Top Ten Responses for When People Ask Why You Don't Have Children

 Seemingly more so than ever, married couples are making the choice not to have children for a variety of reasons. If you are among this group, you know how hard it can be for others to wrap their heads around someone not wanting to receive the greatest gift the world has to offer. No doubt, you have been asked by members of the older generation, giddy new parents, and kids who assume "baby in the baby carriage" is the only conceivable next step to marriage why there is no pitter patter of little feet in your home.

Most people will let you get by with a simple we've decided not to response, but if you're asked in a particularly accusatory manner or are just feeling like mixing it up, here are some other responses you can give when someone asks why you don't have children.

The Top Ten

1 Actually, we have two, but they are so hideous we don't let them out of the basement.

That's from the 'Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay'-school of parenting. - BKAllmighty

Haha

Good point. - Mrveteran

2 My in-laws have red heads in their family tree and I couldn't bear the shame of having a ginger child.

And just what exactly is wrong with red heads? Nothing. That's right.

SHD would be triggered. - Therandom

3 [Spouse's name] is already a raging alcoholic so we don't need another person in the house babbling incoherently, soiling themselves, and crying for no reason.
4 We plan to, but don't know how. Can you help?

Well,... Sharon was homeschooled and I went to a school where they taught abstinence only. We've been sending letters to storks and even asked the Santa at the mall, but no luck so far. - covenste

5 My wife is totally addicted to the taste of the raspberry morning after pills.

They make her sick as all get out, but... ah-ha, that means two things. - covenste

6 I took the batteries out of my biological clock and put them in my vibrator.
7 We would, but cannot bear the possibility that they could turn out to be Special Snowflakes.

Leaving the "Like your kids are" unsaid!

These are great, oh wow

8 We tried, but we conceived doggy style and ended up with a puppy.

We named him Stewart, after Marie's late grandfather. - covenste

9 After the fourth miscarriage, we just couldn't take any more heartbreak.

The accusatory tone people tend to take when people ask why you don't have kids can make you feel uncomfortable. This way you can return the favor and then some. - covenste

10 Children? We ate them.

The ribs were especially tender. - FluffyBanana

This is what I'll say someday LOL.

Who do you think you are, Cronos?

The Contenders

11 We're both overachievers so we're pretty sure the baby would have too many chromosomes.
12 Because they could turn out to be a furry, brony, radical feminist, etc

Or a fanfiction writer, or a serial killer, or a bully.

The thought of me raising a feminist scares me... LOL - ryanrimmel

13 Well, I recently went to the doctor and they found out that I'm... deathly allergic to children.

THIS IS THE ONE - TwilightKitsune

14 I'd like to, but I'm not just not sure [spouse's name] is the right one.

Let the gossip girls have a ball circulating that juicy rumor. - covenste

15 We want to, but it seems like every year they come out with a better model and we don't want to get stuck with something obsolete.
16 Kids? As in baby goats?

Yes. - 3DG20

17 We would, but we promised our first born to an evil witch, and we'd rather not go through with all that.

LOL, this is absolutely BRILLIANT - TwilightKitsune

18 Should be soon, we recently found out we were using the wrong hole.

Crass.

19 Did you know that 100% of rapists and series killers were once babies? It would be irresponsible for us to risk it.

Can't argue with that - TwilightKitsune

20 I hate children.

Yeah, why not be honest lol? - TwilightKitsune

21 A dog and a cat are enough for us right now.
22 We don't want our lives any more torturous than they are now.
23 We will when you start making it look even remotely appealing.

Maybe when all of your Facebook posts no longer talk about the awful thing your kids did or how hard it is being a parent before ending with something like "but I wouldn't trade it for the world" or "but I love them more than anything". Which one of us are you trying to convince? - covenste

24 But, we're still not sick of getting eight hours of sleep and having all this disposable income.

That's what I'm talking about.
Live your life a little, then have kids in
Your later years.

25 We've had four, but with my IQ and her cheekbones, the price those little buggers fetch on the black market is too good to pass up.
26 We thought about it but then came to the realization that our social lives were going to disappear and that we were going to turn into our parents and thought,"nah".
27 The condom never came off after the first try.
28 I left them at Walmart.
29 It’s none of your buisness

This really pisses them off

30 We don’t know how to do it.
31 It hurts

Like, really it does! How is this not top ten?

32 We will just as soon as the court order is lifted.
33 Since I have a medical issue, we are looking for a womb to hold our child. Would you be nice enough to offer yours?
34 They say it's all written in heaven. We can only try.
35 Never. I hate kids.
36 We had sex, but my penis has an outer layer of skin like a condom.

O_O Go the doctor then...

37 I eat babies.
38 We're getting divorced soon, as we're both practically married to our jobs and love them more than I love my spouse.
39 I'm an introvert
40 We do, they're just invisible.
41 They’re at home cleaning the house.
42 The world is already overpopulated.
43 You are my children
44 We already have two. They're hairy, they walk on four legs, and we can leave them at home unsupervised.
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