Best Chuck Norris Facts

The Top Ten

1 Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

oh my god, this is by far the funniest of them all... couldn't stop laughing!

I love it

Whoever thought of this one is a genius and deserves a medal! - RogerMcBaloney

Swim on land... That's the best one there is here! I love it! I guess physics just got crapped on.

2 Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.

This fact REALLY made my day!
I laughed so hard as soon as I read it!
Chuck Norris FTW!

P.S. : Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone... xD

Y'know, when I first saw this list, I thought it would be actual facts. This is actually better though. lol - Misfire

Hilarious and funny lol - BorisRule

Voters! Please get some sense of humor... This one should be at the TOP! Not down here! - Xion

3 If Chuck Norris falls into a river, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norrised.

"Chuck Norrised"... Haha! Virtual bouquet of flowers to whoever came up with this one! Awesome. Oddly enough, I haven't come across this one before, but as so many have declared--this one is gold.

Haha. Chuck Norrised... Love it. This ones a keeper for sure. CHUCK NORRIS for the win Pure awesomeness here


Oh, that's good! Chuck Norrised! Yeah! This deserves to be in first place! My opinion is that this fact is epic and mostly because it's true!

4 Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Where's Waldo? Chuck Norris: Do you really want to know? - MattAffterburner

I always wondered what he was hiding from but the answer is quite simple.

This one never fail to make me laugh It's really funny! I think this one should be on the top 3.

Yeah, it's funny because waldo is so wimpy looking. - masterblaster

5 Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

It's really only funny for those who have actually tried to delete the recycling bin.

This is just the best 1 out there! Props to whom ever made it up. How much trash do you have to write here to be able to Post?

This is so brilliant! The person who invented this is a genius. But not more of a genius than Chuck Norris. Definitely not... Who are you? NO! Please don't! I'm gonna -

I haven't tried deleting recycling bin. But I can fairly guess logically that this is impossible to do so. - Kiteretsunu

6 Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

HOW?! I must learn this sorcery! - Misfire

Oh my God the hardest feat here. - MattAffterburner

Strongest person alive - BorisRule

all of these are great but this one is the best - moose4life19

7 Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, it's a shame he's never cried.

Oh wow, that's hilarious in such a sinister way. - RogerMcBaloney

I love the added its a shame he never cried at the end. Laugh out loud This one is by far the funniest. I hadn't seen this one before but it rules.

Just wow

I love this one! Its hilarious! (mike fizzle chisel has approved this message. )

8 When the Boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Well that is just really weird you know. I mean when I go to sleep the room is filled with boogiemen. I guess they chose to hide in my room. Laugh out loud

Well, everyone is afraid to be Chuck Norrised after all, but boogieman? Clever move chuck!

Hahaha undoubtably the funniest Norris joke ever, laughed just about every single time I have read it somewhere!

Ah! That was the funniest thing ever! Literally laughing my ass off! I wish I was a cat because cats can laugh more and have 9 lives.

9 Chuck Norris converted God to atheism

Wow... That's offensive!

DAMN! - BorisRule

AHAHAA that's just great, it says that he saw God and convinced him that HE doesn't exist!

For those of claiming that this joke is offensive to God/religion then your statement is also offensive to my religion of atheism

10 There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control

I cracked up the moment I heard this, in my opinion this is one of the best Norris jokes ever. - cyclone1248

That's so very true. Chuck Norris is always in control. - Kiteretsunu


yes - YOSHIA2121

The Contenders

11 Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, there is only another fist.

That’s kinda disturbing. - Misfire

Man this jokes is awesome.

Family guy! Made me smile

What I don't get it

12 If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't ask what you meant. It simply comes back as RUN.

Laugh out loud, most of the Chuck Norris jokes are quite repetitive but this one is just plain awesome. Good job to whoever made this up



This one is HILARIOUS! Literally made me laugh out loud laugh out loud! Cannot believe it's not in the top ten!

Because He's WATCHING! Nice change from the usual pattern of Chuck Norris jokes, which let's just say are a teensy bit repetitive.

