Top 10 Dumbest Things Greg Heffley from Diary of a Wimpy Kid Has Done

This list will document every action Greg Heffley in Diary of a Wimpy Kid did that was so dumb, you would feel stupid if you did the same things yourself. These were actions that Greg Heffley didn't get reprimanded for, but made Greg feel stupid in a way that would put him in a disadvantage.
The Top Ten
1 Worried about getting attacked by The Muddy Hand (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days, Book)

Earlier in the book, Greg invites Rowley over for a sleepover, and they watch one of Rodrick's movies about a disembodied hand titled "Hello, You're Dead." After the movie, Greg starts to worry that he will be the Muddy Hand's next victim. I have no words for how idiotic an assumption Greg made about a fictional hand.

He actually thinks that a fictional dismembered hand will attack him after watching a horror movie. How can the Muddy Hand leap out of the television screen? How can the Muddy Hand Greg is afraid of fit into a 4.7-gigabyte DVD for this movie? Does the hand's payload activate once the movie is over? I could ask all sorts of questions regarding this incident, but we would be here all day if that were the case.

2 Wasted his money on useless novelty toys (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw)

Just a friendly reminder that most of these entries are from The Last Straw. You're welcome in advance. In the "Two Fruits and No Snacks" story arc of the book, Greg talks about how he wasted his money on novelty toys he saw being advertised in one of his comic books that were supposed to "change his life." And waste his money he did. Let's go over every "life-changing" invention that Greg ordered.

The Cash Machine allows the user to insert a blank piece of paper into the machine and roll out a 5-dollar bill. Greg said that it is a magic trick where you have to insert your own money in order for it to function. Obviously, it is a magic trick, because how would the cash machine print legitimate money? Would it steal ink cartridges from the United States Treasury to create real dollar bills?

How would the "throw your voice" thingy transfer vocal cords to another person? How would the X-Ray goggles create miniature cameras to see through clothes and walls? And how would a freaking hovercraft, a flying vehicle, be consumer-friendly?

Besides, Greg said that the gag gifts were being advertised through his comic books, so of course, they do not actually do what was promised. If fully functional consumer products were advertised through Greg's comic books, they would not mesh well with the wacky nature of said comic books.

3 Tried using the force from Star Wars to grab the TV remote. (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw)

In this part of the story, Greg complains about how there is nothing to do on a lazy Saturday. The only sports he could watch on TV at this time are bowling or golf, so he wants to change the channel to find a more enthralling television program to watch.

Unfortunately for him, he deals with the classic first-world problem of being too comfy to get up off the couch to grab the remote. So what does he do? He tries using the force from the Star Wars movies to get the TV remote, but it does not work for him. It shouldn't take a genius to figure out why the force is not a quality-of-life feature you can absorb from watching movies.

If Greg claimed to have used the force a million times prior, shouldn't he have figured out by now that the force does not work in real life? And good on Mr. Heffley for telling Greg to go outside and get some exercise, because Greg has dozens of other hobbies he can occupy himself with instead of dealing with silly first-world problems and trying to solve them with things he learned from popular culture.

4 Did not do his laundry for the remainder of the school year, and admitted to Mrs. Heffley and Uncle Charlie that he was too lazy to pick up after himself. (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw)

During this book's holiday season, Greg gets a gift from his Uncle Charlie called the Laundry Hoop. The purpose of this product is to act as a basketball hoop that you can throw your clothes in, kind of like throwing a basketball into a hoop to score points. It claims to make doing your laundry fun, but Greg does not agree.

He then tells everyone that his mother picks up after him, and all of his stained clothes come back clean and folded days later. Since Greg openly admitted to not picking up after himself, Mrs. Heffley commends Charlie for giving Greg the Laundry Hoop and tells Greg that he is going to do his own laundry from now on. This is why Greg becomes obsessed with finding clean clothes to wear for the rest of the story. All because Greg is too lazy to do his own laundry.

5 Wore his Body Blankie to school (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck)

Another run-in with an "Americans will buy anything" type of consumer product. Greg goes to his mom's closet with the help of his Magic 8 Ball (more on that later) and finds his Body Blanket stowed away on the shelf. The Body Blanket is a footsie pajama that you can wear, and it keeps you nice and warm. You use it if you want to grab something while you watch TV but don't want to remove your blanket because you are too comfortable.

Greg finds the Body Blanket and decides to take it to school so he can emulate being in a nice, warm bed while at school. However, the realities of taking his Body Blanket to school are not what he fantasized. Since the Body Blanket is made of flannel, Greg starts to sweat profusely during his physical education class. When he tries to unzip himself, he ends up breaking the zipper, causing him to get trapped inside the Body Blanket for the remainder of the day. The Body Blanket may be good for movie nights, but not for staying warm in a public area.

