. Why else do people thing I'm the most holy person of all time?"
2. "I actually wasn't the reason I found your car keys. You can thank Ganesh for that."
3. "One of the oddest miracles I performed was being a white guy in the Middle East!"
DarkMatter1997

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