Best Insults

heather

The Top Ten

1 Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.

GREAT! I love this! I am so going to use it on everybody! This is the best insult in the world! I don't think anybody will hate this diss!

I don't like insulting people. I guess I'm different from most people. - Oliveleaf

Nice! I actually laughed at this one! I might try this one on a woman although it will fail horribly. I want to see their reaction!

Amazing, I used this on an idiot from my school! I love this website, it's really cool.

The second I saw this I cracked up! - lionsforlife

V 908 Comments
2 You're a failed abortion whose birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

I Said This To My Low Life Of A Friend Who Would Always Take The Piss Out Of Me And He Said "What's A Condom? " I Instantly Replied "What Would Of Stopped The Biggest Mistake In The World"

This is awesome I love it I tried it on this girl and people around up cracked up laughing at her facial expression haha you should of been there when it happened hey I have a good one on how to annoy someone stare at them until they say what the hell are you looking at then you say I'll let you no when I figure it out

My favorite insult for debate. Especially for a certain ass cap on my team who just loves being a pain in my neck. Whoever thought of this comment deserves to be a billionaire.

creative

V 482 Comments
3 You must have been born on a highway, because that's where most accidents happen.

I WILL USE THIS JOKE TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON I SEE ANYWHERE I GO IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!

You better hope you don't see me then because ill punch you in the face - YOSHIA2121

I'm going to so use this one! This one of the BEST I've heard so far.

This is the funniest this I've heard all day!

BURN! - lionsforlife

V 999 Comments
4 Your family tree is a cactus, because everybody on it is a prick.

I'm gonna have to use this one cause it's the funniest one on here

This is genius... Pure genius... I have to use this the next time I see someone I hate

This is the best one on here should be at the top it is so great I'm gonna definitely use it all the time!

It's so good at destroying my enemy on the battle field

V 606 Comments
5 You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is awesome. Im gonna use this on my enemy when the time comes... or maybe even tomorrow! LOLOL Love it. Whoever first said this was a genius. (:

And you will expect it to work? Good luck kid. Good luck in life in general. - GGGofluckyourself

Laugh out loud I used this comeback on a girl and she got offended badly she went crying to her mommy any way love THE COMEBACK

genious! lol this is a good one and I'm so gonna use it!

Yoo this sick

V 471 Comments
6 You are so ugly that when your mama dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.

That was so tight I couldn't even come up with that and I'm eminem

This is serious I'll use this one aww the person is gonna die when he hears this

this one is a killer by kush
hahahahaha who put you on this one man you got crack up connections

hee

V 680 Comments
7 It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.

This is absolutely brilliant. I can picture it happening. I really hope I can remember this one forever because I'm sure I'm going to need it eventually.

That was seriously funny who ever came up with that is a legend laugh out loud

I laugh so much at this one! Laugh out loud
Dude this was really cool

This is a classic

V 319 Comments
8 Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.

Say it in a Mychonny accent and it becomes GENIUS AND WILL own ANYONE!

I love this; its great. I'd rate this higher than a three, the others on the list didn't make me laugh as much.

I could use this as a joke with friends. I could use a slight re-mix of this when leaving a conversation after an argument. I could use this anywhere! - leniv

hmm nice

V 174 Comments
9 Your so ugly when you popped out the doctor said aww what a treasure and your mom said yeah lets bury it

This one is epic, can't believe no one has realized this yet! Great twist at the end

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! This is funny in any situation and is also useful if someone who is butt-ugly is targeting you, but the results could get you into a fight...

I couldn't stop laughing. This is a funny insult that I would use on a lot of people because their mothers would've said the same thing!

What

V 227 Comments
10 We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

I used it on my friend and she didn't get it. She really didn't spring at all - BrokenSong

this is so perfect for my one enemy he's goin down thank you so much

I actually spat out my drink when I read this! Made me laugh a lot! Still chuckling about it now!

If you could replace sprang with evolve

V 114 Comments

The Newcomers

? You're so ugly when a garbage collectors see you they say, "oh look! There's another one!"

love it

AMAZING!

