Top 10 Best Insults, Disses, and Burns

Alright, listen up, losers. We all know that one of the best things about being an alpha is being able to dish out some sick insults, disses, and burns. Whether it's telling someone their face looks like a pizza or their mom dresses them funny, there's nothing quite like putting someone in their place with a good insult.

But let's not forget that this art form has been around for centuries. Yeah, that's right, even our ancestors were dishing out sick burns. From the ancient Greeks to Shakespeare to modern-day rappers, people have been slinging insults since the dawn of time.

And now, it's time to celebrate the best of the best. We've compiled a list of some of the most epic insults, disses, and burns of all time. From classic movie one-liners to hilarious Twitter clapbacks, these are the insults that have stood the test of time and continue to make us laugh today.

But we don't want this to be just our list. We want to hear from you, the people. That's right, even you dorks who always get picked last in gym class. We want you to vote for the choices you think deserve to be at the top of this list. And who knows, maybe you'll even learn a thing or two and be able to step up your own insult game.

1. You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.

   

   I'm going to so use this one! This one is the BEST I've heard so far.

   This is the funniest diss I've heard all day!

   I am going to use this insult on my cousin who does not know one insult. I tell her all the time to get a new insult book, but she never does! I like this joke the best, and I read all of them!

2. Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.

   Great! I love this! I am so going to use it on everybody! This is the best insult in the world! I don't think anybody will hate this diss!

   Nice! I actually laughed at this one. I might try it on a woman, although it will probably fail horribly. I want to see her reaction!

   I just used this line in a battle of wits with my best friend! I laughed so hard when I heard this. He eventually lost the battle of insults, and this was my first stepping stone to victory! And yes, I would totally use this in any context. It's absolutely hilarious... It could get you into fights though.

3. You're a failed abortion whose birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

   This is absolutely amazing! Why isn't this number one? It's the most creative one I've seen that I haven't heard before. This is something to say to that person who bullies your friend or that guy who stole your bike.

   It's so original, and I definitely will use this on all the asses I have to deal with.

   My favorite insult for debate, especially for a certain ass cap on my team who just loves being a pain in my neck. Whoever thought of this comment deserves to be a billionaire.

   Love it, haha! This is great. I would probably use this insult with someone who is a pretty close friend. Otherwise, it may backfire on you. Insulting someone's birth and their parents can potentially be devastating.

4. You are so ugly that when your mama dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.

   That was so tight, I couldn't even come up with that, and I'm Eminem.

   I love it. I usually get called ugly at school and stuff by people, but those people are ugly on the inside. I know one day I'm gonna be so sexy that my charm will reach 95% of the guys. The other 5% are gay.

   This insult made me and my friends laugh and settled the argument that we had with her ex-boyfriend. Thanks to this insult, I won, and he did not beat me. Keep the insults coming...

5. You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.

   

   I said this to my boyfriend, and he got so insulted. But he was impressed at how witty I was! I love Hello Kitty, though. It's a classic toy. This is so genius and easy to remember. I'm going to use it all the time!

   Thanks to this website, my boyfriend is even winding me up so I give him more witty insults. Brilliant!

   When I read this, I started laughing, and I couldn't stop for a minute. When my parents asked me what was so funny, I tried to tell them, but I couldn't because I was laughing too much. This isn't even that funny. I don't know why I laughed so much, but I will use this!

6. Your family tree is a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

   

   I'm going to have to use this one because it's the funniest one on here.

   This is genius. Pure genius. I have to use this the next time I see someone I hate.

   This is the best one on here. It should be at the top. It is so great, I'm going to definitely use it all the time!

7. It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.

   

   This is absolutely brilliant. I can picture it happening. I really hope I can remember this one forever because I'm sure I'm going to need it eventually.

   My sister told me this the other day, and she also said, "Hey, you must have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down!" She also asked, "Did you fall from heaven because your face is seriously messed up?" Laugh out loud. Love her!

   I'm right now picturing the perfect way to use this fabulous diss. Props to whoever made this because I'm dying of laughter! But, it's not one of those insults that will make the person you're insulting laugh out loud, too.

8. You're so ugly when you popped out, the doctor said "Aww, what a treasure," and your mom said "Yeah, let's bury it."

   This is so amazing. My mom laughed when I told this to my brother. We were in the kitchen, and my brother called me a dumbass. And then I said, "You're so ugly when you popped out of your mom, the doctor said, 'Aww, what a treasure,' and your mom said, 'Yeah, let's bury it!'"

