Best Chuck Norris Facts

The Top Ten

1 Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

oh my god, this is by far the funniest of them all... couldn't stop laughing!

Swim on land... That's the best one there is here! I love it! I guess physics just got crapped on.

by far the best nobody can do this but Chuck Norris... I'm still laughing man. Chuck Norris is the best, better than the Zohan

This is really the most funniest I have ever heard of I mean chuck can swim on land that is really cool I bet jesus can't do that either just a matter of time I guess but I just can't stop laughing this should be at the top and not third this really deserves to be at the top

2 Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.

This fact REALLY made my day!
I laughed so hard as soon as I read it!
Chuck Norris FTW!

P.S. : Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone... xD

Voters! Please get some sense of humor... This one should be at the TOP! Not down here!

TOO damn hilarious. This was the best fact ever created. So simple, yet so complex in it's true sentence. I probably just saw god... Okay no, not really. But this is better than any other, and some even get kinda... Blah? I guess, this never get's old.

Y'know, when I first saw this list, I thought it would be actual facts. This is actually better though. lol

3 If Chuck Norris falls into a river, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norrised.

"Chuck Norrised"... Haha! Virtual bouquet of flowers to whoever came up with this one! Awesome. Oddly enough, I haven't come across this one before, but as so many have declared--this one is gold.

Haha. Chuck Norrised... Love it. This ones a keeper for sure. CHUCK NORRIS for the win Pure awesomeness here

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY HAS THIS IN IT! (YouTube)

Oh, that's good! Chuck Norrised! Yeah! This deserves to be in first place! My opinion is that this fact is epic and mostly because it's true!

4 Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

I always wondered what he was hiding from but the answer is quite simple.

This one never fail to make me laugh It's really funny! I think this one should be on the top 3.

Yeah, it's funny because waldo is so wimpy looking.

I was always wondering why waldo was hiding
This is great!
P. S. "Chuck Norris won the world series of poker by using pokemon cards"

5 Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

It's really only funny for those who have actually tried to delete the recycling bin.

This is just the best 1 out there! Props to whom ever made it up. How much trash do you have to write here to be able to Post?

This is so brilliant! The person who invented this is a genius. But not more of a genius than Chuck Norris. Definitely not... Who are you? NO! Please don't! I'm gonna -

I haven't tried deleting recycling bin. But I can fairly guess logically that this is impossible to do so.

6 Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

all of these are great but this one is the best

I don't KNOW WHY THIS IS NUMBER 2 because ITS WAY BETTER THAN NUMBER 1!
ALSO WHERE IS DEATH ONCE HAD A NEAR CHUCK NORRIS EXPERIENCE! Laugh out loud

Laugh out loud this one is just so amazing. How can it be number four when it should be number one and then some with a side of chips well done and medium rare

Wow. I don't think that I have ever heard one this funny before. I couldn't help but laugh when I heard it. Chuck norms is the reason Waldo is hiding is funny to but I like this one better.

7 Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, it's a shame he's never cried.

I love the added its a shame he never cried at the end. Laugh out loud This one is by far the funniest. I hadn't seen this one before but it rules.

I love this one! Its hilarious! (mike fizzle chisel has approved this message. )

Then the president of each country asks Chuck Norris to cut onions in a cancer hospital. He then got a Nobel prize.

This is so sweet. Wish cancer COULD be cured by his tears, because I KNOW he would cry for that!

8 When the Boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Well that is just really weird you know. I mean when I go to sleep the room is filled with boogiemen. I guess they chose to hide in my room. Laugh out loud

Well, everyone is afraid to be Chuck Norrised after all, but boogieman? Clever move chuck!

Hahaha undoubtably the funniest Norris joke ever, laughed just about every single time I have read it somewhere!

Ah! That was the funniest thing ever! Literally laughing my ass off! I wish I was a cat because cats can laugh more and have 9 lives.

9 Chuck Norris converted God to atheism

AHAHAA that's just great, it says that he saw God and convinced him that HE doesn't exist!

For those of claiming that this joke is offensive to God/religion then your statement is also offensive to my religion of atheism

It's always funnier when everyone gets triggered.

But Chuck Norris is god. This implies that he converted himself to another religion.
Logically speaking, this is the worst fact of all.
By the way, did you know that fear of Chuck Norris is called 'logic? '

10 There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control

I cracked up the moment I heard this, in my opinion this is one of the best Norris jokes ever.

That's so very true. Chuck Norris is always in control.

SO AM I

yes

The Newcomers

? When you write Chuck Norris on the Death Note, you kill yourself

The Contenders

11 Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, there is only another fist.

Man this jokes is awesome.

