Best Chuck Norris Facts

The Top Ten

1 Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

This is a good one! I've heard a lot of chuck norris jokes but this is one of the best! This should be number one on the list for sure!
Heres a related joke:
Jesus can walk on water. Humans are made of 70% water. So therefore if I stand on someone I am 70% Jesus!

This is d best joke about 'CHUCK NORRIS ' I have ever heard in my life. I laughed whole night, couldn't stop laughing. Hahaa! Chuck is great. Swimming on land. It should be number 1. I have never heard like this. Top tens in great

Holy jesus I can't stop laughing I would definitely say this cause I'm a boss and boss people say boss jokes and this is so -oh my god I really want to swear- lets just say its REALLY funny...

Chuck Norris is the most powerful character in all of reality/creation he once fought every thing with his testicles behind his back. The only people in the universe who can even harm him are Gaben,Morgan Freeman,and Paul Blaurt, and Jar Jar Binks

2 Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.

TOO damn hilarious. This was the best fact ever created. So simple, yet so complex in it's true sentence. I probably just saw god... Okay no, not really. But this is better than any other, and some even get kinda... Blah? I guess, this never get's old.

This fact REALLY made my day!
I laughed so hard as soon as I read it!
Chuck Norris FTW!

P.S. : Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone... xD

Hahah this one really made my day! I wonder what the Real Chuck Norris thinks about all this pranks.. Well.. I certainly love them!

Laughed the hardest on this one, number one is not even THAT funny, compared to this, of course.

3 If Chuck Norris falls into a river, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norrised.

Laugh out loud WHY AM I EVEN READING THESE JOKES?
I'll just jump on the band wagon since all of these are hilarious.
I can't even... But seriously, what the hell am I doing here?
I guess here it's safe to say that Chuck Norris got me here. With his ability to control my actions.

"Chuck Norrised"... Haha! Virtual bouquet of flowers to whoever came up with this one! Awesome. Oddly enough, I haven't come across this one before, but as so many have declared--this one is gold.

Haha! I love Chuck Norris facts! Here's another good one.
"There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but they changed it's name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives. "

Chuck Norris is a lame, has-been actor who couldn't tie his shoes without falling over. He is weak and pathetic, as are his simple-minded fans.

4 Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

I would have to say this one is the funniest and most original. I wonder what Waldo did to piss chuck norris of so much. Hope I can avoid such a mistake.

Awesome! Definitely a good pop-culture joke! Although Chuck Norris Jokes are pretty old, introducing new ones is always accepted!

I was always wondering why waldo was hiding
This is great!
P. S. "Chuck Norris won the world series of poker by using pokemon cards"

Wow. Just simply hilarious this one is! I loled pretty hard at this one and the one about "Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim on land! "

5 Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

This is so brilliant! The person who invented this is a genius. But not more of a genius than Chuck Norris. Definitely not... Who are you? NO! Please don't! I'm gonna -

This is just the best 1 out there! Props to whom ever made it up. How much trash do you have to write here to be able to Post?

It's really only funny for those who have actually tried to delete the recycling bin.

Usually, I don't laugh at these jokes, even though they are funny in my head. Though, this one got a giggle out of me!

6 Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Wow. I don't think that I have ever heard one this funny before. I couldn't help but laugh when I heard it. Chuck norms is the reason Waldo is hiding is funny to but I like this one better.

Laugh out loud this one is just so amazing. How can it be number four when it should be number one and then some with a side of chips well done and medium rare

SWEET at my school I say random chuck norris jokes for fun. One time at my school while everybody was typing a paper I was looking up chuck norris jokes

This is hilarious! Much better than the others. It should be ranked first, because this is perfect can't believe this is not in first place

7 Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, it's a shame he's never cried.

I love the added it's a shame he never cried at the end. Laugh out loud This one is by far the funniest. I hadn't seen this one before but it rules.

The ironic nature of this fact shows both how God-like Chuck is, while showing how uncompassionate and manly he is.

Then the president of each country asks Chuck Norris to cut onions in a cancer hospital. He then got a Nobel prize.

This is so sweet. Wish cancer COULD be cured by his tears, because I KNOW he would cry for that!

8 When the Boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Well that is just really weird you know. I mean when I go to sleep the room is filled with boogiemen. I guess they chose to hide in my room. Laugh out loud

Ah! That was the funniest thing ever! Literally laughing my ass off! I wish I was a cat because cats can laugh more and have 9 lives.

We don't have to worry about boogieman anymore because chuck Norris is scaring him away for us. I can sleep tonight now.

One of the originals, I can only imagine in Monster Inc. the characters are afraid of Chuck Norris
I'd have to say this one is majorly famous

9 Chuck Norris converted God to atheism

But Chuck Norris is god. This implies that he converted himself to another religion.
Logically speaking, this is the worst fact of all.
By the way, did you know that fear of Chuck Norris is called 'logic? '

Guys, come on, I know we can laugh but that's just disrespectful to GOD. Even if I wasnt a Christian it still wouldn't be that funny. There are plenty of funny chuck norris jokes out there.