6 Relied on a Magic 8 Ball for answers (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck)

The book's cover artwork depicts Greg trying to dodge a rain shower of Magic 8 Balls falling onto him. That serves as a metaphor for Greg's over-reliance on the Magic 8 Ball he found under Rodrick's bed. He uses the Magic 8 Ball to help make decisions for him, excuse himself from mandatory chores, and even relies on the toy to help him with his schoolwork.

If Greg has ever seen the Magic 8 Ball at a toy store, he should already know that it's not meant to provide him with any quality-of-life features. His reliance on the Magic 8 Ball really shows how much Greg loves to look for shortcuts in life.

7 Tried to win Heather Hills over (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days) (Book)

Who could forget this classic one? Greg makes the most out of being in the community pool by trying to get close to Heather Hills, who is the elder sister of Holly Hills, the girl Greg was infatuated with in the last book. Heather Hills's role in this story is being the lifeguard at Greg's local swimming pool. Greg tries to win her over by following her to every lifeguard chair she was transferred to, filling her water bottle when she needed it, and even asking Mrs. Heffley to take a picture of him and Heather together.

The problem is that Heather did not display any signs of affection toward Greg. If Greg was unable to be in a relationship with Holly Hills, how much of a chance would he have of being in a relationship with her sister?

And about that time Heather gave Greg a facial expression that he interpreted as a prompt to clean up the regurgitation behind Heather's chair, I think it was because Heather had had enough of Greg stalking her, and the dirty look was supposed to scare off Greg. Is it really worth it for Greg to have a high school girlfriend? There are plenty of other things he could do that would look good on his summer vacation story.

Thank goodness in the movie, it is Rodrick who tries to win Heather Hills over since they are both in the same age range, and Heather has more of a personality now, even if it is a cliché mean popular girl stereotype.

8 Went to his grandmother's bingo game on a school night to avoid discussion about his midterm report cards (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw)

Greg comes home from school, and his mother is disappointed because his mid-quarter report cards show his lousy academic performance. Now Greg is paranoid about his dad's reaction to the news. What does he do? He invites his grandmother over because Mr. Heffley can control his anger better when Greg's grandmother is around.

But the icing on the cake is when Greg tags along to his grandmother's bingo game to avoid discussing his midterm report cards. The bingo game itself was nothing too hectic, except for Greg's grandmother informing him that the bingo players hate it when a newcomer wins.

The aftereffects make this decision a total bust. The next day, Greg talks about how he bombed his science test after wasting hours he could have spent studying on playing bingo. Greg probably didn't think it was a school night when he came up with this plan.

9 Assumed that Uncle Gary was going to have a bachelor party for his wedding because he had to wear a tuxedo (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth)

On the ride to Gammie's house for Uncle Gary's wedding, Greg is glum that he has to miss Jordan Jury's party, as well as getting a coming-of-age lecture from Gammie. However, Greg's mood immediately changes when his family has to stop at a clothing store to get his tuxedo.

Since Greg never wore a tuxedo for any of Uncle Gary's prior weddings, he starts to assume that he is one of the groomsmen for the wedding. He envisions throwing a bachelor party the night before Uncle Gary's wedding, riding in a limousine, and getting paired up with one of the bridesmaids, mirroring what Greg sees in popular culture. Greg mentioned earlier in the book that Uncle Gary is bad at saving money, so the latter cannot afford any of the things Greg fantasized about.

Greg finds out that the groomsmen thing is out of the window by discovering that his role in the wedding is to scatter rose petals along the altar with the help of Manny. However, I think Greg should have found out what his role in the wedding was going to be weeks or months in advance. If Greg had found out he was going to be an assistant flower boy early on, it would have created a more interesting storyline where Greg tries to get out of his duties.

Although, that would have led to some equally no-brainer decisions on Greg's end as well.

10 Assumed that his dad was going to send him to military school for the summer (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw)

I know I am going to get some backlash for this, but please hear me out. The latter half of The Last Straw is spent on Greg dreading his first day at Spag Union military school after his dad informs him that he is going to sign him up. What's important to know is that Mr. Heffley was using the future tense to inform Greg about signing him up. That means he has not signed Greg up yet.

If Greg was making a commitment to go to military school, he would have had to sign some paperwork in the days leading up to his first day in military school, but Greg does not mention anywhere in the story that he signed commitment paperwork, nor does he mention being reminded by his dad that his first day of military school is coming up.

As you could imagine, Mr. Heffley does not send Greg to military school, and Greg can now enjoy his summer vacation in peace. The casual reader should have figured out that Greg was going to get a happy ending. When Greg and Mr. Heffley went back to their house after Seth Snella's half-birthday party, which is actually a ploy to win the $10,000 grand prize on America's Funniest Families (the stand-in for America's Funniest Home Videos), Mr. Heffley does not tell Greg to go to bed early because he is taking him to military school first thing in the morning, nor does he tell Greg to finish packing his bags for military school.

That is all the proof you will ever need to understand that Greg was never getting sent to military school to begin with, and that all of his worries are in his imagination.

The Contenders
11 Changed the map to go to Gaming Convention (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul)
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