Family guy! Made me smile

What I don't get it

Kinda like the guys from ZZ Top hahahahahaha. It's true they don't have lower jaws

12 If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't ask what you meant. It simply comes back as RUN.

Laugh out loud, most of the Chuck Norris jokes are quite repetitive but this one is just plain awesome. Good job to whoever made this up

THIS THE ONLY CHUCK NORRIS FACT I'VE HEARD THAT HAS MADE ME LAUGH!

I LOVE IT!

This one is HILARIOUS! Literally made me laugh out loud laugh out loud! Cannot believe it's not in the top ten!

Because He's WATCHING! Nice change from the usual pattern of Chuck Norris jokes, which let's just say are a teensy bit repetitive.

13 Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is very assertive with the way he acts, NOBODY can make fun of him even "natural phenomena" can't be a "smart ass" against Chuck.

.. Just brilliant; florence from Slovenia;

Best one in my opinion.

Don't you dare to fool him lol

14 There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

I love it when these facts can come up in intense debates. Nothing better than throwing someone off with some Chuck Norris!

A very good one indeed, it really reflects Chucks longevity, he's been roundhouse kicking dinosaurs into extinction

Oh my Gosh! This is made my day. So damn funny

And the dinosaurs failed his test.

15 Chuck Norris got stabbed by a knife. After 2 weeks of pain the knife died.

$
$
$ made me laugh so much! @@@ I love this one so much!

I heard that a snake bit him and then after awhile the snake died

Although this one is a classic, I love it.

The real question is: who is good enough to stab Chuck Norris?

16 Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people

This is the most popular and the funniest... Simple and plain... Norris is a beast

This one isn't as good

Who does he kill

I think it's really mean saying haB

17 Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

This is so awesome. All you people don't know math to see how funny this is. (It is impossible to divide by zero)

He can. But he never revealed the answer. Otherwise mathematicians will lose their morale.

Math must be really easy for him... Haha.. Maybe he can find the exact value of 'i', sqrt(-1)

SO CAN I!

18 When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.

I imagine when he was doing pull-ups. Maybe the sky is drawn down below -laugh out loud-

Chuck Norris is the funniest guy I've ever met. The #11statement is absolutely true. I Wish I get a chance to meet Chuck Norris someday!

Impressive! But he's not strong enough to hold a poo. Even HE has to drop it.

Imagining this makes me cry of laughter

19 Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.

This one REALLY took the cake!
Just as the underestimated: "Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun".

yeah pretty much the best chuck norris joke.

at least that I've seen in a while.

Hahahhahahahah! I lol'd SO hard! That's not possible! p.s. I'm not stupid.

What about: Chuck Norris once got an erection whilst lying on his stomach and struck oil?

20 Chuck Norris invented the spoon. Killing with a knife was too easy.

Laugh out loud this one absolutely needs to be in the top ten^^
Imagine someone killing with a spoon!

JTHM much?

LOLOLOLOL DUDE. THAT'S CLASSIC!

I wonder how that would feel?

Https://www.YouTube.com/watch? v=9VDvgL58h_Y
Spoons

21 Toronto made a replica of Chuck Norris's penis. They just used his initials and called it the CN Tower

So when people come out of the CN Tower, they are basically Chuck Norris' seed?

Laugh out loud.. Funny jokes dude... I can stop laugh after reading this one...
But the best jokes is at number 17...
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Nice I actually laughed at this one.

LOL! Fell off the chair!

22 Chuck Norris died ten years ago, the Grim Reaper just can't build up the courage to tell him.

Damn good one. I heard Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice. But this is hilarious

Chuck norris is dead? NO

That has to be the best fact. Hand down.

Why? Because he's Chuck Norris!

23 Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret

Simply laugh out loud... I laughed my butt off after hearing this one... Its simple and funny...

Simply the best, also the Jesus one is good

He won't tell us, though. I'm not saying he should.

Respect. I always wanted to know her secret.

24 Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag girls. He potato sacks them.

This one is different than the usually stupid Chuck Norris jokes. Love it. I actually laughed at this one.

Laugh out loud ill never look at a potato sack the same way.

I'm actually crying, this is one of the only ones on this list to make me laugh out loud. Love it

This was the first one to actually make me physically laugh out loud

25 Chuck Norris can speak braille.

This is the best one I have ever heard. The other good ones made me chuckle but this one seriously made me burst out laughing. Please go look up braille if you don't know what it is!

Lmao I can't believe this one isn't in the top 5. Do yall even know what braille is? Lmao

He can also speak French, in Russian. He can hear sign language too.

I thin chuck norris jokes are stupid and repetitive but this one is hilarious, the only chuck norris joke that has made me laugh

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