   My mom laughed her ass off, and my brother was like, "For once in a long time, I actually feel insulted." Yeah, you feel insulted because you are embarrassed. All the girls who used to like you now hate you because they see your Frankenstein hair. Haha!

   This is hilarious. It's funny in any situation and is also useful if someone who is really unattractive is targeting you, but the results could get you into a fight.

9. Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.

   

   "I love this," I said to a friend, but they didn't understand. They responded with a puzzled "Uh, okay?" and I thought to myself, "Never mind..." I wish my friend had reacted better because I find it hilarious!

   Haha, that's just amazing! This is very helpful to me because many annoying and boring guests come to my home to disturb me and my cool life! Uh, just hate those people! I will use it on each and every annoying guest!

   I could use this as a joke with friends. I could use a slight remix of this when leaving a conversation after an argument. I could use this anywhere!

10. Your mama is so fat not even Dora could explore her

    Another bad insult, but I suggest you use it for critical situations as this insult could hurt emotions badly.

    Haha, that's so funny! I used this in a cuss fight with my enemy, and he was speechless! My friends and I were laughing our heads off, and he had his usual shocked face with his mouth stretched!

    It's even funnier because he wears glasses. You can't say I'm being rude to people who wear glasses because I wear glasses myself! Hehehehe, I can't stop laughing. Way to go, girl! P.S. I don't care if you're a boy.

The Newcomers
11. ?

    Being a dick won't make yours any bigger

    I'm in middle school, so everyone thinks they have a huge dick. I am definitely going to use this.

12. ?

    I'm not going to fight you, I'd rather fight a punching bag than a trash bag.

    This insult is better than a lot of the ones on this page. Yo Mama jokes and name-calling ones aren't very funny.

    I'm using that on my stupid friend who thinks he's so cool, but really, he is not.

    This should be in at least the top 50. How is this NOT good?

The Contenders

13. Dumbass.

    Red Forman is a winner. How many times has he insulted people with this? How many times has it fit? Enough said.

    Righteously perfect. Indeed. And I most certainly agree with myself about this opinion. Also, I believe that I am quite correct about said belief. Dumbass is most assuredly the most exemplary of insults and should be number one.

    This is so going on my list of awesome insults. Hats off to all of you people who use it frequently. I also think I'm drunk off my ass, so I won't remember this tomorrow. Peanut butter and belly chocolate! Woohoo! Love my boyfriend.

14. We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

    Ok, it's completely hilarious if it were a couple of actual primates yelling that to one another. On the other hand, to people who actually passed Biology 101, it's nothing more than an idiot speaking about something they know nothing about. Laugh out loud. We did not spring from apes.

    I used it on my friend and she didn't get it. She really didn't spring at all.

    I actually spat out my drink when I read this! Made me laugh a lot! Still chuckling about it now!

15. Take that mask off, Halloween isn't until October

    I like a lot of these! This one just seems like something you could use so often. On Halloween, you could say to your friend or enemy, "Oh, I see that you've already got your costume on. Oh wait..."

    Yeah, honestly, a great roast is really funny and a great way to tell someone that they're ugly without saying it. The thing is, what if it's October or close to Halloween?

    LOL! If I were to end that, I would try touching their face and peel it off, and then say, "This isn't a mask? Feel sorry for you. Your sibling must have superglued it on you when you were still young. At least your parents don't have to spend much money on your Halloween costume every year!"

    Sorry, it's a bit long, but I think I improved it a bit!

16. I hear when you were a child your mother wanted to hire somebody to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.

    Laugh out loud! This is a 5! Anyone reading should use this on a bro or sis!

    I heard a few of these insults and, second to one, this is my favorite.

    Great one, can't wait till I'll have an opportunity to use it.

17. Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?

    

    I've always wanted to know how it was possible for some of the most horrible and stupidest people in the world to manage to win the race against 100,000 others. It makes me wonder what all of those others would have made...

    Hahaha, I said something like this to this boy in my class. I mean, seriously, some people were dropped as babies, but he was CLEARLY thrown at the wall!

    I hope I can remember this next time I need a comeback off the top of my head. So far, out of all the comments, this is by far my favorite. Hilarious!

18. I would ask how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.

    I am so using that, but of course not on people who are actually old. Anyway guys, when someone says, "Hey, I am older than you, HAHA," then here is a nice comeback: "Well then, you're going to be the first grandpa over here" (then smile, in a bad way).

