Top Ten Things Insomniacs Are Tired of Hearing

The Top Ten
1 You should really get more sleep

Wow! Thank you! That never occurred to me during the countless hours I lie awake! What was I doing lying awake? Simple. I was testing my cryokinetic powers.

Person: You need a full 8 ho-

Me: I've slept 20 hours nonstop. Do NOT tell me I need eight hours of sleep every night. I go to sleep at 7 P.M. and have to wake up at 6 A.M.

Hearing that over and over again might work, but I doubt it, you crazy person.

2 Try sleeping on the other side

In bed, I rotate about my height at a speed of around ten revolutions per hour. You'd think I'd find the ideal angle at some point. Well, news flash: no such bloody thing!

I sleep on literally every bloody side.

3 Take a chill pill, mate

The more you say that, believing it is relevant to the situation, the more I want to vaporize your skull.

4 Avoid electronic devices

My teachers think they're so smart for telling me this. What they don't realize is that the phone comes to ME.

That doesn't even help. It helps as much as your lectures.

But I want to find insomniac friends like me.

5 Get a bed that works

Get a bed that works what? Overtime? As an accountant? Or one I can hit you with?

6 It's because you can't sleep

Wow! I never would have guessed!

Oh, is it? That I did not consider.

7 Why not look online?

I once had an appointment with Dr. Google and Dr. Yahoo! Answers. It didn't end well.

Because they're just as helpful as you.

Thanks, they helped as much as you did.

8 Just sleep

Me: I haven't slept for 42 hours, please stop it...
Some friend: Just go to sleep now. It's not healthy, and it's very dangerous.
Me: BIT*H PLEASE.

Insomnia: the inability to sleep.

It's about not being able to sleep. A sleep disorder. Would you tell an anorexic person, "Just eat"?

HOW?! If I could just sleep and wasn't an insomniac, I would've done that already.

9 Do you know what sleep loss does to you?

Well, what do you intend to do about it, other than list the effects?

Yeah, I do. And it's not pleasant. But it's even worse if you're an insomniac. Think about it.

Who are you, the dude who lists the side effects in the ads?

10 Turn in around 8PM, that'll help

And if that doesn't work, turn in an hour earlier each time until you never get out of bed! It's not rocket science. It's nonsense!

But then I will be lying in bed for three more hours each day because I simply can't fall asleep that early.

I can't fall asleep until after 10 unless I am really (and I mean really) tired.

The Contenders
11 How many fingers am I holding up?

I really hope you're not a hallucination so I can break your jaw right here and now.

Oh, I'm holding up one finger, it's my middle one.

Oh, only one. And it's not a very nice one.

12 Just go to a drugstore and get some medicine

You think I haven't tried? Miracle pills don't exist, lady.

13 Stop going to bed so late

I go to bed around 10 p.m. or 11 p.m. I just sleep four hours later.

14 Sleep is important
15 Turn off the TV and go to sleep
16 Stop thinking about so many things
17 Stop worrying
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