So there is a God, Chuck Norris saw him and spoke to him, and anyway converted GOD to the ATHEISM?

Epic one. Can't believe it didn't made it to the top 10...

AHAHAA that's just great, it says that he saw God and convinced him that HE doesn't exist!

10 There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control

I cracked up the moment I heard this, in my opinion this is one of the best Norris jokes ever.

That's so very true. Chuck Norris is always in control.

How do u know

The Contenders

11 Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, there is only another fist.

Kinda like the guys from ZZ Top hahahahahaha. It's true they don't have lower jaws

Man this jokes is awesome.

Family guy! Made me smile

What I don't get it

12 If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't ask what you meant. It simply comes back as RUN.

Laugh out loud, most of the Chuck Norris jokes are quite repetitive but this one is just plain awesome. Good job to whoever made this up

Because He's WATCHING! Nice change from the usual pattern of Chuck Norris jokes, which let's just say are a teensy bit repetitive.

This one is HILARIOUS! Literally made me laugh out loud laugh out loud! Cannot believe it's not in the top ten!

The first one which REALLY made me laugh out loud... Which typically only happens when I write something.

13 Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

.. Just brilliant; florence from Slovenia;

Don't you dare to fool him lol

NOO! I wanted to fool him!

Best one in my opinion.

14 There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

I love it when these facts can come up in intense debates. Nothing better than throwing someone off with some Chuck Norris!

Oh my Gosh! This is made my day. So damn funny

And the dinosaurs failed his test.

Nice! It's like Chuck Norris rules!

15 Chuck Norris got stabbed by a knife. After 2 weeks of pain the knife died.

I heard that a snake bit him and then after awhile the snake died

The real question is: who is good enough to stab Chuck Norris?

Chuck Norris once pulled apple juice out of a mango

Although this one is a classic, I love it.

16 Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people

This is the most popular and the funniest... Simple and plain... Norris is a beast

This one isn't as good

Who does he kill

I think it's really mean saying haB

17 Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

This is so awesome. All you people don't know math to see how funny this is. (It is impossible to divide by zero)

He can. But he never revealed the answer. Otherwise mathematicians will lose their morale.

Math must be really easy for him... Haha.. Maybe he can find the exact value of 'I', sqrt(-1)

@person who said 'the exact value of 'I', you must be terrible at maths? The exact value of 'I' is sqrt (-1) since 'I squared' is -1...

18 When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.

Chuck Norris is the funniest guy I've ever met. The #11statement is absolutely true. I Wish I get a chance to meet Chuck Norris someday!

I imagine when he was doing pull-ups. Maybe the sky is drawn down below -laugh out loud-

Impressive! But he's not strong enough to hold a poo. Even HE has to drop it.

Imagining this makes me cry of laughter

19 Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.

This one REALLY took the cake!
Just as the underestimated: "Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun".

I thought it was going to be vulgar but then I laughed my ass off. Only Chuck could clog a tolite with urine. Sulfur filled Urine.

What about: Chuck Norris once got an erection whilst lying on his stomach and struck oil?

Pff... This one really made my day It deserves at least 5th place Thumbs up if agree

20 Chuck Norris invented the spoon. Killing with a knife was too easy.

Laugh out loud this one absolutely needs to be in the top ten^^
Imagine someone killing with a spoon!

JTHM much?

LOLOLOLOL DUDE. THAT'S CLASSIC!

I wonder how that would feel?

21 Toronto made a replica of Chuck Norris's penis. They just used his initials and called it the CN Tower

Laugh out loud.. Funny jokes dude... I can stop laugh after reading this one...
But the best jokes is at number 17...
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

So when people come out of the CN Tower, they are basically Chuck Norris' seed?

Nice I actually laughed at this one.

LOL! Fell off the chair!

22 Chuck Norris died ten years ago, the Grim Reaper just can't build up the courage to tell him.

Damn good one. I heard Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice. But this is hilarious

That has to be the best fact. Hand down.

Chuck norris is dead? NO

Grim reaper? Moar like scared reaper

23 Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret

Simply laugh out loud... I laughed my butt off after hearing this one... Its simple and funny...

Imply laugh out loud... I laughed my butt off after hearing this one... Its simple and funny...

He won't tell us, though. I'm not saying he should.

Simply the best, also the Jesus one is good

24 Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag girls. He potato sacks them.

This one is different than the usually stupid Chuck Norris jokes. Love it. I actually laughed at this one.

I'm actually crying, this is one of the only ones on this list to make me laugh out loud. Love it

This was the first one to actually make me physically laugh out loud

Laugh out loud ill never look at a potato sack the same way.

25 Chuck Norris can speak braille.

This is the best one I have ever heard. The other good ones made me chuckle but this one seriously made me burst out laughing. Please go look up braille if you don't know what it is!

Laugh out loud braille is the little bumpy letters that blind people use to read

So can Peter Griffin

"Bump, bump, sideways bump, two bumps, bump and 3 bumps"

He can also speak French, in Russian. He can hear sign language too.

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