13 Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Don't you dare to fool him lol - BorisRule

NOO! I wanted to fool him! - Misfire

Chuck Norris is very assertive with the way he acts, NOBODY can make fun of him even "natural phenomena" can't be a "smart ass" against Chuck.

.. Just brilliant; florence from Slovenia;

14 There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

I love it when these facts can come up in intense debates. Nothing better than throwing someone off with some Chuck Norris!

A very good one indeed, it really reflects Chucks longevity, he's been roundhouse kicking dinosaurs into extinction

Oh my Gosh! This is made my day. So damn funny

And the dinosaurs failed his test. - Metalhead1997

15 Chuck Norris got stabbed by a knife. After 2 weeks of pain the knife died.

The real question is: who is good enough to stab Chuck Norris? - HoneyBadgers

$ made me laugh so much! @@@ I love this one so much! - Froggy

I heard that a snake bit him and then after awhile the snake died

Although this one is a classic, I love it. - Kiteretsunu

16 Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people

This is the most popular and the funniest... Simple and plain... Norris is a beast

This one isn't as good - YOSHIA2121

Who does he kill

I think it's really mean saying haB

17 Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

This is so awesome. All you people don't know math to see how funny this is. (It is impossible to divide by zero)

He can. But he never revealed the answer. Otherwise mathematicians will lose their morale. - Kiteretsunu

Math must be really easy for him... Haha.. Maybe he can find the exact value of 'i', sqrt(-1)


18 When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.

Impressive! But he's not strong enough to hold a poo. Even HE has to drop it. - Britgirl

I imagine when he was doing pull-ups. Maybe the sky is drawn down below -laugh out loud-

Chuck Norris is the funniest guy I've ever met. The #11statement is absolutely true. I Wish I get a chance to meet Chuck Norris someday!

Imagining this makes me cry of laughter

19 Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.

This one REALLY took the cake!
Just as the underestimated: "Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun".

yeah pretty much the best chuck norris joke.

at least that I've seen in a while.

Hahahhahahahah! I lol'd SO hard! That's not possible! p.s. I'm not stupid. - Jammer196

What about: Chuck Norris once got an erection whilst lying on his stomach and struck oil?

20 Chuck Norris invented the spoon. Killing with a knife was too easy.

Laugh out loud this one absolutely needs to be in the top ten^^
Imagine someone killing with a spoon!

JTHM much?


I wonder how that would feel?

Https:// v=9VDvgL58h_Y

21 Toronto made a replica of Chuck Norris's penis. They just used his initials and called it the CN Tower

So when people come out of the CN Tower, they are basically Chuck Norris' seed? - RogerMcBaloney

Laugh out loud.. Funny jokes dude... I can stop laugh after reading this one...
But the best jokes is at number 17...
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. - muhammadfajri

Nice I actually laughed at this one.

LOL! Fell off the chair! - Animefan12

22 Chuck Norris died ten years ago, the Grim Reaper just can't build up the courage to tell him.

Damn good one. I heard Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice. But this is hilarious

Chuck norris is dead? NO - Harri666

That has to be the best fact. Hand down.

Why? Because he's Chuck Norris! - Therandom

23 Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret

Respect. I always wanted to know her secret. - RogerMcBaloney

Simply laugh out loud... I laughed my butt off after hearing this one... Its simple and funny...

Funny - DarkBoi-X

Simply the best, also the Jesus one is good

24 Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag girls. He potato sacks them.

This one is different than the usually stupid Chuck Norris jokes. Love it. I actually laughed at this one.

Laugh out loud ill never look at a potato sack the same way.

I'm actually crying, this is one of the only ones on this list to make me laugh out loud. Love it

This was the first one to actually make me physically laugh out loud - Danielsun182

25 Chuck Norris can speak braille.

This is the best one I have ever heard. The other good ones made me chuckle but this one seriously made me burst out laughing. Please go look up braille if you don't know what it is!

So he can speak to dots to blind people? GENIUS!

Lmao I can't believe this one isn't in the top 5. Do yall even know what braille is? Lmao

He can also speak French, in Russian. He can hear sign language too.

