Top 10 Stupidest Things Modern Conservative Crybabies Cry About

For being the anti-woke, anti-snowflake, tell it like it is, and facts don't care about your feelings crowd, today's conservatives sure do cry over some of the stupidest things.
The Top Ten
1 Less Sexy M&M's

"M&M's will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn't want to have a drink with any one of them. That's the goal." - Tucker Carlson

Yes, Carlson has devoted multiple segments to the decline of the sexuality of candy mascots. It all makes sense though. After all, once conservatives achieve their goals of banning pornography and contraception, and basically turn U.S society into The Handmaid's Tale, a guy is going to need some release. How is he going to do that thinking about M&M's so unsexy you wouldn't even want to have a drink with them?

It's too bad he doesn't have any say in the Swanson brand or maybe he could convince them to adopt a sexy, stay-at-home mom mascot that we could use to take us back to those halcyon days where women served their men, the gays kept it to themselves, and the blacks stayed out of the pool.

2 Wearing Masks

If you can ignore, you know, the millions of deaths, can you think of a funnier time than when all the right wing trolls who got their jollies off of owning the libs, touting how tough they were with their red meat diets and gas guzzling trucks, and calling everyone snowflakes were suddenly gasping for air when they had to wear a mask for more than five minutes at a time? When all these tough meat 'n potatoes 'Mericans who used to make fun of the kid with asthma were crying about shortness of breath and CO2 poisoning?

Meanwhile, all the soyboys were getting along just fine with their masks. They were even able to get their Fauci Ouchie and get on with their day.

Yeah, that was pretty funny if it wasn't for all the sickness and dying; sickness and dying that in the United States disproportionately affected Republican voters.

3 Dr. Seuss

It's funny how conservatives are all about unbridled capitalism and freedom of choice, until they're not. Of course a business should be able to refuse to provide services to a gay couple. Heck, even a government employee should be able to deny services to people whose lifestyle they don't approve of. But when the business that manages Dr. Seuss' work and legacy decides to stop publishing some of his own works, well that's just not okay. Also worth noting that the same conservatives who got mad about Dr. Seuss books with racist and anti-Semetic content no longer being published are the same that are actively banning (and burning) books that so much as talk about race.


Guess how many grade schools were teaching CRT before conservatives started getting their panties all in a wad. Answer, zero. Most people had never even heard of the concept. It was largely relegated to college level classes specific to the topic at hand.

Racist conservatives have done more for the awareness of Critical Race Theory than the so called "woke" educators ever did.
Conservative politicians pretended it was a problem, got their base all riled up, used it to get elected, started banning CRT where it didn't exist in the first place, and then bragged about how much they accomplished.

5 Gas Stoves

Researchers: "Hey, remember how we banned leaded gas because it was making people quantifiably less intelligent? Well we've also found out that the use of gas stoves in homes exposes people to harmful pollutants and is associated with an increased risk of asthma in children. So maybe we should look into how we can mitigate those risks".

Conservatives who got exposed to their fair share of leaded gasoline: "The guv'ment isn't taking away our stoves. This is a free country and I can do what I want. I'm going to use my stove even more. Take that libs. It's my choice to give little Timmy chronic asthma."

Sounds farcical until you read what our dear Republican leaders had to say about the issue. "Come and take it!" tweeted Ted Cruz. "God. Guns. Gas stoves." tweeted Jim Jordan.

6 Xbox Energy Saving Mode

"First gas stoves, then your coffee, now they're gunning for your Xbox." - Ted Cruz

Guess what other electronics have gone "woke" and defaulted to energy saving modes? Let's see: cell phones, smart televisions, cars with start stop technology, and basically every computer made in the last 30 years.

Do you ever get the feeling that some people are just angry people trying to find things to be angry about? Really, Rafael Edward Cruz? Are you that upset that your new Xbox Series X console is going to take a few extra seconds to boot and will delay updates to off peak times to help minimize its impact on your power grid that oddly enough keeps failing and killing people?

7 Cat Litter in Schools

Do you ever feel like some right-wing conspiracies are just stupid jokes that stupid people didn't realize were jokes? Flat earth, chemtrails, lizard people? Well, now we can add schools providing litter boxes for kids who identify as furries.

The scary thing is that even though it's comically ridiculous, conservatives have gone so anti-gender and anti-"woke" that they'll believe just about anything that supports their position. So, despite the fact that ZERO schools have made this accommodation, at least 20 conservative candidates including Lauren Boebert have claimed that K-12 schools are addressing the bathroom needs of students who identify as cats.

Ironically, in Boebert's home state of Colorado, the school district where Columbine High School is located does in fact stock "go buckets" with small amounts of cat litter along with other emergency supplies in case students are again locked in a classroom during a shooting. However, Republicans, including Boebert who joked that Jesus didn't have enough AR-15s, are apparently more upset about kitty litter in schools than bullets ripping through the flesh of school children.

8 Socialism

To hear conservatives talk, you'd think Socialism is identical to Nazism (ironic how Neo-Nazis are on the right side of the spectrum), and that essentially all government programs that provide for the citizens are leading the country to being the next U.S.S.R. (also ironic how conservatives are surprisingly okay with Russia murdering thousands of Ukrainians in pursuit of that very goal).

Universal health care equals socialism. Free public education equals socialism. Minimum wage, unionization, maternity leave, public libraries, etc., all socialism. Apparently, every other first world nation is a socialist hellhole where the people are a bunch of lazy unmotivated drones stupidly enjoying their ample free time, longer life expectancies, better education, and overall higher quality of life.

On another note, massive military spending and billion dollar handouts to corporations are somehow not socialism.

9 Drag Shows

"The biggest danger of taking your child to a drag show is that a Christian could show up with a gun."

Dovetailing nicely into the QAnon narrative, conservatives are infatuated with the idea of liberals of all flavors being pedophiles and "groomers" despite there being zero supporting evidence. Like a bully on the playground calling everyone they see the latest insulting word they learned, MAGA conservatives label everything and everyone on the left pedo or pedo-supporting. Deep State, Pizzagate, LGBTQ+, Socialism, Soros, Ketanji Brown Jackson... somehow they all circle back to sexually abusing and exploiting children.

Given the documented histories of Christian religious organizations, the Boy Scouts, and the fact that GOP politicians have been in many more notable and recent scandals involving the sexual abuse of minors, this feels like a classic example of every accusation being a confession.

10 Low Flow Toilets

Included because it's hilarious to remember that the President of the United States felt the need to tell us multiple times on national television that he spends a disproportionate amount of his time peering into the bowl and counting the number of flushes it takes to finally clear out his tremendous turds. Not only that, but doing so with the deluded belief that the rest of us are doing the same thing and it's not that his bigly Big Mac bombs are the problem.