Ah good jk it’s HOR

? You should be featured in logan paul's next forest video

Yes

Oh ym gosh! This is like one fo the jokes I shouldn't laugh at, but I'm going to anyways

The Contenders

11 Dumbass.

Red Forman is a winner. How many times has he insulted people with this? How many times has it fit? 'enough said.

I started cracking up seeing it this high on the list and just seeing the word "dumbass"...

A classic! Always use it haha. The absolute best of all time. People will say this always no matter what

So simple

V 376 Comments
12 I hear when you were a child your mother wanted to hire somebody to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.

Hilarious still laughing the best joke ever since number 1 I used it on my friends but he didn't get it but the rest of the table got it perfectly and started laughing so hard we got in trouble

Stupid but understandable! I like it. It took me a minute to understand but I finally got it! :) laugh out loud

This was so mean that when I said it to my ex boyfriend he walked off and stated crying

Your to fat that u can't even get in your house because u eat your food too mich till u faryed avrything out even your mama u eat

V 53 Comments
13 I would ask how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.

This one's really good because it's two insults in one. Really good for saying to a mean girl that's sensitive to their age.

This one was mine and I put it here, is it bad if I said this to my teacher and my parents. Sad sdf sdfg

This is so funny I'm going to use this on my enemy he is like a couple years older than me so thank you for putting out this joke because its really god thank you a lot

Think about it mean girl sensitive about age BOOM!

V 137 Comments
14 Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?

I've always wanted to know how it was possible for some of the most horrible and stupidest people in the world managed to win the race against 100,000 others, It makes me wonder what all of those others would of made...

Hahaha I said something like this to this boy in my class I mean seriously some people were dropped as babies but he was CLEARLY thrown at he wall!

It's Hilarious! and a bit mean.. I could tell this to anyone I'm sure they will laugh as much as me :D... even my mother did!

I will say that to someone slow... LMAO, LOL... :D

V 51 Comments
15 If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

That is so cruel... Laugh out loud

Haha using this all the time, you'll never forget this Xx

LMFAO that's so hilarious I'm going to use it the next time I want to hurt someone BADLY

It is so funny I am going to burn him

V 142 Comments
16 Hey, you have something on your chin...3rd one down.

I laughed so hard my face turned purple and I blacked out for a sec... Then I kept on laughing

lol! I used this on this guy at school and even HE laughed so hard he fell over!

Haha this is so funny I can't even stand it I love it so much lol! I'm gonna use that on my dad. Hopefully I don't get a slap lol

Same! I need to use this! - lionsforlife

V 137 Comments
17 Your mamma so fat she has to wear 2 watches because she covers two time zones.

That's the best 1 I herd in a long time

This is the best one I have heard so far. I'm going to use this. Thanks! P. S my friend used this and a guy cried. A lot of people use it at school

I laughing so hard that I almost pissed on my pants and I could not talk

This is the best insult ever I use it on everyone why is this not number 1

V 105 Comments
18 I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter comeback than what you just said.

Hilarious! Why is this 85, it has to be 15th at LEAST!

Haha to funny, going to use this one

So funny I am so gonna use this when this kid messages me back he is already pissed off with this he is going to have a spazz attack I just did it and he is so mad I mean mad like spazz attack mad yeah that mad

I wish I came up with that

V 364 Comments
19 You're so fat you need cheat codes to play Wii Fit.

! Funniest thing I have Heard All Day! Still laughing! Ha Ha!

This is so funny whoever made it up is a friken genius:]

That is so awesome

That is just too much...lol,haha

V 64 Comments
20 You're so fat the only letters of the alphabet you know are KFC.

Oh this is hot

I'm using this on my dad

I thought that was funny. I'm totally using that diss in a dissing contest

MMM! OH SNAP! - lionsforlife

V 81 Comments
21 When you were born, the police arrested your dad, the doctor slapped your mom, animal control euthanized your brother, and A&E made a documentary that saved your life.

took me a long time to chose and I'll probably change my mind in ten minutes but this is awesome - CaptainComedy17

K that one was so bad! Haha nice one though I'm so gonna say this to my friend

Lmafo I LOVED This it worked I said and someone gave me this look and they looked like jerk!

so good

V 83 Comments
22 Do you still love nature....despite what it did to you?

