Top 10 Best Responses for When People Ask Why You Don't Have Children

Seemingly more than ever, married couples are making the choice not to have children for a variety of reasons. If you are among this group, you know how hard it can be for others to wrap their heads around someone not wanting to receive what many consider the greatest gift the world has to offer.

No doubt, you have been asked by members of the older generation, giddy new parents, and even children who assume "baby in the baby carriage" is the only conceivable next step after marriage, why there is no pitter-patter of little feet in your home.

Most people will let you get by with a simple, "We've decided not to," response. However, if you're asked in a particularly accusatory manner or are just feeling like mixing it up, here are some other responses you can give when someone asks why you don't have children.
The Top Ten
Actually, we have two, but they are so hideous we don't let them out of the basement.

That's from the 'Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay'-school of parenting.

We plan to, but we don't know how. Can you help?

Well, Sharon was homeschooled and I went to a school where they taught abstinence only. We've been sending letters to storks and even asked the Santa at the mall, but no luck so far.

This should be ranked a lot higher than the one about having a ginger child because natural redheads are usually the sexiest people alive.

[Spouse's name] is already a raging alcoholic, so we don't need another person in the house babbling incoherently, soiling themselves, and crying for no reason.
My in-laws have redheads in their family tree, and I couldn't bear the shame of having a ginger child.
We would, but we cannot bear the possibility that they could turn out to be special snowflakes.

This entry should be ranked way higher than the one about having a ginger child because I would feel more than privileged if my child turned out to be a ginger, especially when taking into consideration that most natural redheads are the most attractive human beings I've ever seen in my life. But if my child turned out to be a special snowflake, I'm locking them at the top of the Notre Dame bell tower.

Leaving the "Like your kids are" unsaid!

I took the batteries out of my biological clock and put them in my vibrator.
After the fourth miscarriage, we just couldn't take any more heartbreak.

The accusatory tone people tend to take when asking why you don't have kids can make you feel uncomfortable. This way, you can return the favor and then some.

My wife is totally addicted to the taste of the raspberry morning-after pills.

They make her sick as all get out, but... ah-ha, that means two things.

We tried, but we conceived doggy style and ended up with a puppy.

We named him Stewart, after Marie's late grandfather.

I'd like to, but I'm just not sure [spouse's name] is the right one.

Let the gossip girls have a ball circulating that juicy rumor.

The Newcomers

? I couldn't get a date.
? We already have two. They're hairy, they walk on four legs, and we can leave them at home unsupervised.

This should be higher. I almost laughed so hard I cried.

Some of these reasons are absolutely hilarious.

The Contenders
Children? We ate them.

I'm dying of laughter at how funny that is, but that's also very dark!

The ribs were especially tender.

Who do you think you are, Cronos?

Well, I recently went to the doctor, and they found out that I'm deathly allergic to children.
Kids? As in baby goats?
We're both overachievers, so we're pretty sure the baby would have too many chromosomes.
Because they could turn out to be a furry, brony, radical feminist, etc.
We want to, but it seems like every year they come out with a better model, and we don't want to get stuck with something obsolete.
Should be soon. We recently found out we were using the wrong hole.
It hurts.

Like, really it does! How is this not top ten?

Did you know that 100% of rapists and serial killers were once babies? It would be irresponsible for us to risk it.

Great point, statistics don't lie.

We will when you start making it look even remotely appealing.

Maybe when all of your Facebook posts no longer talk about the awful thing your kids did or how hard it is being a parent before ending with something like "but I wouldn't trade it for the world" or "but I love them more than anything." Which one of us are you trying to convince?

I hate children.
A dog and a cat are enough for us right now.
I'm an introvert.
We don't want our lives any more torturous than they are now.
The world is already overpopulated.
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