Top 10 Absurd Ways Santa Claus Could Be a Communist
We all know that Santa Claus is one of the biggest Western influences on Christmas, but there is some speculation that Santa could be a communist.
How? Let's check the reasons. And by the way, don't take this list too seriously.
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He looks like Karl Marx
Santa's original name, Father Christmas, used to be a skinny man who wore green.
Santa is a communist because he doesn't wink in the Coca-Cola advert anymore.
You know, the founder of Communism.
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He wears red
This is an obese elderly man who is older than any human being. He can deliver presents to kids in one night. He has a flying sleigh and flying reindeer, one of which has a red nose that lights the sky for him. He also has elves to make the toys and drinks booze from every house he goes to. How many homes have chimneys nowadays?
He seems fine with other men younger than him impersonating him in "Santa's Grotto."
Santa wears red. So does Satan. Spell Santa differently, and you get Satan. Satan wears red. The USSR is red. Satan is USSR confirmed.
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He wants to redistribute everyone's wealth like the communists do
But how come upper-class kids get so many different presents, and working-class kids get a select few?
Because it's parents playing pretend. That's why.
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He gives out gifts that are mostly "Made in China"
This is actually a pretty good reason. I have never gotten a present that says "Made in the USA" or some other country.
Lots of items are manufactured in China for some reason.
And we all know that China is a communist country.
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He has a beard, like Stalin, Lenin, Fidel Castro, and other communists
He has a beard like Saint Nicholas and the Father Christmases of the UK before the Victorian era (when the American Santa Claus came).
Stalin didn't have a beard, neither did Lenin (they had amazing mustaches though).
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He has a red-nosed reindeer
The other reindeer made fun of Rudolph until Santa realized that he could help him.
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He says "Ho Ho Ho," which clearly means "Workers unite!"
You know, the motto of the Soviet Union was "Workers of the world, unite!"
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He marches into town like it's a communist parade ("Santa Claus Is Coming to Town")
No doubt, this line refers to the KGB: "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake." The KGB knows everything.
Yes, and the song says, "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake," which just shows an example of the vice grip of Communist governments.
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He keeps a list like the KGB of who's naughty and nice
And they put glowing hot coal in your stockings while your feet were still in them.
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He rides with Rudolf, which sounds like a Russian name
Rudolf is a Germanic name, and I guess Santa got Rudolf, the red-nosed reindeer, from the Marxist wing of the German Communist Party.
Russia was the biggest communist country in the world, and Rudolf was Santa's reindeer.
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He gives coal to the naughty
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He knows if you've been good or bad
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If you play "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" backwards, you'll hear "Die, American Capitalist pigs, die!"
Another song we all know but where there is a hidden message in reverse.
This is honestly the funniest thing ever!
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He probably loves vodka
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He is always watching
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He lives in the Arctic Circle, and part of that is in Russia
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He has godlike powers
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He used to be called Father Christmas
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He can deliver presents in one night, has elves, goes down chimneys, is obese, and drinks loads of booze from houses
And how many homes even have chimneys nowadays?
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He has a wife, but we don't know her first name
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He is immortal
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He is fine with other men dressing up as him and giving kids presents
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He flies faster than the speed of light
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He flies around the world in one night on a Space Race-era sled (powered by unknown forces)
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He can open doors with a magic key
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He sees you when you're sleeping... he knows when you're awake...