Call the fire department, cause you just got burned

Classic insult, I don't remember who actually said it first..

It is amazingly funny! I totally am gonna share this with my bff! AMAZING! HILARIOUS

The best now call the fire department to make sure they put out the burn on that poor kids life

V 52 Comments
23 (Phone ringing)... Excuse me it's your village, they want their idiot back

Lol dumb not funny but is

Ha! This is great. The feels. Lol

Lol I can't stop laughing

SAVAGE!

V 3 Comments
24 With a face like yours, I wish I was blind.

HAHA SO FUNNY! THIS IS FAR THE MOST BEST JOKE ever! I SAID IT TO MY BRO AND HE STARTED CRYING LIKE HELL

I did the same to my bro and he cry out loud

Say something bad but it still funny
Haha

Oh I said that one to a kid named seth carter and he kept his mouth shut when he heard me say what I just said.

It's a good one because person is ugly and you want to be blind how they look

V 79 Comments
25 You must be the arithmetic man; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

this is so cool! who thought of this? I know someone like this and I never got to explain my thoughts about him. - lala222

Love it, this is a first class insult.

Best one ever I am so using this on my math class friend. It's hilarious

I LOVE IT! I USED THIS ON MY FRIEND, AND HE FREAKED OUT!

V 118 Comments
26 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

A feasibly sensible joke about life, death and everything inbetween. Excellent

Nice and snappy! Good to say to a girl that thinks too much of herself

This is the best joke so far on here! I love it like it no love it!

That's just lit here

V 45 Comments
27 "Dude you're fat" "It runs in the family" "Mate, no one runs in your family"

Amazing, me and my friends had a right laugh using this thanks!

Hilarious mate! LOVE IT! That was so ' EPIC! Oh lord

Laugh out loud. That's hilarious! Could not stop laughing for 15 minutes.

This one is so cool I’m gonna diss this boyyy

V 37 Comments
28 Is that your face? Or did your neck just throw up?

That would make someone cry, I'm a hurtful person but this joke makes me seem like a nice person, It's funny and extremely mean

OMG! I FREAKING LOVE THIS! I'M GONNA SAY IT TO YOU!

THIS IS so AMAZING. PERFECT, ORIGINAL! CAN PICTURE SOMEONE THAT UGLY, ACTUALLY I KNOW SOMEONE THAT UGLY! BEST EVER!

This was hilarious I used it on someone and they didn't talk to me ever since lmfao

V 47 Comments
29 Why don't you check up on eBay and see if they have a life for sale.

Absolute AMAZING one! The lad went walking away like his mothers FAT backside

Oh my gawd! Hilarious, I said this to my little brother and he got really baffled because I don't think he even knows what eBay is! Whew, I'm still cracking up.

I said it to my crush (That I used to hate). All he can said is "stupid hoe". Lmfao! Then I said if he's so stupid that brain surgeon are having a hard time. God damn! He doesn't give any respond. He can't say anything!

LOL

V 79 Comments
30 Here's 20 cents, call all your friends and give me back the change.

Very good - excellent for people who don't have friends! (we all know someone like that, don't we? )

Wicked I would use that on nearly all my enemys

That was one of the funniest on this page, literally had me on the floor dying. I could use this on my enemies or my cousins or my sister, and I bet they will give me a look, but it'll be worth it

I used this with my enemy he cried LLOl he isa LL

V 31 Comments
31 "why don't you go to walmart and get a new personality because clearly the one you got from k-mart has expired.

That is awesome! I can use it on a bully!

Lol pretty good m8 I'm gonna use this on my enemy called Idoge LOL I'm still laughing by the way just so you know I sorta like k-mart better than walmart but whatever still hilarious

Best insult ever # I'm real#roar

awesome

V 8 Comments
32 The only positive thing about you is your HIV status.

This is a funny insult. DOUBLE HIT! I told this to my ex girlfriend. She was really sexy and she liked me, and now I can't talk to her. IT WAS STILL WORTH IT

WAY TOO EPIC! How did you even invent such a cruel insult? You must be such a d* in real life

This was surprisingly satisfying, not only does it offend them behavior wise but also offends them in a decent manner instead of trying to insult in a rude way..

