Best Insults

heather

The Top TenXW

1Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

This is an exceptional little phrase which can be used in any situation, whether it be orthodox or unorthodox. Furthermore I hope that anyone who uses this cracking little nugget of pure wit uses it well, as the results could be explosive.

I literally laughed my ass off off when I read this, so going to use it at school!

This is a great diss, which implies that their birth was a big mistake, caused by a failed condom. Perfect to use to someone who you think has no purpose of doing anything, and just tries to target you for no reason.

This is one of the funniest jokes ever

V458 Comments
2Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.

GREAT! I love this! I am so going to use it on everybody! This is the best insult in the world! I don't think anybody will hate this diss!

Nice! I actually laughed at this one! I might try this one on a woman although it will fail horribly. I want to see their reaction!

Amazing, I used this on an idiot from my school! I love this website, it's really cool.

I agree this ones the best. I know someone I really hate and in going to say this to him.

V278 Comments
3You must have been born on a highway, because that's where most accidents happen.

I WILL USE THIS JOKE TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON I SEE ANYWHERE I GO IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!

I'm going to so use this one! This one of the BEST I've heard so far.

This is the funniest this I've heard all day!

I love this one...

V404 Comments
4It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.

This is absolutely brilliant. I can picture it happening. I really hope I can remember this one forever because I'm sure I'm going to need it eventually.

That was seriously funny who ever came up with that is a legend laugh out loud

I laugh so much at this one! Laugh out loud
Dude this was really cool

I laughed so hard, I woke my dog in the other room. Just bloody brilliant.

V163 Comments
5You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is awesome. Im gonna use this on my enemy when the time comes... or maybe even tomorrow! LOLOL Love it. Whoever first said this was a genius. (:

Laugh out loud I used this comeback on a girl and she got offended badly she went crying to her mommy any way love THE COMEBACK

genious! lol this is a good one and I'm so gonna use it!

Awesome! I am truly gonna use this!

V206 Comments
6Your family tree is a cactus, because everybody on it is a prick.

I'm gonna have to use this one cause it's the funniest one on here

This is genius... Pure genius... I have to use this the next time I see someone I hate

this is the best one on here should be at the top it is so great I'm gonna definitely use it all the time!

Obviously one of the best!

V283 Comments
7You are so ugly that when your mama dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.

That was so tight I couldn't even come up with that and I'm eminem

This is serious I'll use this one aww the person is gonna die when he hears this

this one is a killer by kush
hahahahaha who put you on this one man you got crack up connections

I really need to use this one soon!

V304 Comments
8If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

I think is the best dis ever, you can say it anyone calls you dumb or brag about themselves

That's hilarious! I'm gonna use it on my mean cousins!

Hi. Not much of an opinion. Oh well this was still really hilarious.

This is so funny

V118 Comments
9Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.

Say it in a Mychonny accent and it becomes GENIUS AND WILL own ANYONE!

I love this its great. I'd rate this higher than a three, the others on the list didn't make me laugh as much.

I could use this as a joke with friends. I could use a slight re-mix of this when leaving a conversation after an argument. I could use this anywhere! - leniv

Literally the princess bride

V89 Comments
10Dumbass.

Red Forman is a winner. How many times has he insulted people with this? How many times has it fit? 'enough said.

I started cracking up seeing it this high on the list and just seeing the word "dumbass"...

A classic! Always use it haha. The absolute best of all time. People will say this always no matter what

So simple yet so perfect

V170 Comments

The Newcomers

?The only good about your life is that you don't have HIV... you have everything else though.
?You are a waste of sperm
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The Contenders

11Your so ugly when you popped out the doctor said aww what a treasure and your mom said yeah lets bury it

This one is epic, can't believe no one has realized this yet! Great twist at the end

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! This is funny in any situation and is also useful if someone who is butt-ugly is targeting you, but the results could get you into a fight...

I couldn't stop laughing. This is a funny insult that I would use on a lot of people because their mothers would've said the same thing!

It so fun that ut my me peep

V62 Comments
12We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

I used it on my friend and she didn't get it. She really didn't spring at all - BrokenSong

this is so perfect for my one enemy he's goin down thank you so much

I actually spat out my drink when I read this! Made me laugh a lot! Still chuckling about it now!