26 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Look out we gotta a badass over here. - MattAffterburner

The only one thus far to have made me laugh except for the one talking about how he is in control and how he knows Victoria's Secret.

This is hilarious. He killed all the life out of it. That's why mars is red, it is covered by blood.

Absolutely correct. They met such a fate because they insulted Chuck Norris by addressing him as the "Norris of Chuck". - Kiteretsunu

27 Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

When Chuck Norris went to preschool, he graduated university. Then preschool started

Awesome! Imagine someone sleeping with their head on a gun and a pillow underneath! This one should have been rated way higher!

Simple but hilarious! The jokes that are only one sentence are always the most funny.

Awesome joke! This joke is funny in 2 ways. - Animefan12

28 Chuck Norris Can Do a Wheelie On a Unicycle

So simple so funny

29 Chuck Norris gave birth to himself.

To much laughter in one line :D

Wait... What? That's nasty... - Bubbyboop

Phoenix Norris

30 Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Laugh out loud Tom Cruise invented pink. This made me laugh my butt off. - nintendofan126

Tom can do pink better than no man, laugh out loud

What about black metal? - Metalhead1997

Nice one bro... Tom cruz invented pink... Hilarious.. It's like christmus in july, norris invented all color except pink, because he is menliest man on earth..

31 Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won

To funny for words

I would say he cheated but... Chuck Norris - EliHbk

It's unloaded gun

Because the bullets all knew what would happen if they tried attacking him. They were scared. - Metalhead1997

32 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate

The only one that has truly made me laugh. The it was came out six foot tall and had learned karate part was just brilliant

I agree! Its the only one that actually made me laugh its funny if you just imagine chuck doing that

God... I'll never look tmnt the same way again

33 The first giraffe was created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Because he punched a horse, it's neck got real long? Like a knock-your-block off robot? Meh. OK joke.

Ie he can change the dna of something just by touching it! Made me laugh!

This is actually the only thing on this website that made me laugh. The unbelievable stupidity...

34 Chuck Norris and Mr. T once walked into a bar together. The bar immediately exploded, for that level of awesome can not be contained in one building.
35 When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
36 Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter, he roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out!
37 Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


This is funny savagery

38 God said "let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please"

That's the best in my opinion

Dying of laughter right now, I'm honored to be one of Chuck's victims - EliHbk

So is Chuck Norris God's father? - Metalhead1997

This one's funny to death

39 Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

This is different my friend :D It actually make me laugh :DD

I think he can carve his name on diamonds too! - Kiteretsunu

40 Superman goes to meet Chuck Norris each year on Teacher's Day

This one was awesome. Really made me laugh. And all these years I thought superman didn't need a teacher!

This one is really nice. Superb! - Kiteretsunu

41 All men are created equal. Equally inferior to Chuck Norris.
42 Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead, it is just afraid to move.
43 Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.

Lolcano this made me rofl no actually I rolled
On the floor laughing. Should be number 1

44 Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

never heard this one hahaha. There are other funny ones but this is new.

As a member of the revolving door's fan club, I gotta share this with the others! Laughed off asses will be everywhere!

That's good. Please, tell me. Who came up with this? Don't try and take credit, everyone. It's really good.


45 Once Chuck Norris masturbated in a house... now it's called The White House

The President: Why are my hands so sticky? - RogerMcBaloney

Imagine him doing that in a CITY. - Metalhead1997

This is hilarious

This is really funny
I wonder why it's not in the top 10's
Come on guys!

46 Chuck Norris can find a flaw in perfection.

So can I... - Cyri

47 Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
48 Chuck Norris can kill death

Or kill Chuck Schuldiner? Oh, what a coincidence!

49 Chuck Norris doesn't use dental floss he uses barbed wire.

Imagine the sheer lacerations someone else would get. - Metalhead1997

This is original and its one of the best I've seen!

50 Chuck Norris owns a large private estate in the middle of the Atlantic. We know this as the Bermuda Triangle. Chuck Norris does NOT tolerate visitors.

He has so many pets, too! - Metalhead1997

This is so true!

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