Wow just wow

V 63 Comments
33 Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example

Laugh out loud definitely using dis one

I used this on a guy in my class that makes fun of my name. He said "oh yeah, well least I'm not the ugly one here! " Then I used one of the other insults higher on the list and said "I could eat alphabet soup and crap out a better comeback". He cried later that day. Now everyone in class calls me cameback bill

That was the worlds best diss I wish this true to all commenters but me

Best one

V 49 Comments
34 Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake a sleeping bag.

Laugh out loud THAT WAS HILARIOUS THREE THUMBS UP MAN! BRAVO BRAVO!

Funny ill use it on everyone I know, almost as funny as number fifty eight

Rofl. This one cracked me up. I'll use it for sure

Gee dude your girlfriend woof - ElijahHileman

V 45 Comments
35 Please, I could remove 90% of your 'beauty' with a tissue

I love this one, I could use this in a lot of people from my class, all the girls in my class look like clowns, just so you know what I am dealing with here.

Jeez I'm so using this LMFAO rating is ten out of ten

This would totally work on a bunch of mean girls in my class that wear so much make up but still look ugly. I mean, isn't make up supposed to make you look better not worse

WOW

V 53 Comments
36 The only thing that goes erect when I'm near you is my middle finger.

This insult is so cruel that it could make your mother cry. If you ever say this to someone they will either punch you or burst into a weeping ball of nothing. Nobody can say this insult sucks!

Haha did this to some random girl that I liked and she was like I love you

One of THOSE people that like to kiss people that are angry at them. - 404_name_missing

Lolololololol 20 minutes later I'm still laughing. I'm going to see how many of my friends cry with this.

Every person I tell this to cries from laughing - KayleeKicklighter

V 52 Comments
37 Marriage at a motel is more appealing than the likes of you. What are you, anyways? You look like a joint between a mutilated ape, and a visible fart.

This one is pretty good, I'm surprised there are no comments!

HAHA, No one ever uses the term "visible fart". Awesome writer!

Lol you could just say You look like a joint between a mutilated ape, and a visible fart and it still be insulting

Funny but how about this...
Me: you need to get a life
Person: I have one!
Me : oh sorry I probably should have been more persific for you, I ment one that matters x so sorry for the miss understanding x

V 11 Comments
38 Can I borrow your face? My arse is on holiday.

It is so funny it made me fall of my chair because my brother started crying

This is epic - using it tomorrow for sure. Whoever made this is an epic genius

This ones a total puller when you wanna bust the hell outta your opponent in a crisp sentence...

yas

V 54 Comments
39 You're like STDs, nobody wants you, everyone hates you and it proves your parents should have used protection.

I said this to a guy at my school and he actually cried afterward. It is so cruel that it could make anyone burst into tears at that moment! This insult has to be the greatest insult you can ever say to someone you hate!

This ones straight up cruel- AMAZING

LMFAO, I'm using this

This is a really good one

V 20 Comments
40 If I wanted to kill myself, I could just climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

I think this should be added because it is witty with a gallon of humor. It's perfect if somebody just told you to die. This comeback is something they won't expect. - Dragonlindy

... And starve to death ON THE way down.

My response to this insult would be, "Said the person that just used the intelligence quotient and a form of human personality to represent a physical height." - zacktheripr

This is amazing

V 67 Comments
41 Are you always an idiot or just when I'm around?

Now that's a risky one... because the answer could be: "Yes only in your present, to make you feel you're not the only one."

It's very nice man for people like us

Haha AWESOME JOKE USED IT ON MY ARCH ENEMY GOOD ONE

Its ok, but it didn't work

V 8 Comments
42 Yo mama so fat she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

That is so cool, I could use it against my enemy in bahrain!

Amazing. Just amazing. I have a feeling that a Chinese made that one up originally. This one needs to be fifth and traded out with that hello kitty one, cause those who don't watch hello kitty... Well 'me', wont get the meaning. But this one is great. Nice job.

