Top Ten Responses for When People Ask Why You Don't Have Children

Seemingly more so than ever, married couples are making the choice not to have children for a variety of reasons. If you are among this group, you know how hard it can be for others to wrap their heads around someone not wanting to receive the greatest gift the world has to offer. No doubt, you have been asked by members of the older generation, giddy new parents, and kids who assume "baby in the baby carriage" is the only conceivable next step to marriage why there is no pitter patter of little feet in your home.

Most people will let you get by with a simple we've decided not to response, but if you're asked in a particularly accusatory manner or are just feeling like mixing it up, here are some other responses you can give when someone asks why you don't have children.
The Top Ten
1 Actually, we have two, but they are so hideous we don't let them out of the basement.

That's from the 'Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay'-school of parenting.

2 We plan to, but don't know how. Can you help?

This should be ranked a lot higher than the one about having a ginger child because natural redheads are usually the sexiest people alive.

Well, Sharon was homeschooled and I went to a school where they taught abstinence only. We've been sending letters to storks and even asked the Santa at the mall, but no luck so far.

3 [Spouse's name] is already a raging alcoholic so we don't need another person in the house babbling incoherently, soiling themselves, and crying for no reason.
4 My in-laws have red heads in their family tree and I couldn't bear the shame of having a ginger child.
5 We would, but cannot bear the possibility that they could turn out to be Special Snowflakes.

This entry should be ranked way higher than the one about having a ginger child because I would feel more than privileged if my child turned out to be a ginger, especially when taking into consideration that most natural redheads are the most attractive human beings I've ever seen in my life. But if my child turned out to be a special snowflake, I'm locking them at the top of the Notre Dame bell tower.

Leaving the "Like your kids are" unsaid!

6 I took the batteries out of my biological clock and put them in my vibrator.
7 After the fourth miscarriage, we just couldn't take any more heartbreak.

The accusatory tone people tend to take when asking why you don't have kids can make you feel uncomfortable. This way, you can return the favor and then some.

8 My wife is totally addicted to the taste of the raspberry morning after pills.
9 We tried, but we conceived doggy style and ended up with a puppy.

We named him Stewart, after Marie's late grandfather.

10 I'd like to, but I'm not just not sure [spouse's name] is the right one.

Let the gossip girls have a ball circulating that juicy rumor.

The Contenders
11 Children? We ate them.

I'm dying of laughter at how funny that is, but that's also very dark!

The ribs were especially tender.

Who do you think you are, Cronos?

12 Well, I recently went to the doctor and they found out that I'm... deathly allergic to children.
13 Kids? As in baby goats?
14 We're both overachievers so we're pretty sure the baby would have too many chromosomes.
15 Because they could turn out to be a furry, brony, radical feminist, etc
16 We want to, but it seems like every year they come out with a better model and we don't want to get stuck with something obsolete.
17 Did you know that 100% of rapists and series killers were once babies? It would be irresponsible for us to risk it.
18 We don't want our lives any more torturous than they are now.
19 It hurts

Like, really it does! How is this not top ten?

20 We will when you start making it look even remotely appealing.

Maybe when all of your Facebook posts no longer talk about the awful thing your kids did or how hard it is being a parent before ending with something like "but I wouldn't trade it for the world" or "but I love them more than anything." Which one of us are you trying to convince?

21 But, we're still not sick of getting eight hours of sleep and having all this disposable income.

That's what I'm talking about. Live your life a little, then have kids in your later years.

22 We would, but we promised our first born to an evil witch, and we'd rather not go through with all that.
23 I hate children.
24 Never. I hate kids.
25 A dog and a cat are enough for us right now.
8Load More
PSearch List