You remained to be uncivilized barbaric apes? - velitelcabal

V36 Comments
13I hear when you were a child your mother wanted to hire somebody to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.

Hilarious still laughing the best joke ever since number 1 I used it on my friends but he didn't get it but the rest of the table got it perfectly and started laughing so hard we got in trouble

Stupid but understandable! I like it. It took me a minute to understand but I finally got it! :) laugh out loud

This was so mean that when I said it to my ex boyfriend he walked off and stated crying

This thing is CRAZY MEAN but it is dead funny... # I got to write this down

V21 Comments
14Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?

I've always wanted to know how it was possible for some of the most horrible and stupidest people in the world managed to win the race against 100,000 others, It makes me wonder what all of those others would of made...

Hahaha I said something like this to this boy in my class I mean seriously some people were dropped as babies but he was CLEARLY thrown at he wall!

It's Hilarious! and a bit mean.. I could tell this to anyone I'm sure they will laugh as much as me :D... even my mother did!

Maybe you can add on...'Out of 100000 sperm you were the fastest? Speed must've been to make up for your stupidity.

V21 Comments
15I would ask how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.

Double insult... On how old you are and in your stupidity. Especially if you ask someone sensetive to their age

This one's really good because it's two insults in one. Really good for saying to a mean girl that's sensitive to their age.

This one was mine and I put it here, is it bad if I said this to my teacher and my parents. Sad sdf sdfg

This is one of my favorites! I'm definitely going to use it! It would work on this girl that thinks she is smart and she really isn't! 😂

V42 Comments
16If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

That is so cruel... Laugh out loud

Haha using this all the time, you'll never forget this Xx

LMFAO that's so hilarious I'm going to use it the next time I want to hurt someone BADLY

Can't wait to use it

V38 Comments
17I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter comeback than what you just said.

Hilarious! Why is this 85, it has to be 15th at LEAST!

Haha to funny, going to use this one

So funny I am so gonna use this when this kid messages me back he is already pissed off with this he is going to have a spazz attack I just did it and he is so mad I mean mad like spazz attack mad yeah that mad

I just used this on this Guy that kept Saying Things that didn't make sense, when I Said this he was silent

V80 Comments
18When you were born, the police arrested your dad, the doctor slapped your mom, animal control euthanized your brother, and A&E made a documentary that saved your life.

took me a long time to chose and I'll probably change my mind in ten minutes but this is awesome - CaptainComedy17

Lmafo I LOVED This it worked I said and someone gave me this look and they looked like jerk!

K that one was so bad! Haha nice one though I'm so gonna say this to my friend

That is true for some people in this world

V33 Comments
19Hey, you have something on your chin...3rd one down.

I laughed so hard my face turned purple and I blacked out for a sec... Then I kept on laughing

lol! I used this on this guy at school and even HE laughed so hard he fell over!

Haha this is so funny I can't even stand it I love it so much lol! I'm gonna use that on my dad. Hopefully I don't get a slap lol

This is so funny! 😂 I used it on this girl and she looked at me and then really thought she had something on her chin! 😂 she didn't get it!

V44 Comments
20You must be the arithmetic man; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

this is so cool! who thought of this? I know someone like this and I never got to explain my thoughts about him. - lala222

Love it, this is a first class insult.

Best one ever I am so using this on my math class friend. It's hilarious

I love math jokes but truth be told not many Americans get them

V73 Comments
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List StatsUpdated 3 Sep 2015

49,000 votes
2,089 listings
9 years, 291 days old

Top Remixes (87)

1. You must have been born on a highway, because that's where most accidents happen.
2. Your family tree is a cactus, because everybody on it is a prick.
3. Hey, you have something on your chin...3rd one down.
PositronWildhawk
1. Your family tree is a cactus, because everybody on it is a prick.
2. Hey, you have something on your chin...3rd one down.
3. Yo mama so fat she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Elvisjackson
1. Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
2. Your family tree is a cactus, because everybody on it is a prick.
3. I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse
THEN3RD

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Yo mamma jokes
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