I have used this on a couple of different occasions and I got the best reaction from it! :) And older sort of insult but still extremely funny and you will always get a great reaction from it!

The funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. EVER!

V 33 Comments
43 About as sharp as a shoelace

I'm gonna use this on a derp-ass at school

What about
I'd insult you but it seems to me nature beat me to it

ABOUT AS SHARP AS BOTH ENDS OF A DUMP

not bad

V 1 Comment
44 All the branches fell off your family tree when you were born

Just simply funny it makes sense that's what I like about it very good insult, no doubt about it! :-)

Yup I'm gonna use this

Kinda funny that

AMAZING

V 10 Comments
45 Stop bullying fat people, they have enough on their plate.

This is awful... Awfully funny. I'm sorry... This made me laugh so ' hard. I mean, yeah, stop bullying people in general. But, MUAHAHAHA.

THIS MADE ME LMAO SO HARD ITS AWFUL BUT HILARIOUS! IT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD I NEARLY CHOCKED! LMAO I FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR ONTO THE GROUND! Love this one I'm gonna use it A LOT this is definitely my favourite joke YET :D oahahah if you didn't notice I'm still laughing.

Laugh out loud When I saw this, I cracked up! Best one I've seen here

Can't think of a response for this one--I'd just stand there if someone said it to me - KayleeKicklighter

V 47 Comments
46 The only way I'd lay naked with you would be in a mass grave

oh snap this is perfect thing for a girl to say to someone hitting on her, it's so cold.

That is awesome. Really funny! I'll remember that one next time! Cause it is really hilarious!

Oh that hurts what an awesome brush off dude! - Bec

If I was a) a girl and b) remotely good-looking enough to get hit on, I would use this. I might also add that nobody cares enough about the other person to bury them when they die.

V 2 Comments
47 Your asinine simian countenance alludes that your fetid stench has annulled the anthropoid ape species diversity.

Said it to my friend didn't have a clue but my teacher was cracking up!

Hilarious! I can't wait to use this the next time I'm in line somewhere. Wish I could've used this today when the stinky guy behind me at the bank hunched over me like he was about to hump. Lmfao, great one!

Wonderful! Another insult that will completely confuse people in my grade, making them think that I am actually smarter than I probably am. Best thing is, I can probably say this to a teacher of mine who isn't too bright and make my genius friend crack up, where everyone else is sitting there dumbfounded.

Absolutely amazing, using this to everyone I know is a total idiot, this needs to be on the front page!

V 47 Comments
48 Your mom's so ugly she made Chuck Norris have a heart attack

Funny compared to Chuck Norris can do anything!

When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet, the pool gets Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with hot butter

Lol ahh this made me laugh kkk

V 11 Comments
49 You're so fat you had to be baptised in Sea World

Oh my god I'm laughing so hard I can't get over this one I think its hilarious how is this not at least in the top ten?

Makes me laugh every time! I don't have much of a sense of humor but this one cracked me up. I just get a picture of someone actually being baptised in sea world... :D

Why is this not rated higher?

At least they got saved... - RedTheGremlin

V 30 Comments
50 Go away I was looking at something better than you

Absolute Classic. Something that can be said as though you yourself have come up with it.

Brilliant! This had me laughing all night. It's so simple it still gonna hurt! I must use this soon

This was amazing! I laughed so hard I laughed all morning! Just the most brilliant thing I've heard in a long time

LMFAO pure beauty.

V 31 Comments
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List Stats

75,000 votes
2,613 listings
12 years, 156 days old

Top Remixes (130)

1. You must have been born on a highway, because that's where most accidents happen.
2. Your family tree is a cactus, because everybody on it is a prick.
3. Hey, you have something on your chin...3rd one down.
PositronWildhawk
1. Your family tree is a cactus, because everybody on it is a prick.
2. Hey, you have something on your chin...3rd one down.
3. Yo mama so fat she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Elvisjackson
1. Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.
2. You're like STDs, nobody wants you, everyone hates you and it proves your parents should have used protection.
3. I would ask how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.
guitar

WRemix
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Yo mamma jokes
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