    This one's really good because it's two insults in one. It is really good for saying to a mean girl that's sensitive to her age.

    Wow, this is a really nice insult. I was looking for one like this that would really make this stupid kid I know regret he messed with me.

19. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter comeback than what you just said.

    I love this insult because it's insulting, but it really wouldn't hurt anyone if you said it in a playful manner. Instead of ganging up on someone with a ton of insults, this is one you could share with your tough friends. Instead of taking offense, you just throw another insult!

    I have been through so many bullying experiences and have picked up using the words crap, said, smarter, and comeback. When you start it off, start it with something silly like a bowl of alphabet soup. This is perfect.

    Oh boy! I used a modified version of this. Feel free to use this on tickling fetishists:

    I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a better fanfiction than what you just wrote.

20. Do aliens exist? Wait that's a stupid question, I'm looking at one right now.

    There are these boys in my school (who are a pain in the butt and annoying, but hey, that's boys for you). So, we had a roast battle, and of course, I used this one. I nearly got in trouble because of this since they're such snitches.

    I'm going to try that on my friend. We tease each other a lot, and he always pretends to get angry. Then I have to apologize, otherwise, he won't talk to me.

    This one is a good one for people who need to stand up for themselves if someone is dissing them.

21. If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

    This is a good crack up, but if the person is a savage, it is easily countered. Sometimes the low-burning ones aren't easy to counter, but nonetheless, it's still a good one!

    That is so cruel. Laugh out loud.

    This guy was being a dick to me on Twitch chat, and I used this and I got timed out. They said "too far." I'm like, that's not anywhere close to being too far.

22. You're so fat the only letters of the alphabet you know are KFC.

    

    That's so funny! I am laughing, and my mom walked in. She asked what happened, so I told her she peed her pants. I am voting for you because you have the best one. My friend is obsessed with chicken too.

    At first, I was confused. Then, after the second time I read it, I laughed so hard that I think my chair broke. I think I am the one who is fat.

    I shared this with my family, and they all laughed so bad my sister fell off her chair and carried on laughing.

23. When yo mama jumps, she makes earthquakes. When yo mama breathes, she makes tornadoes. When yo mama swims, she makes tsunamis. When yo mama dies, she makes happiness.

    This is so funny! I swear, man, it's brilliant. Whoever made this up, I owe you. Seriously, I'm gonna start using this one from now on - it's a really good diss.

    Watch out, everyone! Whoever gets on my bad side is gonna be blown away.

    Gonna use this on a fat guy in my class but change the mom part to him because this will scare him away and hopefully teach him what RESPECT is. Then he can find out what it means to me.

    Laughing out loud! I was laughing for ages, and like everyone else, I'll be using it. And yes, why isn't this at number one? It's AMAZING AND EPIC.

24. When you were born, the police arrested your dad, the doctor slapped your mom, animal control euthanized your brother, and A&E made a documentary that saved your life.

    That joke is like the funniest joke in the history of funny jokes. I just have to try it with somebody!

    That is so hilarious. Now I know what to use on those creeps near my high school!

    Hilarious! That burn includes the entire victim's family and throws him/her under the bus too!

25. Hey, you have something on your chin... 3rd one down.

    I laughed so hard my face turned purple, and I blacked out for a second. Then I kept on laughing.

    I did this to my mom as a prank because she always complains about her double chin, but now I'm grounded. Be careful what you say because it can get you to places you don't want to be.

    This one is so funny! I used it on this guy at school after he told me to "go jump off the Empire State Building." It turned out to be true. He had something on his third chin.

26. You're so fat that when you jumped into the Atlantic Ocean, it turned into the Atlantic Desert

    Oh boy, this one is good. My explanation is that she's so fat that when she jumped into the Atlantic Ocean, the water came out. No water is there, and it was a desert.

    We are having a diss match, and I just found the perfect one. Love it, thank you for posting it.

    It's a really cool one. I can use it on my enemies to annoy and offend them real bad.

27. Your momma so fat she has to wear 2 watches because she covers two time zones.

    Yo mama jokes? I was waiting for something better, but this is still awesome. I'm gonna use it on my bully. The website is awesome. Thanks, keep it up!

    Haha, it's useful for stupid people who won't know what you're talking about. I laughed so much at this one! I'm going to use it on my enemy!

    Ha ha. That is the best insult ever. This joke should be the first-best diss, not the 20th best. I will use that everywhere.